But I slowed my steps anyway.
“Jamie, what’s that mark on your cheek?” Emory touched her own. “Your blusher is totally uneven.”
I pressed my hand to my face. “I’m not wearing any makeup,” I said, though I was—but just a little. Not a Jersey Girl amount, not to draw attention.
“So where’s, um, Milo McRae?” asked Noogie. Taffy-pulling his name. By now, she and Emory had sprawled out on the quilt. Hands propped, legs stretched, toes ballerina-pointed. I decided not to take a space next to them. I wasn’t feeling nearly welcome enough.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly.
“Sebastian told me you and Milo came together.” Emory arched her eyebrow.
“Oh, I …” I was confused. Why did she sound sarcastic? And why did they care where Milo was? I couldn’t take it personally. I hardly knew her, after all. But I’d thought we’d had a little bit of an alliance.
And now Aidan and Lizbeth had joined up with them. I fully expected the Aidan factor to be awkward, but it was more civilized, with Lizbeth kicking off her flops and dropping to sit cross-legged on the quilt. Emory didn’t seem perturbed. The bond between lifers certainly didn’t extend to me. In fact, I was the odd one out. I felt self-conscious and embarrassed without knowing exactly why. My eyes scanned for Sebastian—where was he?
“I’ll just go for those drinks,” said Aidan. “Jamie, you want anything?” Though he hardly seemed to be listening as I told him no thanks, and he took off.
“So, I am super curious, Jamie,” said Lizbeth, with a little condescending giggle. “We all are. Where in the world did Milo go?”
“He went to see his friends,” I answered. “I mean, he’s definitely not hanging around me tonight, if you’re looking for him.”
“Oh yes. He is very, very hard to find,” said Lizbeth, nodding. “Didja hear that, Noogs?” She tapped her toe against Noogie’s ankle. “Milo’s with his friends. So now Jamie can relax. Unless she’s the designated driver?” There it was again, that smirking condescension. “Or is Milo driving?”
“Milo’s only fourteen,” I said. “He’s a kid. He can’t drive. Not on my watch, anyhow.”
“Oh, right. Milo’s fourteen. I think Isa told me that once.” Noogie barked a laugh and clapped her hands together. Her attitude toward me was an improvement over Lizbeth’s, but I wouldn’t have called it nice. “You’re sure a stickler for the facts, Jamers.”
I couldn’t answer. I didn’t like how this was going at all. The static had begun again in my ears, worse than ever. I pushed my fingers against them little girl blue come blow your horn as I stared at Noogie, uncomprehending. Had I pegged her wrong? Was she a complete fake, the kind of girl who took on whatever personality was most convenient for the moment she was in? I knew girls at school like that.
Or—worse thought—Noogie and Lizbeth believed that I was some stealthy cougar girl all hot for Milo? “Hey, look, there’s nothing between Milo and me. If that’s what you’re insinuating,” I blurted. “I mean, please. I’d never hook up with a fourteen-year-old.” Did I sound like a liar? Did they know about Sean Ryan?
What did they know?
They were laughing now. Really laughing at me. What was all this attitude about? It was as if they’d all gotten together and decided I was
“Let it go, Jamers,” said Noogie. She was using her lifeguard voice, the one that usually came with a shrill, reprimanding whistle.
“Let what go?” Decided I was some kind of joke, some kind of Jersey Girl who
“You know what. You’ve got poor Connie Hubbard half out of her mind, wondering what wackadoodle thing you’ll think up next.”
Connie, of course. I was so naïve—of course Connie was the one spreading the stories. She’d already told everyone about my kidnapping Isa off to Pendleton. Now they’d rallied against me. Everyone on the island thought I was careless and irresponsible. Maybe they even knew about the pills; maybe they knew about Sean Ryan. Connie could have read my journal—come to think of it, I hadn’t seen it around in a while.
Or … or maybe Sean Ryan somehow had found out about my job here, and had contacted Miles McRae in Hong Kong, and told him that I wasn’t competent to take care of his daughter.
My thoughts weren’t lining up logically the sheep’s in the meadow the cow’s in the corn where is the girl and part of me knew that, but the ideas were shooting too fast through my head and unstoppable now, round and round the cobbler’s bench and my ears were ringing and my body felt unable to support the pressure she’s under the haystack of all the accusations.
Hold on to yourself she’s under the haystack. I stared from Noogie to Lizbeth. “Stop laughing,” I commanded them. I began to back away. I’m under the haystack fast asleep. “I mean it. Stop laughing at me.”
Noogie stopped. “Jamie,” she said. “It’s only because we’re … we can’t help …” She reached out a hand as if I were standing on a ledge.
“Help what?” I demanded. “Help how?” In answer, they gaped; nobody was going to step forward, nobody wanted to tell me the big secret when they could all stand around laughing at me. I couldn’t bear it and without another word, I turned away. Running for the sea the haystack the haystack, which suddenly looked so inviting, the rolling waves were beckoning me.
I waded out into the darkness. My ankles were sucked up in wet sand as the salt water lapped cold around my knees. I filled my lungs with deep breaths of salty air. My skin and hair turned sticky, my ears were corrosive with sound, but the promise of a calm on the horizon was so seductive fast asleep I’m fast asleep I’d just keep walking, yes, that’s what I’d do, farther and farther until I couldn’t
“Jamie?”
I whipped around. The klieg lights from the stage were lit up behind him, so Sebastian was all outline, like a paper cutout. I could have hugged him, but there was a formality in the way he held himself that stopped me. Oh no. Not Sebastian, too. Whatever they’d thought I’d done, I couldn’t begin to deal with the idea that he’d joined them, and that everyone was against me tonight.
“Oh, hi! I’m so glad you’re here,” I said anyway, blinking back the sting in my eyes. “When you didn’t text me back, I thought you were upset about Milo.”