Balthazaar pauses outside a narrow door, listens, then opens it. It is a storage room of sorts, full of extra weapons and unused armor. It is, I think, the perfect place.
He swiftly shuts the door, then pulls me closer. He lifts his hands to my face and cups it, his eyes searching mine. “Are you certain?”
In answer, I put my arms around his neck again and press my entire body along the length of his. “Yes.” The word rings as clear and sharp as a bell, for I am certain of nothing but this. My waiting is over; it is now time to claim the life that I want, even if I must drag it kicking and screaming to a garrison closet.
Then—finally!—he leans down to place his lips on mine.
It is everything I remember. At first, they are surprisingly cool, but within seconds it is as if the heat of my own desire flows into him as he takes what I offer, moving his own mouth so that it completely captures my own. I fall into the kiss, like a stone into a deep pond, sinking deeper and deeper until I am not sure I will ever leave. I let go of everything, everything but the sensations that engulf me.
He has beautiful lips, I realize, running my tongue along the fullness of them. They are shapely and full enough to invite kissing. Best of all, they chase away the taste of bitterness and despair that have threatened to drown me.
The faint rasp of his whiskers. The silky spot of skin my fingers find, just below his ear. His hands, sure and strong, caressing my waist, moving up along my rib cage and then down again to my hip, as if he would memorize the shape of me.
The feel of his heart echoing mine as they both beat too fast.
I step back—just a bit—to give myself room to finish unlacing my gown. I meet his eyes and am thrilled to see no sign of bleakness or despair or grim duty there. They are warm and glowing like sun-warmed stones, and the heat in them causes my heart to race faster and my fingers to falter.
“Here,” he whispers. “Let me.”
And I do.
Afterward, as I lie in his arms, savoring the feel of them around me, savoring the feel of his heart hammering under my hand where it lies upon his chest, I realize that I cannot even pretend our time together was enough. I am more drawn to him than ever, drawn to this meeting of not just our bodies and hearts, but our souls. It is an intimacy that I have hungered for my entire life yet have never been able to name. If I think this is all I will ever have of him, I fear I will weep.
I saw hope in his eyes, and an easing of his bleakness, just as I felt hope in my own heart and no longer felt alone. I promise myself that this is just the beginning. Now that I have no obligation to the convent or the abbess, I can begin to shape the future I want for myself.
Chapter Forty
AS I MAKE MY WAY to my chamber, I send out a silent plea to let it be empty. Please let Sybella be visiting her sisters and Ismae be attending to the duchess. Or locked in some private chamber with Duval. With all that has happened in the past few hours, I am feeling far too confused and raw to explain anything to anyone, even my dearest friends.
But my prayers are not answered. When I open the door, both Ismae and Sybella are there. Sybella’s gaze sharpens as her eyes rake over me, her nostrils flaring. If anyone could detect such activity as I have just been engaged in, it would be she. But to my immense relief, she says nothing about her suspicions. “Here.” She shoves a garment at Ismae. “Go put that on.” As Ismae disappears behind the screen, Sybella pours me a cup of wine and hands it to me. I am surprised at the thoughtfulness—just one more way in which she has changed. “Thank you.”
“Are you all right?” she asks under her breath, dispelling any notion I might have had that I fooled her.
I stare at my goblet as if it is the most fascinating thing in the world. “I am fine,” I assure her, then take a gulp of wine. The room is quiet except for the sound of Ismae slipping into her gown.
When she is done changing, Ismae steps out from behind the screen and hurries toward me, a look of concern on her face. I wonder how on earth I am to tell her—tell them both—that that we are not sisters. That we do not share a father and that, indeed, I have no right to the title I have claimed all my life.
When she reaches me, she grabs my arms and squeezes. “How did it go?” she asks. “How furious was the abbess?”
I laugh. “Furious does not even begin to do her reaction justice.”
Sybella frowns. “Is she going to punish you?”
That, at least, I can answer honestly. “I do not know; she has not yet said.”
Ismae goes over to Sybella and motions for her to lace up her gown. “What will she do with Crunard?”
At her question, one of Crunard’s assertions comes back to me. “He said that before, when you were in Guérande, you had a chance to kill him and you did not. May I ask why? Was he not marqued then either?”
She glances down at her hands, then back up at me. “He was marqued. However, I had just come from a battlefield where scores were marqued for death, deaths I had no hand in, so my uncertainty of how the convent was interpreting these marques had already begun to form. And now he is no longer marqued.”
Despair fills me as the knowledge that I will never see marques settles over me. “What do you think should be done with him?” I ask Ismae. “You are more familiar with his crimes than either the abbess or I am.”
Sybella smirks. “Notice she does not ask me.”
Ismae is silent for a long moment while she puts on her shoes. “I think it should be left to the duchess’s justice. Put him on trial. Have him answer for his crimes. Then, if he is to die, have it be for those crimes he has been convicted of, not some shadow that falls across his forehead that I do not trust the convent to correctly interpret.”
Her honesty has created a safe, almost holy space around us. It is the perfect opportunity to tell her of what I have learned. I take a deep breath, meaning to do precisely that, but find I cannot bend my tongue to my will. Besides, I do not yet know what I will do with my new knowledge.
Leave the convent? Report the abbess—but to whom? The sheer enormity of this revelation and its reverberations forces me to tread cautiously.
More importantly, as I stare into their dear faces, I realize that as strong as I have been, as much as I have endured, I am not strong enough to sever this bond. If I lose that, I fear I will unravel into a pile of tattered threads. “She still has not told me all.” While it is not the whole truth, it does not feel like too great a lie. That is when I notice they are both dressed most strangely. “Why are you wearing servant gowns?”