“Chris.” She put a tentative hand on his arm. His flesh jumped, and she half-expected him to shake her off, but he didn’t. “You don’t know that she’s dead.”
“I’d like to believe that. The thing is, I don’t see how she can be alive, not if Weller and the others are right. Even if they were wrong, it’s been, what, twelve days now? And snowing for the last four? The only reason we’ve done okay is all that gear Weller scrounged. Alex had nothing but a rifle and a backpack.”
“She’s pretty smart.”
“Alex is good, but she’s one person, and her ammunition wouldn’t last forever. Lena, it would take incredible luck for her to avoid the Changed. She must’ve run into them by now.”
“Or maybe not. Weller said they were just guessing. You heard them. Not one of those guys has set foot outside the Zone.”
“I’d say it’s a pretty damned good guess, though.” A long pause, and then he raised his eyes. The skin beneath them was darker than coal, and the whites were bloodshot with pain and, she thought, regret. “I think I always knew, Lena. About what was outside the Zone, I mean. Why we didn’t need to post as many guards, why raiders never seemed to come from that direction. If I’d given it two seconds’ thought, I’d have seen it. Hell.” He let out a bleak laugh. “Peter pretty much laid it out for me. He made sure we steered clear. If Rule’s the center of a watch, then this big region, from seven o’clock to eleven, is crawling with the Changed—and Peter saw to it that we went through only at very specific times. It doesn’t get any more obvious than that, Lena.”
“Look, it’s easy to realize this, you know, in hindsight. But, Chris, the world died, okay? People dropped, for God’s sake. Peter was doing the best he could. He was trying to take care of us.”
“There were plenty of other ways. He didn’t have to go this route. I just wish I understood why. Because I don’t get that. What made Peter think this was a good idea?”
“You don’t know that it was his idea.” That sounded weak even to her ears, and she added, “Maybe he was just following orders.”
“Well, they were terrible orders, and he shouldn’t have gone along with them.”
“That is so lame, I can’t stand it,” she snapped. “You’ve followed orders. You did what Peter said. You let your grandfather enforce the Ban; you didn’t complain when Peter and the Council decided who got to stay and who got turned away.”
His cheeks went hectic with color. “That . . . that was different.”
“How? Because those orders weren’t terrible, just bad? ?”
“Jesus, you don’t think I’ve thought about that? God.” He pulled his arm from beneath her hand and knotted his fists in his hair. “How could I have been so stupid? There were all these signs I decided to ignore. Like when that guy, Harlan, the one who had Alex’s stuff and shot her friend, Tom, and all that . . . when my grandfather threw Harlan out, I knew the chances were pretty good he’d die out there. I was fine with that. He’d hurt Alex. I thought, okay, dude, sucks to be you.”
“All that means is you cared about Alex. She got hurt, you were pissed.”
“Lena, it’s not like someone dissed her in the cafeteria. I decided it was fine for Harlan to die. And I had a pretty good idea how it was going to happen, too. We all know the Changed are out there. I just didn’t know they were therethere; that Peter had this system going, and it was right in front of me, the whole time. Like, a couple times, Peter split off by himself. You know, the same way I would go to Oren? He’d take a wagon with supplies and just leave—and always around the same general areas. He’d come back, and the wagon would be empty. When I asked where all the supplies went, he wouldn’t say. I mean, it was obvious he was giving food away, and I just let it go.”
“Chris,” Lena said. “You couldn’t have know.”
“Only because I chose not to.” Chris’s lips twisted as if the words had curdled on his tongue. “That makes me just as guilty. But Peter’s gone now, and I do know. Someone’s got to be responsible, Lena. Someone has to try and make this right. The only way to do that is tear it all down. The way Rule runs, I’m the only one left who can.”
His jaw set in a new, hard line she had never seen before and would not have thought possible. This steeliness would have looked at home on Peter, who saw the world in black and white. Chris was different, though. He was, she thought, the closest thing she had to a friend. But she didn’t recognize this stranger taking shape before her eyes, the way his skin had drawn so tight she could see his skull, or the fury that nipped her nose like pepper. This was not the boy with a good heart who had risked so much to find her little brother .
“Chris.” Her tongue was so dry she felt as if she was talking around a mouthful of dust. “Chris, you’re talking about war.”
“Yeah,” Chris said. “I guess I am.”
49
After they left the snow cave, the day only got worse. The snow was too deep for the horses. Weller’s roan had studs, but the sorrel didn’t, and it was a small horse besides. Nathan cut up a shirt to wrap around both horses’ fetlocks and cannons, but it came down to walking. With only two sets of snowshoes, one person had to ride the roan, which Chris thought ought to be her. From the look on his face, Lena knew Nathan wasn’t wild about that. “We already lost one horse,” he said.
“That wasn’t my fault,” she said.
The look Nathan wore suggested he thought otherwise, but then he nodded. “Okay. I was going to lead it to break trail anyway.”
“I’ll lead,” Chris said.
“You know, I can be in charge of my own stupid reins,” Lena said, but the roan seemed to be no happier to have her on its back than the horse Nathan had been forced to shoot. Chris finally snatched at the horse’s bridle, but Lena had barely boosted onto the saddle when the roan began to buck. “Cut it out,” Lena said, and gave the reins a vicious twist. “Quit it.”
“Stop yanking the reins,” Nathan said. “Give it its mouth.” “I know how to handle a stupid horse,” Lena shot back.
“Yeah, I saw how good you did the last time,” Nathan returned, and then sighed and flapped a hand. “Fine. Suit yourself. I’m not going to argue. Let’s just go before we lose more daylight.”