“Now you’re the idiot,” I said. “You’re the most important person in my life, kid. Can’t you see that? I love you and stuff.”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “Ah, man. Don’t get all mushy on me.”
I laughed. “Smart-ass.”
My little brother looked at me with bright eyes. “I love you, too, Katie.”
We both sat there for a long moment with goofy grins on our face. Finally, I said, “All right. What do ya say we bust out some ice cream and learn about clean magic?”
“Shit yeah!”
I was so happy I didn’t even make him pay back the curse jar.
Chapter Thirty-One
November 4
Waning Gibbous
For some reason I expected the basement to look different. I’d been going to Arcane Anonymous meetings there for a decade, but in the nine weeks since my last visit I’d changed so much I guess I just assumed everything else had too.
But the air still smelled like old linoleum and stale coffee. The blue plastic chairs still sat in the same irregular circle. The windows set high in the walls were still barred shut. And at the front of the room, Jesus still wore his crown of thorns and watched us from his cross.
I was late on purpose, arriving at the tail end of the meeting. Rufus was already well into his closing statements. As I walked in, heads turned, whispers were shared, and eyes took in my bandages and bruises and downcast eyes.
“Well, well, well,” Rufus said in an amused tone. “The prodigal daughter returns.”
I glanced up and was surprised to see him smiling. “Hey, everyone.” I waved my left hand. The bandage made it look like a white flag.
My gaze slipped toward the woman huddled on the far side of the circle. I hadn’t seen Pen in a couple of weeks. Not since that night she’d used the pain potion and we’d had that wicked fight. I knew from Baba that she was back at work, but beyond that my best friend had become a stranger.
High off my reconciliation with Danny, I’d tried calling her every day since I got out of the hospital. After having four voice mails ignored, I’d decided the best way to end the ice age was to go to her. And I knew that Pen would never miss an AA meeting, especially after she’d had a recent relapse.
“I know it’s out of order, but can I talk for a minute?” I knew if I sat down and waited for the talking period, I’d lose my nerve.
Rufus crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. “You come here to preach or confess, sister?” His comment told me he’d been talking to Pen.
I swallowed hard. “Confess,” I whispered.
He nodded. “Proceed.”
I sucked in a deep breath and released it before speaking. “I haven’t been to group in a couple months. I told you the reason was because I was too busy, but I was lying.” I licked my lips. “I’ve been lying about a lot of things lately.”
Pen’s gaze jerked up.
“When Danny was in his coma, I willfully used magic and then covered it up. I lied to my family, my co-workers, and my friends.” The backs of my eyes started stinging, but I was beyond fighting it. If there was one lesson I’d learned from Dionysus, it was that sometimes surrender is good for the soul. “I lied to all of you, and I’m sorry.”
The room remained silent. I crossed my arms and continued. “I never should have accepted the anniversary amulet. I don’t really have an excuse for taking it except I was ashamed.” I cleared my throat. “I’d return it tonight, but it’s at the bottom of Lake Erie at the moment.”
Rufus’s expression gave as much away as a sphinx. “Kate—”
“That all you got to confess?” Pen’s voice cut through the room like a blade.
I turned to look at her. Her expression was diamond-hard. My stomach dropped. “I also used protective amulets in the line of duty, got hexed by a sex magic potion—against my will, but still—and used dirty magic to summon a monster.” I took a step toward her. “But you know what? I’d do it all again.”
Pen crossed her arms and stayed silent.
“I know you don’t like hearing this,” I said to Pen. “But I also need you to understand that being a cop helps me keep my demons at bay. If using magic can make me more successful as a cop, then all the better. I’m sick and tired of feeling afraid and ashamed of being an Adept.” I blew out a shaky breath on the tail of that admission. “So, while I’m sorry for lying to you, I cannot and will not regret using magic to save lives.”
I still wasn’t quite sure how to balance all that with the demands of the job, especially since every case I’d had on the task force thus far had almost gotten me killed. But I also knew I wasn’t willing to walk away from the work. I just had to figure out how to have both the job and the people I loved in my life.
“You know I don’t go in much for religion,” Jacob said in a soft tone that contrasted with his imposing appearance. He raised a tattooed arm to point at Jesus on his cross. “But when I was in prison, all I had was a Bible to keep me company.” He served five years in Crowley for stalking a woman after he’d taken a dirty love potion. “But there’s some good stuff in there. Like in John, when J. C. says, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’?” He shook his head. “That’s some deep shit, man.”
“What’s your point?” Pen snapped.
I frowned at her uncharacteristic outburst. That’s when I realized Pen hadn’t admitted her own sins to the group. They loomed like shadows in her eyes.
“Point is,” Jacob said, “way I see it we’re all sinners here. We’ve all lied and cheated and stole and worse. But we keep coming back here every week.”
Rufus leaned forward. “Why do you think that is, Jacob?”
The large man shrugged. “Because every day is a new chance at redemption.”
Those words washed over me like a balm. Back when I was seventeen, I’d started over. Got myself on a new road. It’s just, I’d taken a detour for a little while. Allowed myself to be lured into believing magic was to blame for my problems when it was my poor choices that caused the pain in my life. Choices like trusting John Volos and giving Uncle Abe power over my self-worth. Choices like lying to the people I loved. Like lying to myself.
But this main road—the one I’d set out on ten years earlier—was populated by a lot of other imperfect-but-trying souls. Like Rufus and Jacob, Baba and Morales—and Pen.