“Is that good?”
“I think so,” he says. “Although it would be nice if he took a break once in a while.”
“Maybe I can help with that,” I say. We’ve actually made plans. Not to move in together, although maybe technically that’s how it’s going to be, since we’ll be on the road every waking hour with each other. I’m actually going with him for the next month to make my own documentary about Habitat for Humanity, starring him, Wilson, Tristan, and anyone else fascinating that I come across. “Help him find other things to do.”
He’s quiet for a moment and I worry that he’s taken what I said the wrong way—that he thinks I want to spend extra time with Tristan. But then he smiles and says, “God, I’m so excited you’re coming with me.”
“Yeah, but the question is, can you deal with me all the time?” I ask in a playful tone. “Like every day—every waking hour.”
“Of course, Nova like the car,” he says with a wink. “And do you want to know why?”
I nod, putting my hands on his shoulders. “Of course.”
He smiles. “Because I love you.”
I smile back. Every time I hear him say it, it gets to me. Although the first time he said it, three months ago, I panicked and hung up on him. I knew I loved him, but was afraid to say it back, afraid to open my heart up to someone else like that, afraid I’d lose him, afraid I’d never be able to endure the pain of loss all over again. It took me five minutes to get my shit together and call him back.
“I love you, too,” I say, putting my hand on his cheek and tracing his cheekbone with my thumb. “I really do.”
“Good,” he says, then he slants forward to kiss me again, his fingers finding the edge of the towel.
Even though it kills me, I place my hand on top of his and stop him. “Before we do… well, that.” My cheeks heat and he laughs at me. It’s amazing that no matter how many dirty phone conversations we’ve had, I still manage to get embarrassed every time I talk about things related to sex. “There’s something I want to show you first.”
He doesn’t get angry like most guys probably would, after six months of no sex. Instead he looks concerned.
“Is everything okay?” he asks worriedly.
I nod quickly. “Of course, I just want to show you the video first, before everyone else sees it… the dedication especially.” It’s actually really important to me that he see the film first.
He seems a little anxious about it, but I don’t blame him. The topics of loss, guilt, and pain are captured in every clip. While I was putting it together, it triggered a lot in me, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just emotional.
But he says, “Of course.” Then he sits back on the bed while I get up and grab my computer from the desk. I get it booted up and the video ready, before I go back to the bed and sit down by him. “Are you ready?” I ask, with my fingers hovering over the trackpad. He nods and I lie down beside him and put the laptop between us, clicking play.
The music comes on, but I’m not watching the screen. I’m watching him watch the screen. His jaw is set tight, his eyes a little wide, and his hands are balled into fists as if he’s half expecting something horrible to be on there. So I reach over and take his hand, then turn my attention to the screen as it goes black and the dedication pops up.
“For everyone who suffered loss and learned how to live again. Know that you’re not alone.”
I’m not even sure who starts crying first. It’s such a small thing. Two sentences, but they pretty much sum up the helplessness and feeling of being alone that we both felt for years. The pain of it broke us both, shattered us, and will forever scar us, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t heal. Yeah, we’re not the same people, but we’re still alive and we’re not alone anymore.
I want to ask Quinton what he thinks when his grip on my hand tightens. I clutch him and then suddenly he’s pulling me closer to him, needing me to be beside him.
“What do you think?” I ask as his arms fasten tightly around me, our bodies aligned together.
He presses a kiss to my forehead, each of my cheeks, and then ultimately my lips. When he leans away, his tearstained eyes search mine. “I think it’s perfect.”