“I don’t want to look at it anymore,” I whisper through my tears as I clutch the photo.
“Then get rid of it.”
“I can’t,” I sob, so afraid of the picture I can barely move.
Lily sighs exhaustedly. “Oh, fine. I’ll do it. It’s always been me anyway. I’m your out when you don’t want to do things.”
Without warning, my feet move toward my bedside and my fingers move toward my nightstand drawer. I’m not in control anymore and I’m gratefully handing it over, because I want to stop crying, want to stop staring at the photo that instills fear in me.
I open the drawer and take out the lighter. Then with a flick, I ignite the flame and watch the photo burn.
Burn.
Burn.
Burn.
And only when it’s nothing but ash, gone, dead, burned, do I feel content again.
“Now show me what else you found,” I say, feeling better that it’s gone. Like I can breathe again. Like I’m not a child cowering in the corner.
“Not yet,” she says. “Not until you’re ready.”
“And when will that be?”
“When you can’t feel anything anymore,” she says cryptically. “When you become me. Otherwise you won’t be able to handle it.”
Chapter 30
Maddie
I’m not sure what Lily means by until I become her. Become insane—accept the insane. Maybe she just means become tougher, more capable of handling things the way she does, with such indifference. I want to believe that I can’t get to that place, but with each passing day, it feels like I’m getting closer to it.
It’s been two days since Preston gave me a sedative, almost a week since I last talked to River, almost two weeks since Sydney died and I woke up in Bella’s apartment with blood everywhere. I haven’t heard anything from the cops since Detective Bennerly dropped me off at my house a few days ago, but I don’t think I’m in the clear yet. It’s late, the moon shining through my window, and I have my lamp on. As I sit on my bed, going through my new button collection, it seems like each button holds a memory, but the memory is hidden. What I really would like to know is if the ones my mother got rid of belonged to any murder victims. Was Sydney my first one or have I done this before? In my memory of the hospital I’d wrote I wasn’t a killer on the wall. But it feels like I am and with everything I’m seeing in the memories, all the death and murder by the man, maybe I somehow turned into him.
Don’t make yourself guilty when you don’t even know if you did it for sure yet. And you could find out if you—
“I know. I know. Become you, but that’s not going to happen. And besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve done a lot of bad things, without you having to tell me about them,” I mumble, scooping up the buttons and letting them slip through my fingers into the box. The sound like heavy raindrops when they land. “I saw it… In hypnotherapy… I think… I took the gun from that girl to shoot that man… but I couldn’t… but it felt like I did shoot him… I think…”
Pitter-patter… pitter-patter… I can hear the rain falling… Hear someone yelling out in anger. It makes me feel sick. Makes me fear what’s going to happen to me in just a few moments.
“Maddie, count the buttons with me. Count the buttons we’ve collected and don’t listen to the screams,” someone says in a gentle voice. “Count the buttons and pretend you’re someone else.”
“You always take good care of me, Evan,” I say, sitting up and scooting forward. One by one, I start counting the buttons. With each one, I feel better, because the buttons are the only things that belong to me anymore. And when he comes to get me, it’s easier to walk up the stairs, even when I know the pain that’s coming because Lily is stronger and handles it so much better. She knows how to turn it off. She knows how to not feel anything and is okay with it.
My hand starts to shake as the voice starts to echo in my head over and over again.
You’re a whore!
You’re a whore!
You’re a whore!
“This is all your fault,” he says as he pins me down. “You make me like this. You and that other whore. You’re evil and so you’re going to have to be punished. The bad must be punished, Maddie.” He touches my hair and the smell of cigarettes, booze, and sweat make me want to puke. I’m holding my breath and I can hear the voice of a woman in the background, the one I’ve heard but never seen like she’s afraid to come in here—see the truth. “This is all your fault, for being such a bad girl. And now you’re going to have to pay for it by watching her suffer and die. But don’t worry, Maddie, she’s been a bad girl too.”
I shake my head. “No.” Then I fight with all my strength to get out from under and somehow I manage to kick him off me. He’s surprised by my strength. He always thought I was the weaker one. But not this time.
I hurry to the nightstand and pick up a lighter while scooping up his bottle of booze and smashing the bottle to the floor. Liquid and glass spill everywhere as I flick the flame on. He rushes at me, screaming at me, that we’ll all die. But I don’t care anymore. About me. Him. Her. Anyone. I feel nothing but hollowness inside as I drop the flame and let the place burn.
My phone starts ringing from my nightstand and the memory fizzles away like dying smoke. It’s eleven o’clock and no one ever calls me, so I’m confused. But I get up and check the screen. It’s from an unknown number. Weird.
“Hello,” I answer, sitting down on my bed. There’s music playing in the background and I can barely hear anything at first.
“Maddie, I need your help.”
My entire body goes rigid. My heart stills. Time stops. “Bella… is that you?” Oh my god, she’s alive. Oh my God, I didn’t kill her. Oh my God, then who the hell’s blood was splattered all over her apartment?
“Yes!” She shouts over the music. “And I….” I hear someone else in the background. “Look, I need you to come down here right now. It’s an emergency.”
“Where the hell are you?” I get up and start pacing my room, biting my nails. Is this real? Or another one of my hallucinations? “You know everyone thinks your missing. The cops are looking for you and everything.”
“I know,” she says warily. “Look, I’m in some really big trouble and I just need you to come down here and pick me up.”