“What would he say to you?” he asked, abruptly changing the subject and she faltered.
“What?” she blinked, not following.
“Webster. What would he say to you?”
“Why do you want to know?”
And why did he want to know? Not only was it none of his business but she couldn’t imagine he’d care.
“Just tell me,” he demanded.
“I don’t want to, I don’t like thinking about it.”
To her further shock, his hands came up, both of them. Gently resting on either side of her jaw, he held her face and Julia’s body went still.
Douglas rarely touched her, he rarely touched anyone, and he’d certainly never touched her like this.
“Tell me.” His voice was now cajoling, his face close. She couldn’t keep up with him, the ominous Douglas, the gentle Douglas, the fierce Douglas, the coaxing Douglas, when it always used to be just… Douglas.
God, her head was spinning with it.
She took a shaky breath and then another one to calm down.
Maybe if she explained, he’d trust her. Maybe he’d finish this idiot game and they could live in some kind of détente, he would leave her alone and they could simply raise the children. Maybe if he understood her and her bond with Gavin a little bit (even though she doubted he had a like bond with anyone), he’d give her the benefit of the doubt. And maybe, if she told him, he’d move away from her so she could think straight, get control of her emotions and her body, which were both betraying her. Her stomach was warm and melty and that feeling was travelling relentlessly south.
“It was crazy, he was insane,” she said on a quiet rush. “I couldn’t do anything right. He didn’t like the way I dressed, he didn’t like how I styled my hair. I ate too much, talked too much or said stupid things. We’d have a dinner party and he’d yell at me about how I prepared the dessert. I’d go to the grocery store and I didn’t buy the right kind of coffee even though it was the coffee he’d always liked. I don’t know, it was everything and it was nothing.” His thumbs were now gently stroking her jaw, she felt his touch vibrantly and she bit her lip to try not to react to it. “It doesn’t matter now,” she whispered. “It was a long time ago.”
“He was a fool,” Douglas murmured and his words caused the melty feeling to radiate throughout her entire body.
“He was a lot of things,” Julia agreed, her voice shaky. “Now could you –?”
“How did you feel?” he interrupted her. “About the accident?”
“I…” Now that she knew he was behind it, what could she say? It scared her that he was capable of it but she’d accepted it from Gavin, even though she never really knew for sure. He was only doing the same for his own sister. But understanding he was capable of that type of violence, violence he inflicted on behalf of his sister, it drew her and repelled her at the same time.
“I was beyond caring at that point,” she lied. She wasn’t beyond caring then and she wasn’t beyond caring now.
She had felt a guilty satisfaction that Sean had a modicum of pain, that maybe someone somewhere had wanted to hurt him and did. As much as she knew it was wrong, she also knew that something had long since died in her, something Sean killed, a hope for a life of love and happiness spent with a wonderful man. Because of that, Julia felt somewhere, in the deepest, darkest regions of her heart, that Sean deserved it.
One thumb moved from her jaw, to slide gently across her bottom lip, in doing so making her lip tingle. Douglas’s face was completely illuminated by the moon and she watched as his eyes followed his movement and she trembled, a delicious feeling she could not control moving through her body as her thoughts ravaged her mind.
“And now?” he asked, sounding like he very much cared about her answer.
“Now?” Julia whispered.
“Yes. Now. How do you feel?”
“You mean, now that I know you did it?” she inquired, her teeth bit her bottom lip again to stop it from trembling and she accidentally nipped his thumb. She just stopped herself from apologising but he ignored it except his eyes moved back to her mouth, his gaze directed there making both her lips tingle.
With his hands holding her face, she couldn’t look away and he didn’t answer her question.
“You wasted your energy. Sean wasn’t worth it,” she replied, trying to make her tone hard to change the mood.
Although her words were true, how she really felt was floored. Mostly because he was so nonchalant about it, being responsible for another person’s misfortune. But also the depth of feeling such an act showed that he had for his sister, she didn’t know Douglas had that depth of feeling in him for anyone.
“Julia.” His tone held a gentle warning that said he didn’t believe her.
She closed her eyes and licked her lips, pressing them together. Then, for reasons unknown to her, she whispered her darkest secret, “He wasn’t worth it but he deserved it.”
Douglas’s only response was to tighten his hands on her jaw and she felt somehow that response, however slight, was significant.
“And have you recovered from his behaviour?” His soft words caused her eyes to flutter open.
She stared at him, wondering what this was all about and tiring of true confessions.
Enough, she thought, really was enough.
“Why do you want to know this?” she asked, her voice sounding slightly curt.
“Just answer me.”
“No. Okay? No,” she snapped, tore her head away from his hands and leaned away from him, arching her back against the desk to do so. “I haven’t recovered. You don’t recover from something like that. I learned my lesson. I’m better off without him, without anyone,” she admitted with rancour.
“I see. This is why you didn’t remarry.”
“Yes,” Julia replied, exposing bitterness deep in that one word. “This”, how he put it, was why she didn’t do anything since Sean, no boyfriends, no lovers, no nothing. Sean had worked hard to teach her a lesson about men and added to that was her father’s betrayal of her mother. Between the two of them, she learned that lesson well. There were very few Gavin Fairfaxes in the world, indeed, only one and he’d been her brother and now he was gone.
Again, they were in territory that was none of his business and it was decidedly ticking… her… off.
“If you must know, and apparently you do, yes,” she informed him. “I won’t remarry and if by some miracle I do, it will be to a pudgy, short, bald man who worships the ground I walk on and doesn’t mind cleaning the bathroom.”