Looking back now, I could admit I came home for her. I wanted to see Bethy. I wanted to see if time and distance had truly ended what we once had.
They hadn’t.
“I wanted to come home,” I said, unable to tell her the full truth.
Bethy’s shoulders sagged, and she crossed her arms over her stomach protectively. “We were happy. You ruined it.”
She didn’t have to explain. I understood. When I had walked up to Jace’s door and Bethy had answered it, it was as if all those years had vanished. The girl who had shown me that love really was worth fighting for had stood there, older but more beautiful than I’d remembered. She was my girl. And she was wearing my cousin’s T-shirt, looking like she’d just crawled out of his bed.
We hadn’t spoken. We’d just stood there and looked at each other. For a moment, I’d almost expected her to jump into my arms, but then Jace had walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, grinning up at me like the happiest man on earth.
The world had fallen out from under me at that moment. Although I had known I’d lost her, it didn’t hit home until then. All these years, I’d lived with a guarded heart. I never got close to a girl. My heart had been claimed years ago. Not once had I been tempted to give it to anyone else.
“I’m sorry,” I said finally. And I was sorry. I was sorry I had come home. Because she was right. It had ruined everything she had built. I hadn’t been able to stop eating her up with my eyes, had been unable to get my fill of her. When Jace wasn’t around, I’d watched her hungrily, like my last breath depended on it. We never spoke, but words weren’t needed. I’d said enough with my eyes.
“You will always remind me of what I lost. Twice. I only lose with you, Tripp. You leave destruction in your wake. I can’t handle losing anything more.”
More than once since Jace had drowned, I wished to God it had been me. If I had been there that night, I would have saved his life. I wouldn’t have let him drown saving Bethy. I’d have beaten him to those waves. It would have been me who drowned that night. And all would have been right with the world.
Hearing Bethy tell me what I already knew, and what I already dealt with every day when I opened my eyes, made it impossible to breathe. I wasn’t worth the air I breathed. Knowing that the woman I’d love until the day I died believed the same thing made life seem pointless.
Which was why I would continue to keep her safe. I had to make this life mean something. This life I didn’t deserve. Keeping Bethy safe didn’t just mean something, it meant everything.
She didn’t wait for me to respond. She turned and walked back across the street, then climbed into her car. I waited until she was on the road and headed home before I pulled out onto the road and followed her.
Bethy
I stood behind my curtains and stared across the street at Tripp. He was sitting on his bike with his eyes fixed on my window. Normally, he left when I turned out the light at night. Once he was gone, I’d turn it back on. Tonight he wasn’t leaving. I had turned off the light an hour ago, and he was still sitting there, watching my window.
I had been numb for so long that ignoring him hadn’t been difficult. But lately, it was getting to me. The numbness I had embraced was slowly fading away, and long-buried emotions were finding their way to the surface, past my shield.
There had been a time when I was angry at the world, but I thought I’d moved on from that part of the mourning process. I had cried out all my tears. When the numbness came, I held it close. I wanted that. I needed it in order to continue living. The guilt and pain were tearing me apart.
Woods hadn’t been able to look at me because of the role I had played in Jace’s death, and I’d held on to that. He hated me still. He knew it was my fault. I clung to that. I needed to be hated. I didn’t need pity. I didn’t deserve pity. I should be hated. I wanted to be hated. Woods gave me that.
Everyone else worried about me. I didn’t want them to worry about me. They all saw what had happened. They all should hate me. But they didn’t. I stayed away from them, because the pity was too much. It wasn’t me they should worry about. I wasn’t worth their worry. I wasn’t worth their sympathy.
Then there was Tripp. As much as I wanted him to, he wouldn’t leave. He wouldn’t go away.
He no longer tried to speak to me. He had stopped that a long time ago. But he was always there in my damn rearview mirror, following me. Standing off in the shadows, watching me like some insane protector. I didn’t need protection. Especially not his.
I pulled my wrap tighter around me and sat down on my sofa in the dark. This was my only refuge. My apartment. A place Jace had never been before. There were no memories of happier times here. Except that Tripp invaded this world each night by sitting out there, watching me.
After he’d ruined me, I’d used my body to find happiness. I’d told myself I was looking for someone else, but I’d really been trying to wash him from my memories. So I’d partied. And I’d slept with guys. I’d become someone completely different from the girl he’d left behind.
Each time I closed my eyes and gave my body to another guy, I hoped I would forget Tripp.
But I never did.
He was always there in the back of my mind. The sweet, gentle way he’d held me our first time, even as he reminded me that there was more out there. Then I would remember how much it hurt to lose that.
Jace had come along, and I’d wanted him simply because he looked so much like Tripp. He reminded me of him, too. He wasn’t like the others. At first, he used me for sex, but he kept coming back. He made me smile, and he said sweet things.
When I had decided to stand up for myself and stop giving my body away to whatever wealthy hot guy hit on me, Jace had made a move, and just like Cinderella, I’d finally found love with my prince.
I had been so scared to love Jace, but he’d made it hard not to. I’d been older than when I’d met Tripp, and I’d told myself that it had been different with him because that had been a young love. I’d fallen deeper and more intensely because I’d been young. I had lived in a fairy tale.
What I’d had with Jace was real. I’d held on to that, and for a brief time, I’d been happy. Then Tripp had come back to Rosemary Beach, and one look at him, and my heart had slammed against my chest. All that intensity I had told myself was a young girl’s fascination had swamped me, overwhelming me immediately. I hated that he brought that out in me.