My eye caught the large leather-bound book set atop the wooden coffee table in front of me. The book contained the chronicles of The Shade. A lot of it was written journal entries—mostly Derek’s. It was a peek into his mind, into the internal torment raging within him over the things he saw, and the things he had to do. I could still remember how terrified he was when he first revealed its contents to me.
“Do you remember what’s written in there?” Derek finally broke the silence that accompanied us since we left the penthouse and headed for the lighthouse.
“Of course.” I nodded before shifting my gaze toward him. I was surprised to find him unbuttoning his navy blue shirt, pulling it away from his body, before tossing it onto the floor. He gave me a sharp narrow-eyed glare.
Embarrassing as it was to admit to myself, it took effort to shift my eyes away from his chiseled torso and up to his face.
“How can you still look at me that way after knowing about everything I did?”
I swallowed hard. “You’re not the same person. Not anymore.”
“Why are you so sure of that?”
I was getting tired of the interrogation. “Where is this coming from, Derek? What happened?”
He took deliberate strides toward me and pushed me onto my back on the couch. My heart skipped a beat. What’s going on?
“Derek?”
He climbed on top of me, his hands creeping up beneath my dress and over my thighs.
“Do you have any idea the kind of self-control I need to have to not suck your blood whenever we make love?” His hands were now on my waist, his thumb brushing over my navel.
“Yes… I know… I’ve seen you struggle not to…”
“No…” he said through gritted teeth. “You don’t know. You won’t ever understand… not unless you become a vampire like me.”
My heartbeat doubled. “Get off me, Derek,” I demanded, firmly placing a palm over his bare chest and trying to push him away from me.
Instead of getting off me, he let his entire weight fall on me, making it difficult for me to breathe. He began whispering in my ear, “You shouldn’t trust me, Sofia. I can lose my mind and break you any time.” His hands were still beneath my dress.
In my mind’s eye, I could see my beautiful sandcastle being hit by its first wave and the despair I felt caused a lump to form in my throat. I then felt another emotion take hold of me. Anger. I could play this game right along with him. If he thinks I’m just going to lie here and tremble, he has another thing coming. It was a struggle to squeeze my hands between us, but I managed to and began unbuttoning his jeans.
“Well, I do trust you, Derek. Deal with it, because really…what can you do about it?”
“Break your trust.”
“Then go ahead,” I challenged him. “Do it.”
I knew I was gaining ground over him when I felt him suck in a breath. His hands tightened over my waist.
“How do you intend to do that, Derek? Break my trust? You’re going to force yourself on me?” I unzipped his jeans. “Feed on me? What?”
“Sofia...”
I gasped when he jolted upward, pulling me like a rag doll in the air and setting me on his lap as he sat up and leaned back on the couch. His breaths were coming in pants, his hands still enveloping my waist. He was struggling to look me in the eye. I, on the other hand, kept a firm glare right at him.
“You’re driving me crazy. What’s wrong with you?” His jaw was tense, his words coming in between deep breaths, his hands moving from my waist down to my thighs.
If it weren’t for the intensity of expression on his handsome face, I would’ve thought he was joking, but he wasn’t. He was dead serious.
“You do realize that becoming a vampire is the only way we could ever be together…”
“And what is all this, Derek? Your way of convincing me?” My hands were laid over his broad shoulders. My blood was boiling inside me, anger still the predominant emotion I had toward him as my jaw tightened.
“You would be able to fight back if you were a vampire. You would be stronger.”
I scoffed at this notion. “Really? Against you? Please…vampire or not, you can still easily overpower me. Rip my heart out. Break me like a twig.”
“That’s what my father did to one of his slaves…broke her neck like a twig. Right in front of me. He didn’t even blink an eye.” The torn expression on his face moved me.
“Do you know what he told me after?” His gaze was still distant, his eyes refusing to meet mine. “He blames me for what he has become. He told me that it was me who made him this way.”
“Your father may be many things, Derek, but he certainly doesn’t have the right to play the part of a victim.” I grabbed both his hands and began pulling them away from my body. “Get your hands off me.”
He obliged and laid his palms on the couch. Part of me wanted to get off his lap and position myself on the far end of the couch—away from him, but I needed to see his face and look into his eyes. It frustrated me that he still refused to look at me.
“Let me turn you.” His statement was half a command, half a request.
“No.”
“If you want to be with me, why won’t you agree to this? If you still think that someone like me is capable of good, then why not become like me?”
I leaned my forehead against his as I weighed my words carefully, trying to understand my own trail of thought even as I responded to his question. “Because I’m not as strong as you are, Derek. If I had to go through everything you’ve had to go through, I don’t think I’d be able to take it. It would destroy me.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I can’t risk losing myself that way.” I gazed at his face, wishing he would just look at me. He didn’t. He kept his eyes on a distant area behind my left shoulder. Annoyed, I grabbed his jaw and made him face me. “Look at me,” I hissed, my grip over his chin tightening.
When his eyes settled on me, the sorrow behind them rendered me speechless.
“I’m looking,” he stated, a muscle in his cheek twitching as he fought to keep his gaze upon me.
I kissed him on the lips. Gentle. Soft. Caressing. “I’m useless to you as a vampire, Derek. This is what we have right now. It may be temporary, but it’s beautiful. Can we not just relish it while it’s ours?”
“I don’t want to lose you.”