Seriously.
Somebody probably milks her every morning.
And nobody did today, said Seth.
They stood and stared. The cow continued munching from the hayloft. Seth pointed at the back of the barn.
Chapter Seventeen
Look at the manure!
Sick!
The world's biggest cow pie!
You would notice that.
The cow let out another bellowing complaint, the most insistent so far. They clamped their hands over their ears until the lowing stopped.
We probably should try to milk her, Kendra said.
How are we supposed to do that! Seth cried.
There has to be a way. They must do it all the time.
We can't even reach her thingies.
I bet that cow could tear this place apart if she wanted.
I mean, look at her! She keeps getting more upset. Her udder looks like it's about to burst. Who knows what kind of powers she has. Her milk lets people see fairies. The last thing we need is a giant magical cow running around loose.
It could be total mayhem.
Folding his arms, Seth surveyed the task. This is impossible.
We need to search the closets. Maybe they have special tools.
What about Grandpa?
We're out of leads, said Kendra. If we don't milk this cow, we could end up with a new disaster on our hands.
In the closets they found a variety of tools and equipment, but no obvious gear for milking gargantuan cows. There were empty barrels all around, in and out of closets, which Kendra figured must be used for catching milk. In one closet Kendra found a couple of A-frame ladders. These might be all we need, she said.
How do we even get our hands around those things?
We don't.
There has to be a gigantic milking machine, Seth said.
I'm not seeing anything like that. But it might work if we just hug and drop.
Are you nuts?
Why not? Kendra said, motioning between the teats and the floor. It isn't that far from the ni**les to the ground.
We're not trying to use barrels?
No, we can waste the milk. Barrels would get in the way. We just need to relieve the pressure.
What if she steps on us?
She hardly has any room to move. If we stay under the udder, we'll be fine.
They dragged the ladders into position, one beside each of two teats on the same side of the mammoth cow. They climbed the ladders. Only by standing one rung from the top were they high enough to grip the teat near the udder.
Seth stood waiting while Kendra tried to get into position.
These feel wobbly, she said.
Balance.
She hesitantly stood upright. It felt a lot higher than it had looked from the ground. You ready?
No. I bet this barn will hold her.
We have to at least try.
Hug the thingy and slide down? Seth asked.
We'll trade off, you, then me, then you, then me.
Then we'll do the other side.
How about you start it?
You're better at this sort of stuff, Kendra said.
That's true, I milk a lot of giant cows. I'll show you my trophies sometime.
Seriously, you start, urged Kendra.
What if it hurts her?
I don't think we're big enough. I'm more worried that we're not going to be able to get any out.
So I should squeeze as hard as I can, Seth confirmed.
Sure.
Once I do it, you'll do it, and we'll just keep going as fast as we can.
And if I ever find a giant cow milking trophy, I'll buy it for you, Kendra offered.
I'd rather we kept it our little secret. You ready?
Go for it.
Hesitantly Seth placed a hand against the huge teat.
The cow mooed, and he recoiled, crouching and grabbing the ladder with both hands to steady himself. Kendra tried to stay balanced as she laughed. Finally the foghorn moo ended.
I changed my mind, Seth said.
I'll count to three, said Kendra.
You go first or I'm not doing it. I almost fell and wet my pants at the same time.
One... two... three!
Seth stepped off the ladder, embracing the teat. He slid down it and fell to the floor along with an impressive jet of milk. Kendra stepped off and hugged the teat as well. Even with her holding tightly, it slid through her embrace faster than she expected. She hit the floor with warm milk already soaking her jeans.
Seth was on his way back up the ladder. I'm already disgusted, he said, stepping off and sliding down again.
This time he kept his feet when he landed. Kendra went up and slid down again. Hugging as hard as she could, she descended a little more slowly, but still fell over when she hit the floor. Already milk was everywhere.
Soon they fell into a rhythm, both of them landing on their feet most of the time. The engorged udder hung low, and they got better at using the teat-hug to control their fall. Milk gushed copiously. While they were sliding, the teats sprayed like fire hoses. It must have been at least seventy jumps each before the output began to slacken.
Other side, Kendra gasped, breathing hard.
My arms are dead, Seth complained.
We have to hurry.
They scooted the ladders over and repeated the process.
Kendra tried to pretend she was on a surreal playground, where the kids waded in milk instead of sand and slid down thick, meaty poles.
Kendra focused on climbing the ladder and landing as lightly as possible. She worried that if either action became routine, she could have a bad accident, spraining an ankle, breaking a bone, or worse.
At the first sign that the flow of milk was slackening, they collapsed in exhaustion, not worried about lying in milk because their clothes and hair were already drenched.
Both of them gulped air desperately. Kendra put a hand to her neck. My heart is beating like a jackhammer.
I thought I was going to puke, that was so foul, complained Seth.
I'm more tired than sick.
Think about it. You're dripping with warm, raw milk while your face rubs down a cow nipple about a hundred times.
More than that.
We doused the whole barn, Seth said. I'm never drinking milk again.
I'm never going to the playground, Kendra vowed.
What?
Hard to explain.
Seth scanned the area under the cow. The floor has drains, but I don't think much of the milk is going down.
I saw a hose. I doubt the cow would like milk rotting all over the place. Kendra sat up and squeezed milk out of her hair. That was the best workout I ever had. I'm dead.
If I did that every day I'd look like Hercules, said Seth.
You mind grabbing the ladders?
Not if you do the hosing.
The hose was long and had good water pressure, and the drains seemed to have plenty of capacity. Flushing the milk away turned out to be the easiest part of the process.
Seth had Kendra hose him off, and then returned the favor.
From the time the milking began in earnest, the cow made no more noise and displayed no more interest in them. They called for Grandpa and Lena in the barn, just to be sure, starting with small voices to avoid startling the cow and gradually building to shouts. As had been their lot all day, their calls went unanswered.