“Why?”
“Because I can’t.”
“You can do better,” I growl and narrow my eyes.
“I am not what you need or want.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise and then let out a laugh. “Have you been hanging out with me lately, Nic? ’Cause I beg to differ.”
“I need to be in control. I don’t have a rich family to fall back on if this bakery doesn’t work out. I don’t have people around me to pick up the pieces if my health fails.”
“You could.”
She stops cold and stares at me, her mouth opening and closing, and then she just gets even angrier. “Oh, so now you’re proposing? What the fuck?”
“Nic, I need you to be very specific here. Are you saying you don’t feel anything for me?” Because if she is, she’s a motherfucking liar.
“I feel too fucking much!” she explodes. “I feel everything! And I’m not talking about the palm of your hand on my ass!”
“So you don’t want a kinky relationship? Is that what has you running? I felt your hesitation when I tied your hands last night.”
“No!” She drops down into her chair and hangs her head in her hands in defeat. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“I’m so lost, I don’t know what the fuck is happening, Nic. Work with me here.”
“I can’t give you a family, Matt. Ever.”
I frown and watch her as she raises her defeated eyes to mine. “I don’t understand.”
“I told you about my health issues.”
I nod, still trying to connect the dots.
“I can’t have babies.”
“Diabetics have healthy babies every day, Nicole.”
She shakes her head and laughs humorlessly. “I also have the PCOS.”
“The reason you’re on the pill.” I nod, remembering.
“I don’t need the pill for birth control, Matt. The PCOS is my birth control. With that combined with the diabetes, a pregnancy is not a good idea for me. If I happened to get pregnant by some miracle, the pregnancy would be high-risk and difficult.”
“Okay.” I shrug. “What does this have to do with us?”
“Have you not been listening?” She looks at me like I’m an idiot, and I scowl back at her.
“You can’t have children. Although, I think there might be ways around that, with as far as medical science has come, but even if that’s true, why can’t we be together?”
“Because I can’t give you what you deserve!”
“What I deserve?” My blood is heating now. “What, exactly, do you think I deserve, Nicole?”
“A nice, submissive woman who can give you lots of babies and live happily ever after,” she whispers, not meeting my gaze.
I sit in the chair opposite her and stare at her for a long minute.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No.” She shakes her head and clasps her hands together. “I love you enough to let you go and to find that person who can give you those things.”
“You know what, Nic? No one likes a fucking martyr.”
Her gaze whips up in shock. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Who the fuck are you to decide what I need and want?”
She stands to get in my face. “Well, isn’t that just fucking hypocritical?”
I stand and clench my fists at my sides, glaring at her, trying to ignore the gaping hole in my chest where my heart once was.
“I’ve always been one thousand percent honest with you, Nic. While you’ve only shared what was convenient or I ripped out of you. I told you from the beginning, trust is imperative in this relationship.”
I advance on her, not touching her, and push my face within inches of hers. “It’s my fucking job to keep you safe, and knowing what you need and want is a part of that. I’m in love with you. You need time to get your head on straight? Fine. I’ll leave you alone for now, but I’m telling you right now, you are mine. Nothing will ever change that.”
“I’m saying red,” she whispers.
I stare at her in shock for several seconds without blinking.
“You said at the club that all I have to say is ‘red,’ and it all stops.”
She’s using a fucking safe word?
I pull her against me and kiss the breath out of her, putting all the anger and frustration I’m feeling into this kiss, then I pull away and brush my thumbs down her cheeks, wiping her tears away.
“I don’t know how you got it in your head that you can’t give me what I deserve when I’m looking at everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. You are what I need and deserve, Nicole. When you figure out that your medical issues are a fucking excuse to push me away, you come find me. In the meantime, you’re right. ‘Red’ is a term I understand perfectly.”
With that I turn away and walk out of her apartment without looking back.
***
I drive straight to the hospital. I need to see Natalie, and not worry about my own issues for a while.
Everything that Nic said in her apartment is rolling around in my head in a big, fucked-up, jumbled mess.
Jesus, how did we get here?
I walk into Natalie’s room with a bouquet of flowers that I spent way too much money on in the gift shop.
“Hey.” She grins and holds her arms open for a hug, which I happily oblige.
“Hey, sweet girl. How are you feeling?”
“Better today,” she replies.
“She passed the stone during the night,” Luke says as he shakes my hand. “We’ll be heading home tomorrow.”
“Thank goodness.” Nat sighs. “I miss my baby girl.”
“Don’t worry about Liv, just worry about you,” Luke instructs her and then laughs when Nat sticks her tongue out at him.
“She always was a handful,” I remark with a smirk. “I’m happy to see things haven’t changed.”
“Why did you come here? Just to be mean to me?” she asks and narrows her eyes on me.
“I came to check on you.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
“You look pouty.” She smirks.
“I do not.” I scowl and reach out to pull on a strand of her long dark hair. “I don’t pout.”
“You totally pout. Did Nic smack you around this morning?”
You have no idea.
“I’m not pouting.”