They lay still for a long time, Liam’s breathing hoarse, Kim too tired to move. Gradually the hailstorm slackened, the time between lightning strikes increasing. Thunder rumbled in the distance, the storm drifting away, following the river.
Liam didn’t move, and Kim wondered if he’d dropped off to sleep. She propped her aching body on one arm. “Are you all right?” she asked.
Liam lay face up, eyes open, his breathing rapid. “I don’t know.”
“The storm’s letting up. It’s what my mother liked to call a ‘wham-bam, thank you, ma’am’ storm.”
Liam didn’t answer, didn’t laugh.
“You know what the storm dying off means,” Kim continued. “It means that Sean and your dad are going to come looking for us. I bet Connor and Glory will too. And Ellison. He was real worried about you when I saw him earlier. In fact, every Shifter curious about what happened to you will be showing up pretty quick.”
Liam raked his sweating hair from his face. “They shouldn’t.”
“Like that’s going to stop them.”
“Kim.” Liam’s face twisted, and he wrapped his arms around his chest. “I need to find my Collar before they get here.”
“Is that what you really want?” she asked in a quiet voice.
“Fergus was crazy. He’d have destroyed us.”
Kim noticed he hadn’t answered the question. “You don’t think Shifters can adapt to going without the Collar again?”
“Not like this.” Liam’s chest expanded with an agonized breath. “We’ll kill each other. Gods, Kim, I wanted to kill Michael. I needed to. Even Sean. My own brother. And the feelings haven’t gone away. If they come to get us, I’ll fight. I’ll kill until someone kills me.”
“And me?”
He reached for her. “No. You, I just want to f**k.”
“I should be flattered, but I have the feeling I wouldn’t last very long. You have stamina.”
“I’d hurt you. I’ve already hurt you.” He touched her bruised lip.
“You didn’t. Don’t you get it, Liam? You could have, but you didn’t.”
“That’s no guarantee, love. I want you so damn bad.” He kissed her swollen lips and drew back, eyes flicking from white to blue to white again.
Kim touched the red line on his neck. Liam flinched but didn’t stop her.
“Or you could go,” she said softly. “Run away back to Ireland or something. Live free.”
Liam closed his eyes, blotting out the awful look in them. “Not without you. I don’t want to live without you.” He bowed his head, resting on Kim’s shoulder. “But Fergus was right. I’d use you until there was nothing left of you. I’d not be able to stop myself.” He raised his head, expression anguished. “Don’t you understand? If I’m this way, I can’t have you.”
Kim rubbed his arms, wishing she could tell him that everything would be all right. You’ll be fine, you’ll get used to it, you’ll learn to control your instincts. But she had no idea whether it would be all right. The Lupine who’d attacked her in her bedroom had been the victim of Fergus’s experiments, ready to slaughter Kim to torture Liam. She’d seen the way Liam had looked at innocent Michael and at his own brother, as though they were enemies he needed to destroy. She had no idea what kind of crazed being Liam would become.
“I can’t tell you to put yourself into captivity again for me,” she said. “I don’t want you to.”
“I hate the Collar. Kim, I hate it so much. It hurts us when we so much as think about the way we used to be. One surge of adrenaline and it’s giving us pain. You can’t know what that’s like. Always living in fear of the pain.”
“You’re right. I don’t know.”
“Being free of it…” Liam slid his fingers and thumb around the mark where the Collar had been, his wild smile emerging. “It’s a joyous thing, love. I can do anything I want, and no one can stop me.”
“Not even me?”
“No. That’s the trouble.”
“Sean said you weren’t like this before—before you all took the Collar, I mean.”
“Not this out of control. Not with twenty years of need falling on me at once. But it was like this too. We were strong and free, and those few who knew about us were in awe of us. Even the Fae acknowledged our strength, that we no longer served their whims. That’s what rankles most—the Fae helped to bind us. They’ve always wanted to bind us.” Anger danced in his eyes, lines pulling the sides of his mouth. “We hate them for it.”
“What about humans?” Kim made herself ask.
“Human beings are weak, short-lived. No threat.” Liam’s eyes eased back to the blue she’d fallen in love with. “The one I’m lying on now is so beautiful. And I love her.”
“I’ll help you escape, Liam. I want you to be free. Don’t find the Collar. Please.”
Liam closed his eyes again, tight. He shuddered, lips shaking, as though wave after wave of panic ripped through him.
After a long time, he opened his eyes again, and something in them had been defeated. “No, love. They need me here. And I never, ever want to wake up in the morning knowing that I hurt you.”
Kim touched his face. The anguish in his voice a moment ago when he’d said he hated the Collar had been real. He hadn’t mentioned his loathing before this, but Shifters were strong and could resign themselves to pain, and he’d probably seen no use in voicing his rage to Kim. Having the Collar off, feeling the pain evaporate for the first time in twenty years, must be incredible for him. She wasn’t sure how he could even contemplate putting it back on.
“No one would blame you if you went,” she said. “Dylan would take over again, like before, and Sean would still be Guardian. They’ll look after Connor and everyone else. You know that.”
“I’d blame me.”
“But free, you could start working on how to liberate the rest of your kind.”
Liam kissed her forehead. “No, love. Free I’d be thinking of only myself and how good it felt to be away from all this. I’d start despising them for being weak, find myself a pride of ferals and try to take over. A wonderful Shifter-man I’d be.”
“You can’t know that. Like you said, all these urges are built up. Maybe in time—”