She laid a soft kiss on my forehead. “Ssssh, my love, I know. I know. And that is a choice you can make, my love, and it will lead to the consequence that you feel is the easiest.” She met my eyes and I nodded, feeling relief go through my chest. “But life is not easy, my darling, and easy won’t always make you happy. Especially someone with a spirit as strong as you.”
I shook my head. “Mom, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I will support you with whatever choice you make,” she replied, brushing a tear away from my cheek. “You don’t have to pretend to be anyone. At least, anyone you don’t want to.” She gave me a small smile. “But I want you to fight, my love. You have such a strong future and there is so much more you can achieve. You can fight this, Amy, and you will enjoy your life.”
“But I can’t beat this.” Another tear slipped down my cheek. “You know that. Nothing has changed from when you were around. They still can’t cure it.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m not promising you anything, Amy. So many things depend on your choices and the choices of the people around you. But no matter what, I will support you, and the outcome will be something you’ve worked for, one way or another.”
I turned this over in my head. She seemed to know my thoughts before I was thinking them. She knew me as if she spent my whole life beside me, like she had spent her life raising me and letting me know her values and traditions. And looking deep into her eyes, I felt like I knew her too, like I could see into her soul. I knew her well. I could see how it would have been; whether she was waiting in the kitchen with cookies or whether she was telling me about how to deal with boys. I was as comfortable beside her as with my father, which was strange, because I hadn’t actually known her my whole life. But she was my mother, and she always would be.
“What about Dad?” I asked. “I’m sure you want to see Dad.”
She nodded. “Of course. When the time is right, I would love to. I’m sure he has much to share with me.”
“But, don’t you know it all already?”
She winked at me. “Listening to it in his own words would be a treat. But tell him when the time is right, Amy. All of this, I’m not sure he’s ready for. You’ve had a year to process it all, and it’s still strange for you, isn’t it? Imagine how your father would feel as you explain to him all of this at once.”
“Maybe you’ll be a good introduction to this wacky world,” I replied.
She shrugged. “When he’s ready, Amy. Now, is there anything you want to ask me?”
Questions and comments slammed into each other. I completely forgot that Sarah was there at all. She had remained completely quiet the whole time, playing on her phone and giving me the space I needed to be with my mother.
I must have asked her everything I had ever wanted, and still had burning thoughts in my mind. I felt like I had regressed to a four year old, curious about everything. And she told me everything I wanted to know: about love, about life, about how to deal with the disease when it got bad. She understood exactly how I was feeling, and told me what helped to motivate her onwards. But when it came to the topic of Liam specifically, I clammed up.
“I just don’t know where we are. I’m pretty sure we are over, that’s for sure.”
“Nothing in life is certain, Amy,” she replied. “I learned that early one. And I went through the same thing with your father?”
“You did?” That dropped my jaw.
I always had it in my head that Mom and Dad were this perfect love story in a perfect world. She had even told me about their first date, about their wedding, everything. It had never occurred to me that they went through relationship problems.
“Of course. We were so young, Amy, not that much older than you are. He was just starting chef school, and I was working in the local store, nothing glamorous. But it was my first job, and everything was new and exciting to me, I had just moved into my first apartment, and I was newly independent. The only thing old and not necessarily exciting in my life was your father. I loved him, Amy, I did, but I was young and blinded by the difference of the situation. And there was a cute manager at work too.” She winked at me and my mind flashed to Drago. I wasn’t in love with him, or anything close to it, but my friendship with him lately had grown, especially in the hours he spent listening to me rant about Liam and whatever situation had angered me that day. Spending time with him was exactly as she put it, new and exciting. Liam wasn’t old and boring, but I was used to him; I had taken him for granted.
“So what did you do?” I asked.
“We went out on a date.”
This confused me and I furrowed my brow. “But hadn’t you already been out on several dates?”
“Sure. But not in a while. Things had become routine, easy. And remember?”
“Nothing in life is easy,” I repeated her advice.
She nodded. “That’s right. So things had become routine, he’d come over, we’d have dinner, sometimes he would stay, sometimes he would leave. And we got into a rut and got into a fight and we broke up. And then, one day, we agreed to ‘talk.’ We went out on a proper date, got dressed up for each other, he brought me flowers. At first, it had seemed silly. We had been going out for 3 years. But as we sat across the table from each other, over a candlelit dinner, and talked, really talked, and held hands as we walked down the street, I began to fall back in love with him.”
I turned this idea over in my mind. “I’m not sure that I’m still in love with Liam, Mom. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I’m not sure what will fix it.”
“Well, it’s worth trying,” she said. “Trust me, you might be surprised.”
I heard noises at the far end of the theater, and I was shocked to realize it was 9:30. Classes were already starting, and Sarah was looking antsy.
“Can I come back to talk later?” I asked.
She nodded. “Of course, my love.”
I turned to Sarah. “Thank you.”
As we stood up, she grinned at me.
“Well, that should make you less bitchy for the next few days,” she replied. “Say goodbye to your mom and we’ll come back later.”
“Ok.” I gave her a giant hug and it wasn’t enough to last me even two seconds apart from her, but it would have to do. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”