Devlin’s eyes went dark as he looked up from adjusting Sabbath’s martingale. With all the preparations and chaos of an event day, he hadn’t been thinking about what he was missing but it all came back to him as she stood in the early sunlight, dressed in her show clothes. He knew how she felt, wearing that jacket. The marbles in her stomach, the course order she’d be memorizing like a treasure map, the delicious agony of waiting for her time in the ring. Those were things a competitor never forgot. And even though he was happy for her, he ached for what he’d lost.
“You all set?” he asked as she approached.
A.J. reached out and put a hand on his forearm. “Hey, are you okay?”
Devlin was surprised at her concern, having assumed he’d kept his emotions to himself.
“Of course. Why do you ask?”
“You look like you’re hurting.”
He debated whether or not to brush off her concern. The last thing she needed to be burdened with as she headed into the ring was his problems, but he found it hard to keep things from her. With those piercing blue eyes staring up at him, seeing through him, into his pain, he couldn’t help but respond.
His eyes drifted toward the show ring. “I miss it. I really miss…all of this. I haven’t been to a show since…”
“You don’t have to stay,” she said. “If it’s too hard—”
“I would never leave. I’m here for you.”
Their eyes met and held. Abruptly, the crowd evaporated, the teeming noise around them stilled, the competition ceased to exist. For the span of a heartbeat, they were the only two people in the world.
And then Sabbath stamped a hoof and Chester called out a question about the tack and someone behind them let out a curse as a bucket of water was knocked over.
As he fought the urge to take her into his arms, Devlin nodded toward the stallion. “So what do you say—shall we find out if we can work and play well with others?”
The two looked at Sabbath, whose eyes were darting around his head like Ping-Pong balls, and then toward the practice ring. Already, there were riders scaling jumps and trotting at the rail. All competitors shared the one ring and the same three or four fences for warm-up. At the same time.
“Any chance we can put a bag over his head for this?” she quipped as they went over to the horse. After taking the reins in her hands, Devlin gave her a leg up.
“I’ll tell you what,” he said. “If he misbehaves, he’s grounded. No phone privileges, no TV. We’re taking a hard line.”
She laughed.
“A.J.,” he said softly.
She was still smiling as she looked down at him. “What?”
“Thanks for knowing me so well. For understanding me.”
His hand squeezed her leg.
“I…care about you,” she said softly.
“That makes me a very lucky man.”
They started out for the practice ring, A.J.’s heart swelling with joy.
Even though it was difficult to concentrate on anything other than Devlin, Sabbath demanded, and got, her full attention as soon as he entered the ring. Rearing up and letting out a royal holler, he announced his arrival to the other horses who were warming up. As A.J. struggled to get him under control, she thought again how getting romantically involved with her trainer was dangerous.
“Let’s get him loosened up at the rail first,” Devlin told her.
With some difficulty, A.J. coached the stallion into a trot. Head cocked like a gun hammer, he was eager to start something and everyone else in the ring knew trouble when they saw it coming. They all gave Sabbath a wide berth.
While she was trying to keep the stallion as calm as possible, the first competitor was ready to go into the big ring. A.J. kept one eye ahead of her and one eye on the event course, anxious to see what was going to happen. When the buzzer sounded, the rider was off, the woman’s mount eating up the distances between jumps and sailing over the fences with great bursts of strength. It was a strong round but not a clean one. The horse had faulted over the second combination, the trouble spot Devlin had predicted.
Even though she would have liked to watch more of the event, A.J. knew she had to focus on Sabbath, and by the time the first eight competitors had gone through the course, she’d managed to muscle him over a few practice fences. The results weren’t promising. The stallion was skidding out from under her commands, fighting her at every turn, running free from under the bit. They looked like amateurs, as if she didn’t know what she was doing and the stallion didn’t know any better.
Bringing him to a halt at Devlin’s command, she wrung out her arms and tried to keep the string of curses in her head to herself. She was feeling like she’d made the worst mistake of her life and was showing it off to a peanut gallery that wasn’t inclined to be charitable even on a good day.
“Let’s get away from here,” Devlin said.
“But my turn’s coming up fast.”
“I know, but trust me on this. Your eyes are glassy and you look as if you’ve already lost. You need to focus.”
A.J. let him take the reins and lead the stallion out of the ring to a shaded area. Hidden by the side of a barn, they had some privacy.
“Look at me,” he said.
She turned slowly, like she was coming out of a dream.
“At this point, you’ve already lost and not because of the horse. If you don’t pull yourself out of this funk, you’re going to have more to be sorry for than the fact you took a chance and right now are feeling rocky about it.”
“I’m so embar—”
“Stop it. Going into the ring as you are now, this horse is going to plant you in the ground like a marigold. He’s going to hit those jumps and go hell-bent for trouble and you’re going to wish you were back here, in this moment, making the choice to pull it together instead of pity yourself.”
A.J. shook her head, visions of failure swirling in her mind.
“What have I done?”
“It’s too late to rehash a decision you made weeks ago. Quit with him after this event if you have to but don’t throw in the towel ten minutes before you’re supposed to be in the ring. It smacks of cowardice and you know it.”
It took her a moment to absorb the advice. He was right. Turning away wasn’t the answer because she’d only end up with more regrets later. In her mind, she pictured returning to the stables without having gone into the ring, knowing she’d backed down.