He opened his mouth as if to make a quick retort, clamped it shut, then reconsidered. “I don’t condone operatives using anyone.”
“But you’d leave it up to them. That’s all I’m saying.”
“It’s not my job to be everyone’s conscience.”
“Exactly my point!”
He fell silent until they reached Portal.
“Does this have anything to do with that night in January?” he asked as they came into town.
“It has nothing to do with that.” At least, she didn’t think it did. But there was always the possibility. Was she assuaging her wounded ego by reveling in Ethan’s apparent interest?
“You’re not trying to prove to me how desirable you are to other men?”
“No! I’m not trying to prove anything.”
“But you think I don’t see how attractive you are.”
She pressed her palms to her eyes. “Stop it. That’s not my problem at all.”
He punched the gas pedal again once they’d passed Portals few buildings. “Then what is?”
Her problem was that she wasn’t acting this time, couldn’t slip into another persona, be someone else, like she did when she went undercover on drug deals. She had to cope with her feelings for Nate; not only that, the religious aspect of this assignment forced her to confront her resentment toward her father. The combination was awkward, uncomfortable, upsetting. She was undercover, but she was playing herself, the one person she usually tried to escape. “I don’t know. I think it’s all the echoes from my past. It just makes me so…angry that anyone could use religion as a tool against others.”
“You didn’t look angry when you were staring into Ethan’s eyes,” he muttered. “You looked like you were thinking about a completely different kind of tool.”
“That’s crude.”
“Is it true?”
As far as she was concerned, that didn’t deserve an answer. “Listen, not everything I do is going to please you, but I’m trying my best, okay?”
“If that was your best, it’s not good enough. He ordered his followers to stone a woman, Rachel. Plus, a girl not even eighteen years old went missing shortly after visiting the compound, and I got a very uneasy feeling during dinner that Ethan knows more about it than he’s willing to say. Then there’s the drunk-driving accident that killed one of the Spiritual Guides who was, by all accounts, growing disenchanted with the Church of the Covenant.”
She loosened her seat belt a little. “You think I’ve forgotten our purpose here? I’m in this to bring him down, not to get off! If all I cared about was getting off, I’d have plenty of other options.”
His voice dropped. “You’re not on the beach now.”
“So? What are you trying to say?”
“I’m one of those options, Rachel. Under the circumstances, I’m your best option.”
She blinked. “You’re offering me sex? You can’t be serious.”
He met her gaze but didn’t answer, so she let out a laugh to cover the embarrassment—he really believed she might be desperate enough to accept his ridiculous offer? “You are serious. Well, thanks for being willing to make such a big sacrifice, but you can relax. I wouldn’t sleep with you again if you were the only man on earth. Not after last time.”
“I thought you couldn’t remember anything about last time,” he said as he parked in their driveway and shut off the engine.
“Because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by admitting the truth.”
“Which is…”
“You were lousy, okay? You’re no good in bed, and I’m not interested.” Jumping out of the truck, she headed for the trailer.
19
Nate knew he hadn’t handled that very well. The only way to put an end to the tension between them was to seduce Rachel. But his conscience wouldn’t allow it. He hadn’t taken Susan’s devotion seriously, and look what had happened there. She was okay now and had since married and had a daughter, but things could have ended very differently. For a moment they almost had. A relationship with Rachel could go just as wrong. She’d been on her own for too many years, was lonely and disillusioned and searching for the love she’d been denied by her father. And he wasn’t the right man to give her that. They were worlds apart. But it bothered him that, after the ceremonial dance, Ethan was probably as aware of her need as he was—not the need for religion she was trying so hard to feign but the need for love she was trying so hard to hide.
Leaning his head against the back of the chair he’d dragged into the front yard as soon as he thought Rachel was asleep, he gazed up at the stars. What should he do? He was going crazy out here. All he could think about was touching her, regardless of the damage he might cause.
Thanks for being willing to make such a big sacrifice…. He laughed softly to himself. She had no idea. If he wasn’t working so hard to protect her, she would’ve been in his bed the first night they’d arrived and every night since.
Movement in his peripheral vision made him turn toward the trailer. Rachel was up. Thanks to the moonlight, he could see her at the kitchen window, peering out toward the driveway, checking for his truck.
With a sigh, he pushed himself up and headed inside. He wasn’t out here to worry her or punish her. The situation between them was tense enough.
As soon as he walked in, she folded her arms over the tank top she wore to bed each night. Obviously, she hadn’t been expecting to run into him. She hadn’t even turned on the lights. She’d merely tiptoed out of her room to see if he’d left.
Because of what had happened the last time he’d seen her like this, he expected her to dart into her bedroom and not come out again. But she held her ground.
“You have something more to say to me?” he asked from the entrance to the kitchen.
She cleared her throat. “As a matter of fact, I do. I—I owe you an apology for—” her eyes lowered “—saying what I did about that night in January. I…What happened at your condo was my fault, not yours. I realize that.” He couldn’t see her clearly in the dark, but he could imagine how flushed her cheeks were. The embarrassment she felt made her voice sound a bit strangled. “So it’s not fair for me to be unkind about it. I got what I asked for, and when it was all over I got what I deserved.”