“And you’re not him.”
“I might be after I get back over there.”
He half expected for her to point out that he didn’t have to go, that he could stay, backed up with one of her kooky statistics. He was surprised when she didn’t. “I can handle that risk. It doesn’t mean you have to shove me away. Not if you don’t want to.”
“Kayla…”
“It’s true that it’ll be hard,” she said, wringing her hands. “The odds are against us, yes. But if we worked at it and tried to make this real, we could—”
“Be the one in five ‘dead and don’t know it yet’ relationships that survive?” He pulled the handle out of the suitcase and squared his shoulders. “You know that we won’t make it. You told me so earlier in this fake relationship. You’re just in denial.”
She made an angry sound, but she didn’t bother to fight him. How could she? They were her own numbers he’d thrown at her. “You’re not being fair. We don’t know that we wouldn’t have worked.”
“You’re right. And maybe that will haunt me for the rest of my f**king life, but I’m okay with that.” He set his case in front of the door and then looked at Kayla for what would probably be the last time. Just the thought of it hurt. “You want to know why I’m okay with that? Because I watched Josh die, and then I watched his fiancée die with him. Hell, I even saw a huge part of myself die. I won’t f**king do that to you.”
“Just stop. Leave,” Kayla whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “Nothing I say will change your mind. So go.”
“You could ask me to stay,” he said, his voice raw. “Why haven’t you asked me to stay?”
“Because that’s not what you need. You need to go, and I understand that about you.” She lifted her chin and looked him squarely in the eye. “I’d just hoped you would understand me better than you do. I wish you’d realize that I know my own mind and I speak my own truth. If I said I would be fine waiting for you to come home, it’s because I meant it.”
He crossed the room and pulled her to her feet. He expected her to fight him. To shove him away. But she didn’t. Instead, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. Fucking tears. “Don’t cry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know.” She gripped his forearms. “You wanted to help me. You always want to help people, and I was one of them. I get it. And I’ll get over anything that I’m now feeling.”
He wanted to tell her how much she’d come to mean to him in such a short time, but he couldn’t do it. Instead he brushed his lips across hers, then dropped his hold on her. “I’m so sorry.” He grabbed his bag. “Goodbye, Kayla.”
“Goodbye, Cooper.” She curled her hands into her jacket sleeves. She hadn’t even taken it off yet. Hell, neither had he. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
He left the room and, when he reached the rental, he tossed his suitcase in the back. Then he slipped into the driver’s seat of the Escalade, slid the car into reverse, and glanced over his shoulder at the backseat.
All he could think about was the first time he and Kayla made love there, after their flight to North Carolina. He could practically feel her skin on his. Her soft laughter teased his brain, echoing through the empty car and reminding him of what could have been, if he only stopped running.
But he couldn’t. Not yet.
What the f**k was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just be a normal f**king guy for once? Live a normal f**king life with an incredible woman?
He slammed his fist into the wheel. “Son of a bitch.”
This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to feel so empty at losing her. Hell, had he even really had her? Up until tonight, it had all been fun and games. Make believe.
Or had he been fooling himself all along about it being fake?
Taking a deep breath, he dropped his forehead onto the steering wheel and lowered his shaking hands to his lap. Rage, sadness, and frustration flew through his veins at breakneck speed, even though he knew he’d done the right thing.
He had to cut ties with her. It was better this way.
It had to be.
Chapter Eighteen
An hour later, Cooper pulled up in front of his hotel and got out of his Escalade. Kayla’s words had played on repeat in his brain the whole drive, making him wonder if he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life in walking away from her.
Oh, who was he kidding? There was no wondering about it.
He’d made a huge f**king mistake.
But, hell, she’d caught him off-guard when she’d mentioned wanting more from him. Part of him had been elated, and the other part had been more f**king terrified than the time he’d faced down an entire band of insurgents with nothing but his rifle and lived to tell about it. The last thing he’d expected from her was her wanting more.
The terrified portion inside of him had obviously won out, and he’d taken full advantage of his fight or flight response by choosing the latter option. It was better this way. He knew it. But she’d looked so broken-hearted.
And damn it, he was, too.
If things had worked out according to their plan, he should have walked away from her feeling sexually satisfied and ready to move on to the next chapter of his life. He should be rejuvenated and ready to go overseas again, knowing that this time, he wouldn’t miss the enemy hiding in the shadows. This time, he wouldn’t fail.
But instead…he felt like utter shit.
After checking in and trudging to his room, Cooper sat on the edge of bed, yanked his collar loose, and flung his coat on the chair by the window. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He wasn’t supposed to miss her already. Though he wasn’t experienced in matters of the heart, he had a sinking suspicion he knew what the aching emptiness inside of him meant.
He wanted more, too.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his cell. He stared at it, spinning it in his fingers as he debated his next move. He couldn’t be impetuous. He had to think things through. Examine all the puzzle pieces before trying to make them all fit. He already knew he couldn’t start something with Kayla and then leave. But there was one option he could take. One where he could be with her and this aching pain would go away.
It was time to call his dad.
His phone felt even heavier than the weight he carried around with him. The one that had dad etched permanently into it. In the month leading up to his interview, his father hadn’t wasted one day trying to shove that damn position down his throat. Every time Cooper mentioned the upcoming interview, his father left the room. He came up with excuses to not have to hear about the opportunity.