Just the thought of sleeping with Hades again made my skin crawl, and I narrowed my eyes. “Once. To consummate the marriage. If you tell my mother, I’ll rip your hair out.”
Aphrodite blinked, clearly stunned. “Why haven’t you two slept together since?”
I shrugged. I’d spoken to Hermes about this a few times, but it never got easier. And I didn’t know Aphrodite half as well as I knew him. “I don’t know. It’s just—I don’t love him. And every time I think about doing that kind of thing with him, it’s like a wall forms. I can’t move past it no matter how hard I try.”
“A wall?” she said, frowning. “But weren’t you two friends before you got married?”
I nodded. At least someone understood how little sense all of this made. “I don’t like the Underworld. It makes me feel trapped. And sleeping with him—it was horrible.”
“Everyone’s first time is horrible. Except mine, but, you know. Goddess of sex. Can’t really help it.”
“How did you do it?” I blurted. “How did you make yourself fall in love with Hephaestus?”
“I didn’t make myself,” she said. “I didn’t want to at first, you know. I mean, that’s why Ares and I ran away. But in the end…” She shrugged. “Heph and I just fit together. We work, you know? There’s really no substitute for that. I have lovers on the side, of course, but in a way it helps us.”
Hermes snorted, and Aphrodite gave him a look. “I’m serious,” she said. “I love him. I love what we have together, and he’ll always be my home. At the end of the day, it’s because of my affairs that I stay with him. It’s because of them that I don’t feel trapped.”
If only it were that easy for me. I stared at my hand intertwined with Hermes’s. “Hard to have an affair when I’m stuck down here the entire time,” I mumbled.
“They’re not for everyone,” she agreed, twirling a lock of blond hair around her finger. “But there are other ways I could help you, if you’ll let me.”
“Help how?” I said. “Make me fall in love with him?”
She scoffed. “No one can make anyone fall in love with someone else. In lust, sure—Eros is really good at that. But I mean trying to help you break down that wall. Giving you a little nudge in the right direction.”
I had no idea what she meant, and the more she talked about it, the tenser I became, until Hermes had to practically yank his hand from mine. While he was busy flexing his fingers, I said, “I don’t know.”
“Of course you do,” she said. “You want to love Hades, right?”
I hesitated. I wanted to have the chance to choose for myself, and if that included falling in love with Hades, yes. But what if it didn’t? What if, given the choice, I would’ve fallen in love with someone else? “I don’t know what I want.”
“You want to be happy. That’s what everyone wants. And if you can’t get out of this mess—”
“You don’t know that I can’t. Maybe Hades will change his mind and—”
“It isn’t his mind to change,” she said, and the moment she said it, her eyes widened, and she pressed her lips together. What the hell was she talking about?
“Aphrodite,” said Hermes in a warning voice. “Spill. Now.”
She sank onto the other arm of my chair, her expression falling. How was it possible that she could look so damn pretty all the time no matter what mood she was in? “Daddy decided you had to marry Hades because he was jealous that Hera was spending so much time with him, and he didn’t want her to get any ideas.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Wait, what?”
“It’s exactly what it sounds like,” said Aphrodite. “Hera spent some time down here, remember? And Daddy was afraid she was having an affair. She wasn’t, of course, but it’s obvious she loves Hades—”
“As a brother,” I said. Everyone knew that. “Not as a husband. She’s married.”
“Yeah, well, so am I.” She gave me a little grin. “And whether Hera likes it or not, she’s as fallible as the rest of us. She just doesn’t act on it, that’s all.”
I shook my head. The idea of Hera being in love with Hades was ridiculous. “I don’t believe you. She might love him, but that doesn’t mean she’s in love with him. He’s a nice guy, and Zeus isn’t. No wonder she ran down here to get away from him.”
Aphrodite inspected her nails. “If that’s what you want to believe, so be it. I could be wrong.”
“You are,” I said. “And even if you aren’t, Hades loves me.”
She arched an eyebrow. “So although you don’t love him, you relish the fact that he loves you.”
“Not relish.” The word sounded bitter on my tongue. “Just—it’s a fact. He does.”
“Yes, he does,” she conceded. “More than he’s loved anyone. And this is hurting him as much as it’s hurting you—”
“You think I don’t know that?” I snapped, my temper frayed. Whether it was from her spreading lies about Hera or the way she treated all of this like a game, I didn’t know. Maybe it was jealousy. But either way, the thought of accepting her offer made me sick to my stomach. “I don’t need your help, Aphrodite. If this is going to happen, it won’t be because you decide it should.”
She frowned. “That’s not how—”
“I don’t care, all right? All I want is my life back. And if you can’t give that to me—if the only other alternative is tricking me into feeling like I love him even though I don’t—then no thank you. I don’t want to be a slave to illusion.”
Two pink spots appeared on her cheeks. “Fine. If you’re not even open to the idea, then there’s no point.”
“You’re right, there isn’t.”
Huffing, she stood and ran her fingers through her hair. “I’m going back to Olympus. Hermes, are you coming?”
“Go on. I’ll catch up,” he said, and though he’d been quiet for most of the argument, he took my hand again.
Aphrodite stormed out of the room, and as soon as the door clicked behind her, a dam broke inside me. All of the frustration and anger and despair I’d swallowed since the day I’d married Hades flooded out, and I burst into tears.