“I don’t understand why she won’t stop drinking.” I said softly. “That’s why I’m here. I want to understand. I want to feel compassion.” My heart broke as I spoke. “I want to feel whole.”
“Abuse? Rape? Repressed mental trauma? Depression?” She said softly. “Those things usually lead to alcoholism. At least they did to mine.”
“I’m sorry.” I said awkwardly, having forgotten that she also had an alcohol problem.
“Don’t worry about it. My boyfriend Jim says stuff to me all the time.” She shrugged. “Way more hurtful, but I still love him.”
“What’s your name?”
“Caroline.”
“I’m Rhett.”
“Like Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind?”
“Just like Rhett Butler.” I nodded.
“I should have guessed from your drawl.” She looked at her watch. “We should grab a seat, Bill will be here soon and he likes to start right away.”
“Maybe I should go.” I said again, uncertainly. I wasn’t even sure why I’d ended up here. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to figure out.
“Don’t go.” She grabbed my arm, her eyes pleading with me. “Maybe you’ll find some answers.”
“I doubt it.”
“You never know. It helps me to come.” She gave me a wistful smile, her eyes looking suddenly bleak. “These meetings are like a glimpse of sunshine in my grey days.”
“Oh, I don’t—”
“I sound depressing, don’t I?” She giggle suddenly. “Jim always tells me to smile. He says that’s my best asset.”
“Then you should never stop smiling.”
“We’re high school sweethearts you know. You wouldn’t think it by looking at me now, but I was head cheerleader and he was a part of the football team.”
“All-American couple.”
“We were Homecoming King and Queen.” She stared off in the distance. “Of course I knew we would be.”
“That’s great.”
“I bet you and Clementine were King and Queen as well right?” She looked at me then. “There’s no way you weren’t.”
“We didn’t date in high school.” I said softly, thinking back to my friendship with Clemmie in high school. I couldn’t believe how blind I’d been. “I was a bit of a doofus and didn’t realize until recently that I loved her.”
“Wow.”
“We’ve been best friends for years.” I continued. “And a part of me has always loved her, but I just didn’t realize just what she meant to me.”
“Why isn’t she here?” She looked at me questioningly. “I’m surprised she didn’t come as well.”
“She doesn’t know I’m here.” I took a deep breath. “She doesn’t know that my mom is dying.”
“I’m sorry.” Caroline grabbed my hand. “I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”
“It’s fine.” I shrugged. “I came because I want to understand why I feel the way I do. My heart is breaking and at the same time I feel a cold indifference.” The words came out of my mouth reluctantly. It felt like I was letting out a secret I was ashamed of. A secret I didn’t want anyone to know about. “And I think that my feelings towards my mother are hurting my relationship with Clementine.”
“What does she say?”
“She doesn’t know.” I said softly. “I don’t know how to tell her that I feel empty inside. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know how to explain that even though I love her with all my heart, there are days that my heart feels empty and void.” I whispered the words feeling ashamed.
“Love’s weird.” She nodded. “I love Jim, but you know, the alcohol is something I love as well.”
“I just want to be able to heal my heart.” I sighed. “I just want to get over the hurt my mom left me with and I guess I came here because I think understanding her problem will help me to forgive her. And forgiving her will help me get rid of this void she left me with. And once I get rid of that void, I can get over the fear that Clementine might leave me.”
“I understand.” Caroline nodded, her eyes full of tears. “I’m scared that Jim might leave me too. He’s the only one I have now. I just need to be a better person. I just need to give up the drink. If I could just go back to a time when I didn’t drink, I’d be okay. We’d be okay. Jim and I could be okay. I just need to turn back time. I just need to go back to a day I didn’t drink, then I could make sure I never picked up a bottle.”
“I’m sure Jim understands how hard you’re trying.” I squeezed her arm and she looked at me then, her eyes clouded over.
“I just wish I could do my life over.” She whispered and we walked over to the chairs.
***
“Bye Caroline.” I waved as she ran out of the room as soon as the session had ended. I was sad that she’d just left like that, but I guessed that her boyfriend was most probably waiting on her to come home. Just like Clementine. I felt guilty that I’d left the apartment without letting her know I’d be gone, but I was so thankful that I’d come here. I didn’t fully understand what it was to be an addict, but I’d seen the pain that many of the group were dealing with and I was beginning to understand how complex the issue of addition was. I turned to Bill the instructor and spoke, “Thanks for having me here. I really appreciate you letting me sit in.”
“We were glad to have you Rhett. You should really check out some Nar-Anon groups.” He handed me some papers. “I think you’ll find that it’s helpful being around other people that have family members that are addicts. “It’s important for you to not take on the addiction issue and let it control your life.”
“I think I’m going to look for a group.” I nodded, thankfully. “I was glad to come today though. I know this might sound weird, but I feel calmer after having been here. I really liked everyone, especially Caroline.”
“And Caroline really took to you. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her smiling like that.” Bill said.
“Oh, she seems really nice.” I nodded. “I hope her boyfriend comes to a meeting soon to support her.”
“Her boyfriend?” He looked confused.