“I’ve been too jacked up. I was so sauced the last week there isn’t a chance in hell I could’ve got it up let alone gotten it in.”
But that wasn’t entirely true. When I had pulled Saint against me, when she had finally opened up and let me into the warm, damp recesses of her mouth, I had gotten hard as a rock and there was nothing the river of tequila in my blood could do about it. Like he was reading my mind, Rule asked, “So what’s the story with the nurse?”
“We went to school with her. She was like super smart, shy, kept to herself mostly. She didn’t party or go out, so I don’t think you would really remember her. I recognized her the night I picked Rome up from the ER after he got his head smashed in. My locker was next to hers senior year. She looks a little different now, lost some weight, I guess, and her hair is longer. She doesn’t seem to care for me very much, but she was great the night Phil was rushed to the hospital and it was nice of her to check on me last night.”
“But why would she do that if she doesn’t like you?”
“I don’t really know. I think she’s just a really nice person.”
Rule snorted. “She’s hot.”
I nodded. “She is.”
“Sucks she doesn’t dig you.”
I blew out a breath. “I guess. It’s not like I’m in the market for a girlfriend anyway.”
“Why the hell not?”
It was a familiar argument we had now. Ever since he had decided Shaw was it for him, he was on my case to settle down, to find the one girl that would make me think love actually stood a chance and that monogamy was worth trying out. While I was happy for him, for all my friends that had found “the one,” I just didn’t see that being the route for me. When my mom had tossed me aside for her idiot husband under the guise of love, I knew even at such a young age that was not something I was ever going to do. Love someone enough that they made me willing to sacrifice the rest of my life for them. I liked being single, liked having the opportunity to experience different women, different moments with different people whenever I wanted. I didn’t need a girlfriend to be fulfilled, nor did I really want one.
“Dude, I just found out my uncle is really my dad, he has cancer, and my best friend is f**king getting married in less than a month. Not to mention my pseudo big brother is expecting his first child. You tell me where in any of that I have the time or the mental capacity to try and be some chick’s boyfriend.”
He grunted and pulled the truck into the parking lot of the hospital. I felt my heart rate start to pick up and a cold sweat start to trickle down the back of my neck. We climbed out of the truck and met at the front of it. Rule gave me a hard shove with his hand and grunted when I dug the point of my elbow into his ribs to retaliate.
“That’s the thing, Nash, you aren’t ‘some girl’s’ boyfriend, you’re ‘the girl’s’ boyfriend and when it’s ‘the girl’ you find the time for it, and you get your head around it really quick because the idea of being without her is about the worst thing you can imagine.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just kept my mouth shut and followed him through the sliding glass doors and to the elevator. Unconsciously my gaze searched the long white hallways for a glimpse of fiery-red hair. I didn’t see her and I couldn’t decide if that made me feel relieved or irritated.
We got to the top floor of the hospital where the oncology unit was located and I had to follow Rule because I didn’t know which room Phil was in. Man, I really did suck and I wanted a damn cigarette so bad it was making my skin hurt. The door was cracked just a little bit and Rule stepped to the side.
“Go in there and spend some time with the guy that raised you. He might have called you his nephew, Nash, but he always treated you—hell, all of us—like his sons. I’ll give you a few minutes before I come in.”
I nodded jerkily.
I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. The curtains were pulled slightly open and the winter light was casting eerie shadows across Phil’s fragile form. He had always been a big, strapping guy, and now that I knew he was my father I could see all the similarities between him and me. It was so much more than our unusual eye color. He lifted his eyelids and looked at me. I wanted to shuffle my feet and clear my throat, but I didn’t. I walked to the end of the bed so that we were just watching each other. He was so thin and his pallor looked awful.
I rubbed my thumb along the edge of my jaw and tried for a grin. “You scared the hell out of me, old man.”
He grunted and lifted the hand that had some kind of monitor on it attached to miles of wires and tubes coming out of him.
“I was tired of all the poking and prodding. I wasn’t going to spend Thanksgiving in a goddamn hospital. I just needed to get away. I didn’t know I was sick, I thought it was just a cough.”
“Just a cough?” I couldn’t help the bitterness that crept into my tone. “I thought you were dead when I saw you lying on the floor of the cabin. Do you have any idea what that did to me?”
“I’m sorry, Nash. For all of it. I’ve made some bad decisions along the way, done some things I regret, but you, son … you were never one of them.”
There it was. Son, something I had always wanted to be and never thought I would be. I rubbed my hand across the back of my neck.
“I don’t even know what to do with that, Phil. I don’t even know what to call you anymore.”
“What you always did. I’m still just Phil, Nash. The things that happened between me and your mom, it was too long ago and had nothing to do with you. Who you are today is a man you should be proud of … a man I am proud of as a father, uncle, as a boss and anything in between. I thought I was protecting you, thought maybe getting sick was a sign. I thought it would just go away, honestly.”
“Cancer? You thought cancer would just magically go away and that you could indefinitely hide from it? Hide from us?”
“Seems to be a family trait. Took you a full week to get your ass in here, didn’t it?”
He had a point, so I just sighed and leaned against the edge of the bed. I wrapped my hands around the rail and stared at him. He was sick, it was obvious, but there also appeared to be a lightness in him that had never been there before. I wondered how hard it had been for him to pretend all this time, to listen to me bitch about my imaginary father and the blame I placed on him for the way things broke loose with my mom and her husband. Maybe it was true, and the truth really did set you free.