“And that’s a bad thing?” he returned.
“Do we have to go through this again?”
“I don’t know, do we?”
“She bailed,” I declared, and Ben’s brows drew together.
“Come again?”
“Ma. She bailed,” I told him. “Repeatedly. On Dad. On her other husbands. Boyfriends. It wasn’t the same, but it was in a prolonged way, a very prolonged way, bailin’ on her kids.”
“Keep goin’,” he urged.
“Same with Dad. Women in, women out.”
“And?”
“No connections. No roots. Nothin’ to drag them down.”
“I’m tryin’, honey, but I’m not followin’.”
“That’s what I learned. That’s how I was raised. That’s what I know.”
“Fuck,” he whispered, getting it.
“Yeah,” I replied.
He put it out there verbally, “So that’s why you’re kickin’ your own ass, thinkin’ before he was killed of givin’ up on Vinnie.”
“I didn’t want to be like them.”
“And you think you’ll do the same to me?”
I shook my head but said, “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“You need to reason that out, honey.”
I didn’t know what he meant, so I asked, “What?”
“First, your folks, they were shit parents. I know they’re yours, babe, but evidence suggests they’re straight-up shit human beings.”
“Ben—” I started, but he was not done and he talked over me.
“Heard from your ma or your dad since you got out of the hospital?”
“Well, Ma phoned to ask me to her wedding.”
His mouth got tight but he still managed to say, “Classic.”
“It’s who she is,” I informed him.
“Yeah, and the f**k of it is, you got no choice but to accept that. You can cut her out or you can take her as she comes. She was my ma, she’d have seen the back of me a long f**kin’ time ago. What does that say about you, Frankie?”
His words penetrated, they did it deep, and I went completely still.
Ben, eyes on me, hands on me, caught it.
That was why he said, “Right.”
“Oh my God,” I whispered, something fluttering in my chest.
“Right,” he repeated. “Nat f**ks up, she comes to you. Your ma gets hitched a-fuckin’-gain, she invites you to the wedding. Heard from Enzo Junior?”
“He calls. Not often, but regularly,” I said quietly.
Benny nodded once, shortly. “Yeah, pours his shit on you. His life’s a f**kin’ mess, but you do not tell him to sort his shit out. You do not tell your mother she shit all over you growin’ up and you don’t wanna watch her marry another schmuck whose heart she’s gonna crush. You don’t do any of that shit ’cause you’re Frankie. You stick.”
All he was saying struck so deep, I had to lift my hands and curl them around his wrists to stay steady.
But Ben didn’t stop talking.
“You know, babe, it is not okay for a woman to live thirty-four years without one person in her life givin’ a shit. I was workin’ through my shit with Vinnie, seein’ as I had no choice; the man’s dead and I gotta let it go. But heard that and got pissed at him all over again.”
“He knew I could take care of myself. It was respect, him giving that to me,” I explained.
“Bullshit,” Ben bit out. “I get you get that I can take care of myself. I know how to drive a car so I can get places safe. Someone gets in my space, I can handle the situation. But it still would feel good you showed you were happy I got home safe, even if I went to the f**kin’ grocery store. You do that no matter it’s dick or pu**y, if you care about somebody. That said, a man has a woman, he sees to that woman. He doesn’t leave her to see to herself. It’s not disrespect to do that. It’s disrespect the other way around.”
I stopped breathing.
Ben kept going.
“Pissed at your parents for doin’ that to you. Pissed at Vinnie for doin’ that to you. Contrary to that, I’m glad I got to give it to you, because you gettin’ it now means you’ll appreciate it. It also means I don’t have to put up with your shit when I do what I gotta do to look after you.”
That thing in my chest stopped fluttering.
“You’ve got a good roll going here, honey, don’t f**k it up,” I warned.
“Impossible,” he shot back instantly. “You’re into me. You’re Frankie. I could treat you like shit and you’d stand by me. But lucky for you, I have zero intention of doin’ that.”
That flutter came back and it wasn’t a flutter anymore.
It was shaking me to the core from the inside.
I held on to his wrists and stared into his eyes and knew in that instant exactly why I was falling so fast for Benny Bianchi.
Because he had zero intention of treating me like shit and every intention of caring about me.
“See I scored with that,” he said softly, staring right back at me.
“Big time,” I replied softly too.
“You’re worried about hurting me,” he kept talking softly. “Doin’ the shit you grew up watchin’ your parents do.”
I nodded uncertainly. “I think so.”
“So, in order to protect me, you instigated a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
I just kept nodding.
He lifted his hands and mine went with them, even as he cupped my jaw and bent close so his face was all I could see.
“Baby, let that shit go.” His fingers dug in. “It’s not in you.”
“What if it is?” My voice sounded tortured.
“How could that be?” he asked gently.
“It’s who I am.”
“If it was, think about it, Francesca, when would you have left Vinnie?”
I didn’t answer, just held on to his wrists at my jaw and stared in his eyes, knowing it would have been early.
After the franchise idea crashed and burned, possibly.
After the sandwich shop tanked, probably.
The minute he started things up with Sal.
Definitely.
“You got it good. You got someone who looks after you; you got someone who gives a shit. Livin’ the way you lived, losin’ shit you didn’t even know you should have, do you ever think you’d leave?” he pushed.
“No,” I breathed.