"How long ago was this?"
"Four years ago. I'm twenty-one now." He smirked. "And not half so arrogant or strong-willed."
"Mmm, I'll bet. How did you go from affluent Bay Area teen to Wyoming outlaw?"
He gave a flippant laugh. "Maybe I'm a stereotype. Rich kid whose parents are never around, and who eventually goes off the deep end."
"I don't believe that."
His face turned more somber. "I got in a fight with my parents. I said things I now regret. I blamed them for a lot of the problems my family has faced, especially recently. Every family has troubles, but the way my parents handled ours-" He broke off. That long, cool stare of his wavered for a moment, showing vulnerability. "They always expected the best from me and my sister. We felt a lot of pressure. I thought if I left home for a while, I could cool down and find a way to set things right."
"Are you sure you're not running from your problems?" "Seems that way, doesn't it? I'm sure my parents think I am.
What about you? How did you get interested in wilderness backpacking?"
I could tell Jude didn't want to talk about himself anymore, and I decided to respect his privacy. "Calvin was the first person I knew to backpack the Teton Crest Trail,” I said, treading carefully. It was a long, messy story, and I didn't know how much of it I wanted to tell Jude. "I always looked up to him. Even when I was young, and came up to the mountains with the Versteegs, I studied him and let him teach me his tricks, like using pine pitch in place of lighter fluid. And my dad, he'd bring me into the mountains when he'd go fly-fishing, so being up here feels a bit like hanging out in my extended backyard. To prepare for this trip, I read an entire library shelf of guidebooks, completed several shorter day hikes with my brother, Ian, lifted weights, that sort of thing. plus, like I said before, I've backpacked all over this mountain more times than I can count, so I had that experience to fall back on,” I added quickly and untruthfully.
Jude made a casual sound of agreement. I took the moonshine and forced down several burning gulps.
Jude reached for the bottle, eyed its nearly gone contents, and pocketed it.
"Hey, I wasn't done with that,” I argued.
He ignored my protest and studied me with a focused, probing gaze. "Why did you tell Shaun you're an expert backpacker? Why did you lie?"
My face grew warm and a nervous feeling expanded in my chest. "What are you talking about?"
"Have you ever been backpacking before? I don't think you have." Defensively, I said, "Just because I don't know as much as you
doesn't mean I'm incompetent."
He nudged me softly. "You don't have to lie to me, Britt. I'm not judging you. I'm looking for answers."
I didn't know if this was a trick or a test. Either way, if I told Jude I'd never backpacked the Tetons before, he'd realize how useless I was. He wouldn't need me. He could take the map and head out alone.
"Not judging me? Funny, that's exactly what this feels like you asserting your position over me."
"Don't get upset,” he said calmly. "You can tell me anything. We're a team now."
"If we're a team,” I demanded, "why have you consistently evaded my questions? Why haven't you told me how you ended up in league with Shaun? You're nothing like he was. What could he possibly give you?"
He smiled self-deprecatingly, clearly trying to lighten the mood. "There you go again, assuming I only join forces with people who can give me something in return."
"I want a straight answer!"
The smile dissolved from his face. "I came here looking for someone. I cared about them, and I made a promise to them. I'm trying to do right by that promise. I thought Shaun could help me."
"Who are you looking for?"
"It's not your business, Britt,” he said with such unexpected sharpness. I found myself too startled to argue back. Instead of meeting my eyes, he stared stonily into the distance.
His sudden savagery hurt my feelings, and I rolled onto my knees, crawling out from under the fallen tree as fast as I could. I accidentally brushed my glove over the fire's ash, singeing the fabric. I could see clear through to my finger. Cursing under my breath, I stormed out into the frosty darkness.
Behind me, I heard Jude groan.
"Britt! Wait up! I wasn't trying to make you angry. I'm sorry. Can I explain myself?"
I marched into the trees, my thoughts darting frantically. How could I salvage this? How could I convince him to stay and not leave me?
"Britt!"
I whirled around, crossing my arms tightly over my chest. "You called me a liar!"
"Just listen to me for a sec-"
"So what if I lied to Shaun? I had to! If he didn't need me, he would have killed me. Look what he did to Korbie-he left her to die! Is that what you're going to do too? Now that you realize I'm not an expert on the area and I've been relying completely on the map? Are you going to run off and leave me to fend for myself?" Jude reached toward me, but I batted his hand away. I was breathing heavily, my heart thundering. If he left me now, I'd never make it. I'd die in this place.
"You were clever enough to trick Shaun. You were smart enough to grab supplies when you ran away from the outpost. And you were able to decipher Calvin's map, which is a confusing collection of his own scribbled notes and hand-drawn landmarks. Not everyone could have read it with the same success." He put his hands on his hips, wagging his head at the snow between our feet. "I like-" he began, then caught himself. Drawing a breath, he started again. "I like having you around, Britt. That's the truth. I'm not leaving you. Even if you were a pain in the butt, I'd stay with you. It's the right thing to do. But it turns out I find you likable and interesting, and while I'm not glad you have to go through this, I'm glad we have each other."
I stared at him, thrown off guard. I hadn't expected that. He liked having me around? Even though I couldn't give him anything in return?
He reached toward me a second time, resting his hand tentatively on my shoulder. He seemed relieved when I didn't immediately slap it away. "Truce?"
My eyes flicked over his face, which appeared sincere. I nodded, grateful our fight hadn't ended badly. I still had Jude. I wasn't alone.
He drew a deep breath and his face relaxed. "Time to get some sleep. We've got a long day of hiking, starting first thing tomorrow."
I swallowed hard. "I came on this trip because of Calvin. I wanted to impress him. At one point, I actually thought we'd get back together. I thought if I came on the trip, he'd invite himself along. I trained hard, but I always thought I'd have him to rely on. Because that's what I do-I expect the men in my life to rescue me." Tears stung my eyes. "My dad, Ian, Calvin. I've always been dependent on them, and it never bothered me. It was so . . . easy to let them take care of me. But now-" My throat closed off. "My dad must think I'm dead. No way could he imagine his little girl surviving in the wild."My lip quivered uncontrollably and my face crumpled. Hot tears dripped off my chin. "There. That's the truth. That's the pathetic truth about me." Jude said we needed secrets to keep us vulnerable, but he was wrong. I'd revealed myself to him; I'd cut myself open. If that wasn't vulnerability, I didn't know what was.