When we step inside, I’m blasted with memories of the last time I was here, with Nova, and I almost turn around. But then Nancy nudges me in the back.
“Hurry up,” she says, heading for the stairs. “I’m dying here.”
I move forward, stepping over the rubble and debris, trying not to think of Nova, but it’s hard. The only thing that keeps me stable is the fact that when I get to the roof, it’ll only be minutes before everything filling my head right now vanishes. So I keep moving, going through the motions of walking, and when we reach the roof I feel like I can breathe again.
Nancy eagerly drops her backpack to the ground beside one of the massive signs and starts taking the spoon and syringe out. I don’t help her. I can’t. Despite how many times I’ve shot up, I still can’t inject myself. The memory of needles and injections bringing me back to the life I didn’t want to live is still too strong. But I always get over the phobia the moment she shoots me up. So I lie down on the ground and stare up at the stars like I did with Nova—like I did that night I died. I keep my eyes on them, waiting with zero patience until the needle enters my vein and slowly makes its way through my body, erasing everything inside me. My guilt briefly goes away and thoughts of Nova leave my mind. It feels like everyone in the world has forgiven me. I feel so much lighter as I float up to the sky, feeling closer and closer to Lexi. And I swear to God that if I could reach my hand out, I could touch her.
Almost there. Almost within reach.
Chapter 16
August 1, day seventy-eight of summer break
Nova
I’ve been working really hard to keep busy, keep moving forward, keep going. I’ve been doing as much as I can to distract myself and have been spending a lot of time making video clips. I even got a real camera, or, well, my mom got it for me, I think because she feels sorry for me.
“It’s amazing how fast the last couple of months moved by,” I say to the camera that’s positioned on the kitchen table, aimed at me while I talk and work on the photo album I’m putting together of Landon. “I’m not even sure how it happened. I blame it on my mom and not in a bad way. She’s been working really hard to keep me busy, having me help her organize the house, she’s even helped me create a photo album of Landon, just like I was planning on doing but never was able to start…” I glance down at Landon’s photos and sketches all over the table in front of me and at the photo album pages I’m supposed to be putting them on. “I even went and visited Landon’s grave the other day…it was hard, but bearable, and for some reason it seemed to help with the obsessive need I’d been feeling to watch his video over and over again,” I say as I put a piece of tape on the back of a photo of Landon and me. He’s kissing my cheek and I’m laughing and just glancing at it, it looks so perfect. If I stared at it long enough I’d see the flaws, but I’m not going to—I’m only going to remember the good.
“I still sometimes feel like crying for Quinton …not knowing where he is…the not knowing sometimes feels harder than knowing he’s dead…” I unfold one of Landon’s drawings of a tree and smooth out the wrinkles. “My mom somehow got Quinton’s dad to go down to Vegas and look for him…although I’m a little skeptical about how hard he’s searching for him, since he even flat-out said he didn’t want to. But I heard my mom give him this big huge lecture where she almost completely lost it and yelled at him to be a”—I make air quotes—“‘Fucking father’…I’ve never heard her curse like that before or get that intense.” I tape the photo to the page. “When we first got home, she tried to call Tristan’s parents to get them looking for him, but apparently they were already down there getting Tristan, which would have been good, except Tristan’s parents are ass**les…I don’t want to be unsympathetic or anything because I know how hard it is to lose someone you love, but the stuff Tristan’s parents said to my mom about Quinton being responsible for Ryder’s death—it’s completely messed up. To put the blame on someone like that is terrible. I don’t care if they’re mourning. Purposefully going out of their way to tell Quinton he’s responsible for everything that happened is messed up…and it painfully helps me sort of understand Quinton a little bit more…although it doesn’t do me any good now…” I start to choke up and quickly clear my throat a few times, telling myself to keep it together. This happens a lot, whenever I think of Quinton.
I exhale, then add another photo to the page, then turn to a clean page. “I’ve also learned some stuff about Quinton from Tristan, who’s back here in Maple Grove as of a week ago. To make a long story short, I guess around the same time I lost track of Quinton, Tristan almost OD’d. Quinton called the ambulance and then Tristan was taken to the hospital. Then I guess Quinton called Tristan’s parents, who showed up at the hospital and got him to go to rehab. I’m not even sure how they got him to agree to go, but I wish I did—I wish I could find the magic thing to bring Quinton to his senses and realize how good a person he is, despite what he thinks. That the bad stuff that happened to him was out of his control, something I’ve been working on telling myself, too…although it’s still hard. That I could never get through to him enough to help him.” I pause, taking a deep breath. “I failed. I don’t give a shit what my mom says. I failed him, just like I failed Landon, and now all I can do is live with it.”
I add a photo of Landon to the page, his sad honey-brown eyes reminding me of Quinton, which is a little weird because usually it’s Quinton reminding me of Landon. Landon was so beautiful and when he left, the world lost a piece of its beauty. “Tristan wrote me a few times while he was in rehab, apologizing for anything he’s done that might have hurt me and for bringing me into the whole Trace mess. I never wrote him back, because I didn’t know what to say, or if I even could write him back, but he called yesterday…we talked a little bit about stuff—life. We even talked about Quinton. He says he has no idea where he could be—there are just too many places—but that he heard the building they were living in burned down. No one died, at least in the fire, because no bodies were found. But the fire was started on purpose and it makes me wonder what the hell happened. If Quinton was there when it happened. If Delilah was there when it happened. It hurts my heart to know that all of them could be living on the streets doing God knows what. And that there’s a chance no one may find them. And poor Delilah. I’m guessing her mother isn’t looking for her, considering how bad their relationship is.” I sigh, feeling the hopelessness arise again. “I think maybe Tristan might know a little more than he’s letting on about all this stuff—about everything that happened—but I didn’t want to push him, since he’s like a newborn baby deer learning how to walk again and a lot of things could make him fall, at least from what people tell me.” I pull a piece of tape off the dispenser. “I’ve been going to these group meetings, kind of like the one I went to in Vegas…it’s sort of scary…listening to people’s stories, but at the same time it’s good to hear the good parts, where someone survives and conquers their addiction. It gives me a little hope that it’s not over for Quinton yet.” I press the piece of tape to the page so it’s securing a corner of a picture. “Plus, the meetings gave me some insight into what I’m in for, since Tristan is supposed to be heading over here today. It gives me hope that his visit will go well.” I glance at the camera. “Although the pessimist side of me thinks it’s going to be really awkward.”