I can’t even pinpoint the feelings that flooded me—relief, anxiety, longing, fear—at hearing Zander’s voice. He stepped out of the shadows, where he’d been leaning, into the dim light from the front door.
“You kids have fun in there?” he asked lightly.
“Who the hell are you?” Ryan’s hand tightened on mine.
Zander looked at me meaningfully. “Would you like to introduce us, Cassandra?”
I swallowed hard. Could this get any more awkward? “Zander, this is Ryan. We work together. Ryan”—I glanced from one to the other—“this is Zander. We go to school together.”
Ryan looked at me, waiting for more of an explanation probably, but I turned to Zander instead. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to keep you company.” He walked closer, his eyes holding mine as he added more softly, “And to stop you from doing what you just did.”
I looked down, feeling the awfulness of facing Julia Redmond all over again.
Zander shook his head sadly. “What purpose did that serve, Cassie?” He waited a second, then reached out and gently put his hand under my chin, raising my face to his, oblivious to Ryan standing there, still holding my hand. “None, right?”
I felt the pinprick of tears. “Worse than none,” I whispered.
He nodded slowly, his lips pursed.
“Cassie?” Ryan asked, finally letting go of my hand and crossing his arms. “What exactly is going on here?”
Zander looked at him appraisingly. They stood at roughly the same height, but so different in every other way: Zander broad beside Ryan’s lankiness, dark to Ryan’s light. “Nothing that concerns you,” Zander answered.
Ryan shot him a glare, then looked back at me. “Cassie?”
“It’s okay, Ryan,” I said tiredly. “I can’t really explain, but Zander’s right. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“Well, I think we should head out. Are you ready?”
I knew Ryan already knew the answer. The way he looked from me to Zander told me he’d figured it out: I was leaving with this guy, whoever he was. I sighed, feeling like the world’s biggest jerk, not just for right now, but for all of it. Making him a stand-in for Jack, even if he didn’t know it. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I need to talk to Zander. He’ll give me a ride home.”
Ryan nodded, barely meeting my eyes. “Okay,” he said tightly. “Guess I’ll see you at work.”
“Ryan, hey—” I caught his arm. “Thanks for coming with me.”
“Yeah. Sure.” He glanced quickly at Zander again, then back at me. “Good luck, Cassie,” he said. “With … whatever.”
Ryan walked to his car without looking back.
After he’d pulled away, tires squealing against the pavement, I spun to face Zander. “Did you follow me here?” I demanded, incensed at the thought of it.
He shook his head. “Didn’t need to. I knew you’d come.”
“How?”
“Oh, Cassie.” Zander sighed, smiling at me and shaking his head. “I can read you like a book.” He put on a falsetto. “I found her obituary and she has a family, worked at a bank …,” he mimicked, before returning to his normal voice. “You think I couldn’t figure out where that would lead?”
I didn’t answer.
He rested his hands gently on my shoulders, turning me to look him full in the face. His eyes were almost black, glittering and looking deep into me. I was ready for him to chide me about Lucy Edwards and how foolish I’d been. Instead, he said, “I saw you in there, holding his hand.” Zander hesitated. “Does he mean something to you?”
“Jealous?” I asked it lightly, though a secret thrill ran through me.
“No,” he said, glancing down and shifting his weight before meeting my eyes again. “I just wish you’d asked me to come with you, not him.”
It wasn’t his words so much as the way Zander looked—uncertain in a way I’d never seen him look. It was as if he’d chipped away a tiny fragment of his shell to show me there was something soft and vulnerable behind it after all. Something capable of being hurt.
He slid his hands down my arms, my skin tingling in their wake despite the layers of coat and clothes between us. He caught both of my hands in his and pulled me close, wrapping my arms around his back, pressing my chest against his.
“You know he can’t be for you what I can, Cassie,” he murmured, his voice drifting down, words encircling me. “He’ll never understand you like I do. You and I, we belong together. We fit.”
I felt a bitter saltiness in my throat and my eyes teared so suddenly it caught me unprepared. I’d been a pretty good faker most of my life, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever truly belonged anywhere. How could I when the most essential thing about me is so strange and secret? So different.
“Zander, with Ryan … it’s not anything …”
“Shh,” he said, gently kissing my hair. “I thought I told you to tell him you were taken anyway,” he teased. And then Zander pulled me away, holding me at arm’s length to see into my eyes, all teasing gone. “But about what you saw in there, Cassie? I want to be sure you understand that we did the right thing.”
I thought about it for a long minute, watching Zander’s eyes and seeing a flicker of disapproval when I didn’t answer right away.
“I’m not sure, Zander,” I said finally, trying to be both honest and appeasing. “I’d like to think we did. I can see that there probably wasn’t a future for her and that she’d made her bed. But then I think about her sister and all those people in there—they seem like a good family. Like they really cared.” I shook my head. “I think mostly I believe it, but …”
“But you’re not totally sure.”
“No. And I wonder if I ever can be.”
Zander pursed his lips. I knew he was disappointed and it didn’t feel good. “I hope you learn, Cassie,” he said, letting go of me, all but the one hand he used to lead me to the car. “Or you’re going to have a very hard road.”
Chapter 24
It was just past eight when Zander dropped me at the apartment. I watched his taillights fade away. On the ride, I’d tried to think about the good things—the way he’d said we belonged together, the thrill of his claiming me that way—but I couldn’t shake his disappointment in my uncertainty about Lucy Edwards, and worse—couldn’t shake the uncertainty itself. Zander was what I’d been looking for, a guide for this strange power. So why did I have such a hard time trusting him? Even in the face of the most obvious of marked people like Lucy Edwards?