Chapter 8
Logan
I was ashamed of myself. For the first time in my life, I was ashamed of who I was as a human being. As I drove, all I could think about was how I could have even entertained the thought of getting Maddie pregnant for revenge. That wasn’t who I was; I didn’t just ruin people’s lives. Especially not Maddie’s. I snuck in a quick glance at her as I drove and I was struck at the intensity of emotions running through me as I looked at her. I had well and truly f**ked up this whole situation; I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do now. I couldn’t stay in her life. I didn’t trust myself or my brothers around her. She was safer without me in her life. There was nothing I could do to help make her life better.
“Where are we going?” Maddie’s voice was open and I wondered how she could be so trusting. I guess that was one of the negatives of sheltering your kids: they didn’t truly know what danger looked and smelled like.
“I want to take you to a field.”
“Oh.” She laughed. “I suppose since we didn’t get to make love in the backseat.”
“No, this isn’t about sex.” I shook my head and reached over and grabbed her hand. “Don’t get me wrong, I love having sex with you, but that’s kinda all we know about each other. If we’re going to be friends, we need to …”
“Okay, stop right there.” Maddie turned to face me. “You surprise me every single day, Logan Martelli. I knew you were a great guy.”
“I’m not a great guy.” I denied her words. If she knew the truth about what I had been thinking about doing, well, I’m not sure she would be so gushing then.
“So why are we going to a field then?”
“It’s a special field.” I smiled at her briefly. “Just be patient.”
“Okay.”
I looked at the familiar surroundings as I drove and I could almost smell the pollen in the air. The fields we passed were lush and green with dashes of colors, the flowers were in bloom and they brightened up the otherwise dull fields. I got excited as I pulled off of the road and down a street with a Do not pass sign. I stopped the car and jumped out.
“Come on, we have to walk from here.”
“Can we leave the car here?” She jumped out of the car and looked worried. “What of the police see it?”
“It’ll be okay.” I laughed. “If you didn’t notice, we’re on a private road, pretty far from the main road. The police won’t be coming.”
“Okay.” She looked up at me with bright eyes. “So where are we going?”
“Follow me.” I reached over and grabbed her hand and she smiled at me happily. For a moment, everything almost felt normal. I felt like a regular guy, on a date with a girl he liked, and everything was right in the world. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Maddie and I were happy to be in this moment.
“So what is this place?” Maddie asked again, not able to keep her curiosity to herself as we walked down overgrown path.
“It’s a special field my mom used to take me to as a boy. Just me and her.” I didn’t look at Maddie as I spoke, scared that somehow I would be too overwhelmed to continue on this journey. “I always loved nature, it’s something I got from my mom. I love the smell of the grass, I love the feel of the sun on my face, I love to just be swallowed up by nature; it makes me feel like I’m a part of something.”
“It kinda makes you believe in something higher, doesn’t it?” Maddie’s voice was soft and thoughtful as she looked around. “When I go camping, I’m reminded that there is so much more to the world than whether I get good grades or a new top.”
“Yeah.” I dropped her hand and bent down to pick her a few flowers that were growing to the right of us. “Like, take a look at these. Have you ever seen such a bright pink before in your life? Look how vivid it is. It’s a pink that could punch you in the face.”
“They are beautiful,” she agreed, and smiled at me, a delicious, wide, gorgeous smile and I felt a part of me melt inside. It was as if she had awakened in me something that I hadn’t known existed. A part of me that was full of wonder and belief.
“And this one.” I held the violet flower delicately. “This one reminds me of your eyes, it’s purple, but when you look at it in a different light, it looks navy blue. So beautiful and deceiving. Yet so lovely and captivating.”
“I hope you don’t think I’m deceiving.” She smiled at me searchingly and my breath caught as my heart constricted at the sight of her.
“I think the image of you is deceiving,” I answered slowly, trying to explain it to her, as well as to myself. “I think when I look at you, I see a beautiful, wonderful, capricious girl. And all I can focus on is your impish smile. But then there are times I look at you, and I see Maddison Wright, and I see a rich, privileged girl. And I feel deceived, because how can I be falling for the girl with the purple eyes if she’s Maddison Wright ...” My words trailed off and we stared at each other for a while. I think we were both in shock, not because I had voiced my inner turmoil but because I had admitted I was falling for her. I was really falling for her, and I knew that a relationship between us would do nothing but cause more trouble.
“So when I look at you, Logan Martelli,” she began softly and then reached over to hold my hands. “When I look at you, I see the handsome boy I grew up daydreaming about. I see your dark blond tousled hair and green eyes, and I think, this man is too handsome to be here with me. I think you can have any girl you want. And you’re cocky and self-assured, and you don’t mind throwing punches. And I think, he’s a player, he’s all about one thing. But then I see that hint of a smile in your eyes, followed by an even quicker hint of sadness and a whole lot of anger. And I think, this man, this man is trouble. He’s secretive, and he doesn’t trust, and he’s a thief, and I know he hates my father. And I think, what am I doing here? What do I hope to get out of this? Am I just looking for a heartache?”
“I don’t want to cause you a heartache, Maddie.” Her words cut my heart and I didn’t know what else to say.
“I slept with you on the first night I met you.” She shook her head, slightly laughing to herself. “I tried to steal a cop car to get you to like me. I’ve cried and almost begged you to be friends.” She leaned in towards me. “I’ve been slightly crazy, and I told myself that it would be worth it, that it had to be worth it. And just now, you made it all worth it.”