His gaze played over me for several heartbeats as a smile teased the corners of his mouth. “Good.” The car pulled out of the parking lot, roaring at a fast speed. “I hope to catch those butterflies, every last one, and then I’m going to set them free again and again… until you can’t take it anymore and even then… I’m going to chase, I’m going to catch, I’m going to release, and then I’ll repeat the process.”
“You’re talking in circles,” I mumbled, the butterflies going more wild by the minute.
“Sleep, Ames.”
“Okay.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Axton
THREE HOURS WHERE I did nothing but attempt to drive in straight lines while sneaking glances at her peaceful face.
Three hours where I thought about her question.
Three hours where I tried to make up a lie that would shield her from the ugly truth.
Three hours and I finally decided that I’d done enough lying — she needed to know everything. Before we hit Chicago, she needed the truth, it was the least I could do. I’d give her money, find her a place to live, make sure she finished school. Hell if she wanted one of my cars I’d toss her the keys, but she needed to know what I was driving her back to.
Sometimes I wondered what I was driving back to.
The Cosa Nostra wasn’t what it used to be. I knew that meant that the older generations were probably ready to start an all out war — I knew as well as Tex or Nixon that you can’t just force people to change even if you do wave a gun in front of their faces. And the Sicilians? They hated change.
“Damn it.” I ran my fingers through my hair and tugged nervously, I still had a few more days to prepare her. Thoughts ran wild through my head. Should I teach her to shoot? Should I give her a gun? Should I put security detail on her for the rest of her life? Should I even allow myself to be a part of her existence knowing full well I could wake up dead one morning in a pool of my own blood? Then again, I wouldn’t really be waking up dead---I’d just be---dead.
“Ax?” Amy mumbled.
“Yeah sweetheart.” My voice was gruff, stressed, totally and ridiculously turned on at the same time because her voice sounded sleepy, relaxed, and so damn tempting it was taking all the restraint I had in my body not to pull over.
She yawned and turned to face me, tucking her feet underneath her. “What did you do? What caused your dad to own you?”
I sighed, licking my lips so I had time to think about how I was going to answer her. “Not really a bed time type of story, Ames.”
“Not really bed time, Ax.”
I let out a hearty chuckle. “Touché.”
“So?”
“So…” I exhaled slowly, the air whistling by my lips. “He said he needed me to check on one of my cousins. He was scared something had happened to him because he lost contact. Joey was my favorite cousin, so I didn’t even think about it, I just went. I had no idea what I was walking into.”
“What happened?”
“It was a meeting.” I sighed, clenching the steering wheel tighter. “And not the good kind.”
“Meetings are never good.” Amy yawned scooted closer, pulling her feet tighter underneath her. “So what happened?”
I didn’t want to go there, but if telling her helped her understand just a fraction of what I had dealt with while trying to shield her from the truth… then I’d re-live one of the worst moments of my life.
“Here’s the thing…” I croaked out. “When you grow up in a family like mine, you hear about killing so much that it rarely affects you anymore. At least that’s what you think.” I tapped the steering wheel nervously with my fingers. “You assume that just because your family’s badass, that you’re badass too. I grew up learning how to fight with the best of them, how to shoot, how to use a knife. I knew how to protect others, I knew how to defend my family, but nobody prepared me for that moment when you watch someone you love… die.”
Amy was silent.
“Joey was around my age, set to prove himself to my father. He had one goal. Become a made man at the age of eighteen. He was insane to think it was possible… but unfortunately he’d heard about how Nixon, the boss of the family, had basically been running the Family while his own father sat in the background. A mere kid had basically taken over one of the most powerful names in the US. Rumors spread like wildfire that a new cleansing was coming, a new generation of guys with no souls, willing to kill their own parents, their own freaking grandparents to take control. They were just rumors, rumors spread in order to keep the younger generation from following Nixon and the rest of his friends. But they did nothing, they lit a fire under everyone’s ass, made people paranoid, made Joey think he was ready for something I don’t think he was ever capable of being ready for.”
“Are you?” Amy whispered. “Ready, I mean?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Though I wish I wasn’t. I wish that my life didn’t consist of body counts and blood.”
“Was he already dead?”
“No,” I choked out. “He was at the meeting, but his plan was to double cross my own father — The De Lange family promised to push him through the ranks, to give him power, everything he’d always wanted. All he had to do… was kill me.”
“What?” Amy’s feet fell to the ground as she leaned forward and touched my arm. “What do you mean?”
“It was a set up. The whole damn thing. My father had people on both sides, knew that Joey was turning into a rat, knew that the De Langes wanted me because I just so happened to be, what? Sixth in line to take over the family? So, naturally, my father sent me in… knowing full well I’d have to kill in order to survive. That’s the thing about the mafia — feelings are never part of it, family or no family. My father was testing me — he was giving me a choice. Either die… or follow in his footsteps. My biggest mistake was not wanting to be selfish enough to live.” I stole a glance at Amy. “But being selfish enough to live for you.”
Tears pooled in her eyes.
I couldn’t look at her any longer. I stared at the road, clenching the steering wheel tighter. “I killed him. One gunshot to the head. I killed my favorite cousin so I could live, so I could see you one more day. I sold my soul to the devil so I could wake up to your smile and I never forgave the De Lange family — your family and mine, for putting me in such an impossible position.”