“No,” I said. “You don’t understand. Well, maybe you would understand. Actually, you would understand better than most.”
“You’re rambling, Sam.”
“That’s me,” I said. “Ramblin’ Sam.”
“And what is it you think I don’t understand?”
“It might have been only a cat—oh, God, Tinker Bell—but I seriously lost all control of myself.”
“It was only a cat—not to say that Tinker Bell wasn’t an awesome cat. So, try to relax. Deep breaths. You didn’t kill anyone, right?”
I nodded, perhaps with a little less conviction than he wanted.
“Right?” he asked.
“Right,” I said. “I didn’t kill anyone. I swear.”
“Pinky swear?”
“Yes, dammit. Just the cat, and I feel terrible enough as it is.”
“Terrible is good, Sam.”
“What do you mean?”
I had my down pillow laid over my lap. Fang was sitting opposite me, legs crossed as well. He was as tall as Kingsley, certainly, but not as big, not by a long shot. No one was. Perhaps ever. I doubted Kingsley could sit cross-legged on a bed to save his life. Having tree trunks for legs had that effect.
Speaking of Kingsley, I knew he would not be happy to know that Fang and I were currently sharing my bed. Of course, we were both sitting on my bed, and one of us was currently doubting her sanity, but guys tended to overlook such minor details. I had no reason to hide it from Kingsley, and I would tell him later, and he would just have to get over it. For now, Fang was the only vampire I knew, and certainly the only one I trusted.
“It’s good that you feel terrible, Sam. We need you to feel terrible. That terrible part is your humanity.”
“But it didn’t feel terrible in the moment. It felt right. Damn right.”
“I have no doubt, Sam.”
Fang rested his elbows easily on his knees. He was a good-looking guy. Straight nose. Bright eyes. His pale complexion went without saying. Earlier in his transformation, he had gone to a dark place, and had stayed there for a while. During so, my relationship with Kingsley had blossomed all over again, and Fang and I had lost touch for many months. Our rebuilding was slow. A few emails. A few texts, and then the IM-ing started again. Officially, we were the last two people on earth to still instant message.
Anyway, I was glad he had pulled himself out of it. Mostly, I was glad to have my Fang back in my life again. Our relationship seemed to have evolved into a true friendship, which was what I needed. He seemed to be mostly okay with it.
Now, he studied me long and hard, and I knew he was wishing like crazy that he could dip into my thoughts again. He was my first, so to speak. My first telepathic link. And, as with all firsts, he held a special place in my heart.
“I think, Moon Dance, that the key here is to never allow yourself to get to that place again.”
“What place?”
“That place of darkness. Hear me out. The Librarian told you that the key to defeat the thing within you—”
“And within you, too, I might add.”
He nodded. “Yes, but so far, the thing within me has stayed buried deep, as had been the case with you.”
He was right. Elizabeth had lain dormant for many years, only recently making an appearance...and making my life a living nightmare in the process.
Fang went on: “Anyway, the Librarian had told you that the key to defeating her was with love.”
“He did, yes. Maybe he’s the original hippie.”
“Or maybe he knows what he’s talking about,” said Fang. “What if the love he’s referring to you is...love for yourself.”
“I’m not following.”
“Exactly,” said Fang. “You have spent so long hating yourself for what you are. Hating yourself for what you have become. Hating the thing within you. Hating your predicament. Hating Danny. Hating anything that has come up against you—”
“And my nails.”
I held up my hands. “I hate my nails.”
“Right, your nails. Anyway, my point is this: your own self-hatred has awakened the beast within you. Literally. That is why, I think, she has made such a strong showing. You have created an environment within yourself for her to flourish.”
“Hating myself is kinda my thing.”
“I know, Sam. But you didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t deserve this. You deserve love. Self-love.”
His words hung in the air, and I did my best to absorb them. Truthfully, the concept of loving myself seemed...foreign. Which shouldn’t be the case. Not for me, not for anyone.
“Self-love,” I said again, and for some reason, I giggled.
“Not that kind of self-love, Samantha Moon! But surely that wouldn’t hurt either.”
And, yeah, we both laughed...and, yeah, I’m pretty sure I would be keeping this last exchange from Kingsley. The big oaf didn’t need to know everything, dammit. Of course, the poor guy was currently in lockdown mode at his residence. I was never, ever permitted to see him the day before the full moon or the day after. Which was fine by me. At this time of the month, he tended to be grumpy as hell anyway.
“You said something about never letting myself get to this point again. What did you mean by that?”
“You will need to be diligent in your feeding, Samantha. Get yourself on a regular schedule. Go back to the cow and pig blood, as filthy as it is.”
“Wait, why?”
“Hear me out. It’s filthy and disgusting, yes, but the key here is that you did not crave that blood. You did not hunger for it. You consumed it only to stay alive. However, you only awakened the beast within when you began consuming human blood on a regular basis.”
“She prefers human blood,” I said, nodding.
“Then don’t give her what she wants.”
“Don’t feed the beast, you mean?”
“Right.”
“But I need blood—”
“Of course you do. We both do. Our bodies have been forever altered by the entities within. But we don’t need human blood. You don’t need human blood. Cow and pig blood satisfy your cravings.”
“But I’m not as strong—”
“Perhaps not. Or perhaps that’s a false belief she’s given you.”
“I may not be able to go back—”
“You can, Sam. You have to. Or next time I come here...”
He didn’t have to finish. We both knew what he meant. The next time he came here, he might not see a dead cat...but a dead person.