A lot of flash for an otherwise dreary city.
I parked in the back parking lot with a smattering of other vehicles. I was early. The dinner show would start in about an hour.
The Medievaland facade is fortress-like, complete with high towers, turrets, a walkway and even a moat, which I crossed over now along the lowered drawbridge. The lowered drawbridge looked suspiciously non-functional. At the ticket window, I purchased a dinner for one, which included tonight’s tournament and a free tour of the facilities. I tried to look excited about the free tour. The girl at the ticket booth smiled at me sadly. Perhaps I had looked too excited.
Ticket in hand, I joined a handful of other guests as we were shown through a gate and into the horse stables. I didn’t know much about horses, and suspect I never would, but from what I could tell, these were particularly magnificent creatures. Each was bigger than I thought horses actually were. Yeah, I know. City boy and all that. Still, since when did they grow horses so big?
There were about ten such beasts, all different colors, although the jet-black creature at the far end seemed to hold me transfixed. I was certain he was bigger than the others. No doubt a shitload of hands high. He was watching me in return, tail swishing rhythmically, black eyes unblinking. It took a brave man—or woman—to ride that animal. After our brief stare-down, which I lost, I followed the other guests through the stable and out into the arena itself.
The floor was covered in dirt and sawdust and peanut shells. Two beams of wood ran along either side of the arena floor, where, I suspected, the knights jousted. I could think of a half-dozen other things I would rather do than ride a horse at full speed while another man pointed a spear at my chest.
The arena was larger than I’d expected. Bigger than a high school gymnasium, but not quite the size of a basketball stadium. Still, there were dozens and dozens of rows for what would undoubtedly seat hundreds of guests and tourists.
We continued through the arena, which was roped off so that we wouldn’t venture too far astray, and soon found ourselves in the gift shop and cafe, where, I calculated, we would spend more money while waiting for the show to start.
Which is exactly what I did. I spent mine on a Diet Coke served in a pewter mug. I was all too aware that drinking beer in the very same mug would have been heavenly. Except I don’t drink beer anymore—or alcohol of any type. I’m a recovering alcoholic, and some days are easier than others. Today was a hard day. Today I was wishing very earnestly that this beautiful-looking mug was filled with ale or grog or mead, or whatever the hell they called it in this place.
Easy, boy, I thought. Easy.
And so I sat there and watched the dozens of other tourists laughing and smiling and drinking, waiting for the show to start. A show that would feature a man in an iron mask.
I shook my head and drank my Diet Coke and wondered again why I had taken this case. In an hour or so, I would see why.
Boy, would I.
Chapter Four
The show was about to begin.
I was seated at a scarred table on a scarred bench. A few minutes earlier, while I had been nursing my second tankard of Diet Coke, the doors to the arena had burst open and two young men wearing colorful tights stepped out. Next, they solemnly raised their longish horns, trumpeted them a few times—just enough to give me a headache—then announced the tournament was about to begin. I might have detected an English accent or two.
I’d joined the multitudes as we passed through the door and into the dark arena. I’m not a tall guy, and soon found myself surrounded by a lot of shoulders and hair and sullen teenage kids. They split us off into various rows and aisles and somehow I ended up with a seat right smack dab in the middle of the arena, about halfway up.
Waitresses made their rounds between the tiered rows. The waitresses looked a lot like poor serving wenches. They also showed a lot of bosom, which, I was certain, was historically accurate.
Drink orders were taken and soon, another pewter mug of Diet Coke was placed before me, along with a basket of bread and a bowl of tomato bisque soup. Noticeably missing were utensils. Apparently, according to my bosomy waitress and armchair historian, those in the eleventh century didn’t use utensils.
Others seated nearby promptly used their bread to soak up the soup—or simply slurped happily from their bowls. As they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do...
Or in this case, Medievaland.
As I slurped—and not very happily—the arena lights dimmed. Drums sounded from seemingly everywhere. A spotlight turned on, shining down on a tunnel entrance. Smoke billowed from the entrance. The drums increased in tempo. Suddenly, a horse and rider burst from the smoke and into the arena, and charged along the outer edge of the open space, kicking up dirt and dust and undoubtedly horseshit.
The crowd clapped and cheered. I didn’t clap or cheer. I watched and dipped my garlic bread in the tomato bisque soup.
The horse and rider circled a few more times, whipping the crowd into a frenzy. He finally stopped in the center of the arena and hopped down from his horse. He was wearing full chainmail and a gleaming white tunic. The tunic was embroidered with something that looked like a dragon.
“Hear ye, hear ye!” he bellowed, his voice booming almost supernaturally, seemingly coming from large black boxes suspended around the arena. Certainly not period pieces. Perhaps these were devil boxes. “Dost thou knowest the time?” he asked, turning in a full circle.
“Medieval times!” shouted some in the crowd.
He nodded, pleased. “Aye, good sirs and fair maidens. Tis indeed these medieval times. But more importantly, it’s tournament time!”
As the crowd cheered, he explained further: apparently the arena was split into four color-coded quadrants. Red, blue, white and green. I was in the green quadrant and was told I should root for the green knight. My quadrant, like the other three, erupted in wild cheering. It was mob mentality at its best.
But first we would be entertained by the land’s finest performers while we ate, drank and were merry. I was rarely, if ever, merry.
While chicken and lamb and ribs were served, while tankards were refilled and cleavage spilled, a steady procession of performers took center stage. First up was a young man on a beautiful white horse. Arabian, I assumed, since the kid was dressed like Aladdin, complete with a jeweled turban and puffy pantaloons. He and his horse performed a mesmerizing series of impressive tricks, which involved a lot of bowing and prancing.
More drinks were served. Plates were cleared.
I nursed my Diet Coke and continued scanning the arena, looking for anything out of place—until I realized the whole damn place was out of place.