Quinton: Can I ask you a really weird question?
Me: You can always ask me anything.
Quinton: I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable… it’s about Landon…
Me: I’m fine. In fact, I sometimes like talking about him because then I know I’m not forgetting him.
Quinton: U think it’s important not to forget, even if remembering is hard?
Me: I think remembering is important but you need to get to a place where it’s not so hard to remember and maybe even therapeutic.
Quinton: Yeah, I guess that sort of makes sense… I’m going to ask you that weird question now… please don’t hate me, but I really just want to understand something.
Me: I never could hate you, so ask away.
Quinton: Yeah, we’ll see… do you, I don’t know, ever feel guilty about Landon’s death?
I pause. I once told him I did, but I guess he was too high to remember. I also remember that he didn’t really want to hear it, which makes me wonder how much he’s changing if he wants to hear it now.
Me: Yeah, I used to. Not really anymore. I mean, I do have days when I overthink it and I feel shitty all over again, but it’s not as hard as it was when it first happened. Back then, I nearly went crazy thinking about all the things I could have done to save him… it was really bad that summer I spent getting high. And honestly, I kind of felt that guilt again this summer… it’s part of the reason why I wanted to help you so much… to make up for not helping Landon.
I push send, but when he doesn’t respond right away, I think maybe I shared a little too much—I’m never sure with him. But then my phone beeps.
Quinton: And how do you feel now? I mean, do u still feel the need to save people?
I can’t help but think about the film project again. While it wouldn’t necessarily be saving anyone, it could help people realize that they’re not alone in this world, which I feel is important. I remember when Landon died and how no one seemed to really talk about it and I felt really alone, confused, and just plain lost. But perhaps if I’d had Lea earlier on, I wouldn’t have fallen so fast and so hard.
Me: Yeah, but not in the helpless obsession sense. I still volunteer at the helpline sometimes and that helps. Plus, you’re okay so that makes me sort of happy.
Quinton: I want to stay okay, but sometimes it’s hard, you know. Especially when I really start thinking about stuff.
Me: I know it can get really difficult sometimes, but I know you can do it.
Quinton: Why, though? Why have you always had so much faith in me when you barely know me?
Me: I think I know you more than you think I do. And I think that you’re going to be okay because you’re working on being okay. If you were still running away from the problem, then I’d feel different.
Quinton: I hope you’re right.
Me: I’m always right and the sooner you realize that the easier things will be. J/k ;)
Quinton: You’re so goofy sometimes.
Me: Thanks :)
Quinton: It’s actually one of my favorite things about you.
I smile to myself as I type.
Me: Want to know one of my favorite things about you?
It takes him a moment to respond.
Quinton: Sure.
Me: That you’re a good, strong person.
Quinton: Are you sure u know who you’re talking to?
Me: Yeah, the person who was good to me when I was in such a vulnerable place. The person who managed to pull himself away from a life of addiction. That takes strength, my friend.
Quinton: It takes weakness to get to that place to begin with. To walk away from my life like that. Give up everything instead of being strong and actually just facing my problems. I wish I could be stronger and face them now. And I wish I hadn’t given up everything.
Me: You’ll get there. It’ll just take time. Facing the hard stuff is… well, hard. And as for giving everything up, you can still get it back. You just have to know what you want and work toward getting it.
Quinton: But I’m not sure what I want exactly. I know I like helping people and everything. It keeps me busy and makes me feel like I’m giving stuff back. But other than that, I don’t know what I want to do. Draw and paint, yeah, but that’s not a whole hell of a lot.
Me: Sure it is. U just have to do it.
Quinton: I don’t even know what to draw anymore. All my sketches and paintings over the last couple of years have been trippy. I want to draw things that mean something. I want to draw things that I can put passion into. Like life. Happiness. Sadness. Pain. I want to draw stuff that’s important to me… I want to draw you, too. And not from how I see you in my head. I want to draw you in front of me. Every line. Every inch of you.
Before I have time to react to the text, another one comes in.
Me: I’m sorry if that last text made u uncomfortable. I’m blaming it on the fact that Greg made me share way too much today and broke me down I think.
I take a deep breath, thinking about what it would be like for him to draw me like he described. I remember when Landon first sketched me: halfway through it, he kissed me for the first time. It was magical at the time and it’s heartbreaking to remember it now, but I wouldn’t want to forget how it felt for anything.
Me: I want u to draw me like that. In fact, I’m going to hold u to it and make u do it the next time I see u.
Jesus Christ. Did I seriously just text that? Wow. I can’t even breathe.
Quinton: I wish I could do it right now… see you right now… touch u right now.
My heart pitter-patters inside my chest and I have to suck in a huge breath when I realize I’ve been holding it. My initial response is to skirt around the conversation because of where it’s heading. But then I realize that it’s been a long time coming so I just go for it.
Me: I wish I could see you and touch you, too… I wish you were touching me. In fact, I think about it all the time.
My hands shake as I hit send.
Quinton: Nova you’re killing me right now. I swear to God. Now I’ve got pictures inside my head of us touching each other.
I shut my eyes and bite my lip as images appear inside my mind as well. How it felt when he ran his hands across my body. How his tongue tasted. How his tongue felt. How his fingers felt when they were in me. God, it’s been a long time.
Me: Good, because I do, too… do u remember that kiss we shared right after we got off the roller coaster last summer? It was our last kiss.
It takes him a moment to answer and I grow worried that maybe it was the wrong question to ask.