Gabe stared at me for a few minutes, his shoulders slumped. He nodded slowly.
And then he walked away.
He walked away.
And a part of me hated him for it. Because for once in my life I understood what it meant to be at a crossroads where someone either chooses you or them.
He didn’t choose me.
I was alone.
Just how I started.
Only now, I realized how lonely I actually was.
I wiped away a few more stray tears and got into my car. Rain started pounding against the windshield as I drove toward campus.
My life wasn’t over.
So why did it feel like it?
Chapter Thirty-Six
Sometimes by holding onto what you love the most — you end up choking the very life from the thing you want to keep on living. It’s possible to try too hard, to love something so deeply that you lose yourself. The danger is never in loving someone — but losing your identity in the process. Because what happens when tragedy strikes? You’re left an empty shell. You’re left with nothing. It’s why I tried to end things. Why I didn’t want to go on living — because I’d been living through her, not with her, and I had forgotten how to be myself. How to be normal. The only problem was — I was okay with it. —Gabe H.
Saylor
I took I5 and kept driving.
When I pulled up to the small subdivision in Mill Creek. I turned off my car and stared at my mom’s apartment.
Once we’d lived in a nice neighborhood, but because rent always went up over the years we moved around a lot.
Luckily, she was a nurse, so she had a good job, but still… We’d never had a ton of money, so we didn’t have a large home, just a different apartment every few years.
I grabbed my purse and slowly took the stairs to the third floor, two at a time, then let myself in the apartment. Everything was pristine. Clean. Beautiful. I hadn’t been back since Christmas, and even then I’d only slept there. I spent most my time on campus practicing.
“Say?” Eric walked down the hall, his smile wide. “Is that you?”
“Yeah.” My lower lip quivered. “It’s me.”
He was fifteen now, tall enough to be almost at eye level. His wide-set blue eyes looked me up and down. They were slanted just slightly, making his smile even warmer as he grinned.
And then he opened his arms. Just like that, I ran to them and started bawling.
“Shhh, Say, it will be okay. I promise. I promise, Say.” He rubbed my back and rocked me back and forth. “I’m sorry you’re sad.”
I didn’t trust my words, so I only nodded and clung to my brother like he was my lifeline. He was wearing a Seahawks sweatshirt and smelled like he’d just taken a shower.
“Mom’s home soon.” He released me and gave me one of those silly grins. “I’ve been cooking more.”
“Really?” I wiped my eyes.
He nodded. “Food makes things better.”
With a laugh I croaked, “Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?”
“Sit,” he commanded, in his soft voice. “I’ll make you eat, Saylor.”
“Eric?”
He turned around, his eyes smiling just as much as his actual mouth. “What?”
“I’m glad I’m here.”
He shrugged and started pulling food out of the fridge.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
If only alcohol actually made you forget. Instead, I figured it would do nothing more than remind me of everything I wanted to bury far, far, away —Gabe H.
Gabe
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled as we all piled into Wes’s Porsche and made our way back to campus. “For ruining everything.”
Kiersten cleared her throat. “Well, at least it’s a birthday Lisa won’t forget.”
Wes chuckled. “How’s that for optimism?”
“She hates me.” I banged my head against the window, “How the hell am I supposed to deal with both my dad and making sure Saylor knows that—”
I stopped talking.
Wes cleared his throat. “That…”
Lisa squeezed my hand encouragingly.
“That—” My throat constricted. “Holy shit, I can’t even say it out loud! No wonder she hates me.”
“You…” Lisa said slowly.
“Love.” Wes added.
“Her!” Kiersten smirked at me through the rearview mirror.
“I’m not two.” I pressed my fingers against my temples. “Does anyone have any ideas? Wes? You know how I usually tell you to stop being such a wise ass?”
“Yup.”
“I need you to forget I said that.”
“Nope.”
I groaned again.
Wes pulled into his usual spot in front of the dorm complex. “Look, Gabe, I can’t fix this for you. None of us can. And trying to figure it all out tonight is going to do nothing but stress you out more. The only thing I will say is… your time’s up.”
“No shit,” I spat, wanting to hit something with my fist.
“Gabe.” Wes unbuckled his seatbelt and turned around. “It’s time. You’re done being Gabe. You were never him to begin with. You’ve always been Ashton — a name doesn’t change someone no matter how hard you want it to. Your identity is found in your heart. Not your job, not your status, your name, what your major is, how much money you have. Your heart has been the same the entire time. So, be who you’ve always been.”
“So pick one?” I shook my head confused.
“No.” Wes offered a sad smile. “Fuse them.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Sometimes you have to simplify in order to process. Eating an omelet while listening to my brother talk about football? Free therapy. —Saylor
Saylor
Eric fixed me the best omelet of my life then patted my hand and started jabbering on and on about football and all the different plays. From there, conversation quickly fell to the Seahawks.
“Russell Wilson.” Eric sighed dreamily then pointed a fork in my direction. “He’s better than Tom Brady.”
My mom chose that moment to open the door. She was in her pink nurse scrubs and looked like she’d had a bit of a rough day.
“Eric, how dare you say something against my Patriots!” She grinned and put her hands on her hips. “And what are you doing up so late, young man?”
Eric pointed at me.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Saylor!” She wrapped me in a giant hug and kissed my forehead. And just like that I was a little kid again, wanting my mom to fix things. Wanting a hug and a chocolate chip cookie with milk. “Is everything okay?”