I didn’t want to go shopping, or go to the country club for lunch. I didn’t want to go to a wine tasting that night or to the tapas restaurant with my mom and all her single friends the next night. By the end of day three, I was ready to pull out my hair. I was bored, missed my sister and my job, and had learned way too much about my mom’s new sex life. Mostly, all I wanted was to get back to the mountains and, in all honesty, get back to Nash.
On the fourth day I broke down and sent him a text. All I could think to say was: I’m so sorry. We need to talk.
When he didn’t answer me back the rest of the day, I decided enough was enough. If I was the hurdle that I needed to get over in order to have him, then the only way to do it was just get over it. I was still scared, still worried about being enough, about being able to give back everything he seemed so willing to lay at my feet, but going home and confronting him, and the person he saw when he looked at me, was the first step. All people deserved love and kindness. Seeing that young girl take her own life drove that point home more clearly than anything else could have. I needed to take what Nash was showing me at face value. No one was ever going to love me better than he did.
I was only two hours into the twelve-hour return trip when I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize that came from a 303 area code. Figuring it was work or work related, I answered.
“Hello?”
“Saint.” It took me a second to recognize Royal’s voice. “Where are you?”
“Just outside of Phoenix headed home. Why? How did you get this number?”
“I know I’m the last person you want to hear from now, but the faster you can get here the better. And I’m a cop, how do you think I got your number?”
She was talking fast and an uneasy shiver slid down my spine.
“What’s going on?”
She sighed. “You were a real bitch, you know that? I don’t typically tell people about my circumstances, about the deal with my mom and the stockbroker, but I thought since you were touchy about being judged, you would get it. That was really mean what you said to me.”
Hello, life lesson right in my face. I had practically called her a whore, told her she was no better than her mother. I didn’t really mean it, didn’t know her well enough to make that kind of judgment call. I had just been spouting off like a stupid idiot because I was hurt and mad. Any lingering remains of trying to use what Nash had said in the past against him turned to ash. I couldn’t blame him anymore when I was guilty of doing the exact same thing. Luckily, unlike I had been, Royal seemed willing to accept an apology.
“I know. I’m sorry. That was a hard scene to walk in on. I jumped to conclusions without listening to explanations.”
“Well, it did look bad. I made a bunch of extra keys and now half of Denver is on call to let me in my apartment should I lock myself out again, but anyway, you need to get your cute little butt back here. Phil took a drastic turn for the worse. The mouthy little blonde with the baby was getting a bunch of stuff for Nash since he hasn’t left Phil’s bedside since you left. It doesn’t look very good. You don’t want your man to have to go through that alone. He needs you.”
I think what I was supposed to take away from this entire nightmare was not to pay attention to what words were said no matter how ugly, or to what I was seeing no matter how bad it looked. I had to have faith in the people involved—myself included. Mistakes were going to be made; that didn’t mean I had to forsake my life and my happiness because of them, not when Nash had shown me time and time again he was worth working through the pain and confusion for.
“I won’t be back in Denver until late tonight.”
She made a noise in her throat. “I hope Nash’s dad lasts that long.”
I did, too. “Thank you for letting me know.”
“I told you I wanted us to be friends.”
“I think I’m finally ready to believe you. I’m a neurotic weirdo, though. I don’t know how great a friend that will make me.”
She laughed a little even though she still sounded kind of sad. “We all have things, Saint. Things we struggle with, things that make it hard for us to see ourselves how others view us. Sharing those things is the only way to get past them.”
I didn’t tell her that I had just recently figured that out. If I didn’t get back to Denver in time, that was just one more thing I was going to have to overcome. I would never forgive myself if Nash had to face Phil passing away without me. Sure, he had a multitude of friends, people that loved him unconditionally, to help him handle his grief, but like Royal said, he needed me. No one else would do, and that’s how I knew loving him back, giving him all he gave me wasn’t going to be a problem because I needed him and only him in the exact same way.
CHAPTER 17
Nash
Royal was overly apologetic when I came back in the apartment. I waved her off and went to get dressed. Like I said, I knew this shit didn’t look good, but it kicked me in the balls that Saint wouldn’t take a breath, talk to me about it. She just automatically assumed the worst of the situation and of me, and that just sucked. I really did love her, wanted this to be a real thing, a thing I was going to have to hold on to while everything else in my life spiraled out of control. Her taking that away broke my heart, but more than anything, it made me choke on disappointment.
I got dressed, waited for the locksmith to come and let my neighbor back in her apartment—again—and headed back over to Phil’s. It was like his life was grains of sand in an hourglass and the sand was suddenly flowing much more rapidly, and I could see it. So on top of feeling like Saint had leveled me, I felt like Phil was leaving me hanging as well. I knew it wasn’t rational, but it was how I felt all the same.
While I sat at his bedside I struggled with the need to text her, to try and throw explanation after explanation on her, to beg her for a shot and not to give up on what we were building, to tell her how much I needed her, that I couldn’t do this, watch Phil fade away without her. I refrained. I couldn’t do it. I loved her, but I loved me, too, and I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t appreciate that because they didn’t appreciate themself. It hurt, but it was as real as I could see things.
A couple of days after the big scene, I was surprised when she reached out with her simple message. I didn’t know what she was sorry for. Maybe for ripping my heart to shreds by dismissing my feelings, for jumping to conclusions, for running away from me for the second time in our history without letting me explain, for not believing in me, in us—for all of it? I didn’t know what to say back to her and Phil was starting to slip in and out of lucidity, so I didn’t want to dedicate any time to trying to mend that particular fence. Not when she had yanked it out by the posts.