I swallow. “I wish you could, Mom.”
He’s just as handsome as I remember him, slightly more filled out. He’s tanned, and he looks genuinely happy to see me, so when he asks if I will just give him five minutes and hear him out, I agree.
“God,” he says. “Look at you.” He glances over his shoulder toward the kitchen, where Sharon is still sitting at the table. “Could we talk somewhere a little more . . . private?”
“Like where?”
“Your bedroom?”
“Is that really necessary?”
He pauses as though actually giving consideration to the question. “No, but I would appreciate it if we could talk privately for a few minutes.”
If he had said yes, it was necessary, I probably would’ve walked out the door right then, but I relent and we walk upstairs.
We stand there for a moment, not saying anything.
“So what did you have to tell me that you couldn’t say down there?”
He’s wearing a Ralph Lauren polo with wide stripes and khaki shorts. It’s odd to stand here and look at him and know exactly what his body looks like under those clothes, and to know that he knows exactly what my body looks like under my clothes.
“Let me take you out to dinner.” He smiles, and the smile lines around his mouth are deeper than I remember.
“I can’t, Sean. I’m heading back soon. I can’t be out too late. I appreciate you stopping by, though, and the flower, of course.”
“I know orchids are your favorite.”
Actually, they’re not, but I don’t saying anything.
“It’s more than nice to see you. Come on, let me take you out. It’s your birthday. It’s still early. There’s plenty of time.”
“Sean, I appreciate the offer, I really do. But I don’t think it’s a good idea. I’m not at the point in my life right now where I want to be involved with anyone.”
“Jill,” he says. “I have thought about you every day since we’ve been apart.”
“We’ve been broken up almost a year. There is no way I believe you’ve thought about me every day for almost a year.”
“Well, I have. I don’t see why you wouldn’t believe something like that. I’ve missed you. And I know you’ve missed me, too.” He brushes my hair back from my face. He leans closer. “I want you, Jill. I want us to get back together. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. I understand why you thought you needed to break up with me; you’ve been through a lot. It’s been a hard year for you. But us not being together has only shown me that we are supposed to be together.” His mouth is right there next to my ear. His fingertips trace the curve of my jawbone.
“You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” He kisses my throat, and his hand moves down the other side of my neck, over my collarbone, under my shirt, onto my breast. I pull back.
“Sean—stop.”
“Jill.” He exhales roughly and pulls me back to him. “It’s your birthday. Let me make you feel good on your birthday.”
“This is not why I agreed to come talk to you in my bedroom. I thought you had something important you wanted to tell me.”
“I do. My body has an important message to communicate with yours. No words required, though.”
“Jesus Christ, Sean, stop. I have to get back to the ranch. I’ve had a long day.”
“I know, I can tell. I can always tell when you’re stressed out. So just think how good you’ll feel if you let me—”
“For Christ’s sake, Sean, no. Get off of me.”
I push him off and start to stand, but he yanks on my arm.
“What the f**k is wrong with you?”
I stare at him. “Excuse me?”
“I want you, Jill. You. Do you know I could walk out there and have literally any girl of my choosing? But I want you.”
I jerk my arm from his grasp. “The only reason you want me is because I broke up with you, and you can’t stand not being in absolute control of everything all the time. And if you’re so certain you can go have whichever girl you want—go! Go out there and do that. Just leave me alone.”
A grin spreads across his face. “God, do you know how sexy you are when you get heated?” He grabs my arm again and tries to pull me onto his lap.
“Let go!”
It happens so fast I’m not exactly sure what’s going on, except suddenly I’m on the bed and he is on top of me, clawing at my shirt.
“Don’t tell me you don’t want this.” His voice is a growl in my ear, his weight crushing, pressing me down into the mattress.
I stop struggling. So this is how I’m going to spend the first birthday without Dad. This is how it’s going to go down. Sean’s hands roam the length of my body and he kisses my forehead, bites my earlobe, starts to give me a hickey on my neck. He shifts to one side, moving off of my right leg. I judge the distance and try to position myself accordingly, then I jerk my leg up, my knee smashing into his balls. He screams, maybe it’s f**k or cunt, I can’t really tell, and I push him off. I stand for a moment and watch him writhing on the floor.
“Thank you, Sean,” I say, straightening my shirt. “Getting to knee you in the balls was actually the best birthday present I could have asked for. I’m going downstairs. You have two minutes to get the f**k out of this house—and don’t even think of going in there and talking to my mom—before I call the cops and have them throw your ass in jail. Thank you for making this birthday all the more memorable.”
I speed down the 1, and consider, briefly, how easy it would be just to yank the wheel to the right and go sailing off the cliff, into oblivion. Not that I would ever do that, but it’s astonishing how easy it would be. And I also realize how easy it would be to make it look like an accident even if it wasn’t.
It’s still light out when I get back to the ranch, and I can’t bear the thought of going in and being in my tiny little cabin. It’s movie night, so the campers are all in the main lodge, so I take my shoes off and walk down to the beach, sit in the sand, and start to cry.
Sometimes it really does feel good to cry, especially when you’re alone and the sound of the waves crashing pretty much drowns out any other sound. I lift my head up from my knees and that’s when I see through blurred vision that I am not, in fact, the only person on the beach.