Zane blinked, pulled out of his thoughts. He glanced to Ty and shrugged. “Somewhere … unpredictable. Queens, maybe,” he mused. “Or Chinatown.”
Ty nodded and sipped at his orange juice. “Good idea,” he responded, unable to think of anything further to say to the man.
When Ty went quiet again, Zane fell back into thought, trying to focus on his memories about the case, pushing aside his worries. He wasn’t having much success, though, especially with the seeming party in the bar across the room. He winced when a raucous group clanged bottles together.
God, he didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be back at Ty’s apartment, curled up and warm like early this morning.
Ty sat and watched without emotion. He sighed and looked down at his watch, knee bouncing restlessly. “You can still step away from this case,”
he said to Zane softly.
Zane raised his eyes to meet Ty’s. “The case isn’t the problem. I’m the problem,” he murmured, shifting to set his elbows on his knees.
“You’re my problem,” Ty reminded.
“Your problem?” Zane asked, frowning a little.
“If you can’t get your shit together, then you’re my problem,” Ty clarified. “We established before this isn’t a job that can be done alone.”
Zane’s face went still and he sat up, averting his eyes toward the windows. “I’ll have it together,” he said gruffly. It wouldn’t be pretty inside, but he’d deal with that when he came to it.
“What are you so afraid of?” Ty asked suddenly.
Dark eyes going bleak, Zane didn’t know if he could explain the answer to himself, much less to Ty. “I….” He pressed his lips together and tried humor. “Afraid of embarrassing myself?”
“I don’t buy that,” Ty replied after a moment of thought. He cocked his head and looked Zane over carefully. “What is it? Dying? Being alone?
Dying alone?” he ventured sarcastically. “At least those are legitimate things to be afraid of,” he added before Zane could answer.
“I’m not afraid of dying,” Zane murmured. It was the complete opposite, actually. He was afraid that it would be someone else doing the dying. Wasn’t that just all sticky and sentimental, he thought darkly, sending his mood even further down.
“Come on, Garrett,” Ty murmured as he leaned closer. “If we can f**k each other senseless, we can be honest with each other.”
Zane’s eyes shifted sideways to meet Ty’s and they shifted away just as quickly. When he spoke, it was a bare whisper. “You remember when I said I didn’t give a shit about anybody for five years? And how that had changed?”
“Yeah?” Ty answered questioningly. At the time, he had thought Zane had been referring to the wife he’d lost, but now in this new context he had a sinking feeling that he had been wrong.
A sad smile twisted Zane’s lips. “Becky was killed five years ago,” he mentioned, seemingly offhand.
“That was your wife,” Ty said carefully, getting a little more confused.
“Yes. I never thought I’d care about anyone after her,” Zane answered quietly. “We’d been married almost ten years. It was like half of me was suddenly gone. I can’t explain it any other way.”
Ty nodded slowly, sliding his plastic bottle top on the table restlessly.
“Go on,” he invited.
Christ. Zane felt like an idiot. “I didn’t care about anybody, even myself. And when I did….” Zane’s jaw clenched, and he kept his eyes focused on the window. Anything but on the man sitting across from him. “I let him walk away.”
Without even really realizing it, Ty had produced the tin of pills in his hand as Zane spoke. He tapped the hollow tin almost angrily. “So, this is you,” he said with a rap, “pining over someone you let get away.”
Zane glanced over at the table in surprise, seeing the small tin. He looked up at Ty in shock and realized that Ty either hadn’t caught the meaning of his words or simply didn’t apply them to himself. Although he felt relieved, he also felt worse than before. He stared at the tin. “You shouldn’t have brought those here.” Avoid the question. Avoid the question. Forget about the question, Ty. You don’t want to know the answer.
Ty merely looked at him blankly. “Figured if you kept this up, I might need them,” he finally snapped.
“Goddamnit,” Zane hissed, hand flashing out to scoop up the tin. “It’s you, you ass**le,” he said.
“What’s me?” Ty demanded defensively. “Give those back,” he added with a hiss and a motion of his hand.
Zane leaned over and grabbed the front of Ty’s shirt, yanking him forward. “You are the one who walked away,” he growled before shaking him slightly and pushing him back into the chair.
Ty’s chair rocked precariously before righting itself again, but Ty never seemed to notice as he stared at Zane with shocked hazel eyes. “What?”
he asked stupidly, his voice hoarse and slightly higher than normal.
“Fuck,” Zane muttered, getting to his feet and pocketing the tin. “I need a drink.” He stalked off toward the bar. What a f**ked-up situation.
“Garrett,” Ty barked after him.
Zane stopped dead in his tracks just four steps away, his body jerking itself to a halt in response to Ty’s commanding voice. He slowly straightened his shoulders and turned his chin to indicate he was listening.
“You don’t need a drink,” Ty said to him in slow, measured words.
Inhaling sharply, Zane held his breath for a long moment as he closed his eyes and dropped his head. His hands slowly rose to burrow into the pockets of the leather jacket, and he just stood there. So, what now? Go forward? Go back? He wished again for the oblivion of too much alcohol—
but Ty’s words echoed through him, and he stayed in place.
“Let me have those pills,” Ty requested after a moment of tense silence.
Zane turned automatically, walked back, and held out the tin, looking everywhere but at Ty. Ty took it, eyes on Zane and piercing through him. He slipped the tin into a pocket inside his canvas jacket and then shifted in his chair. With a long sigh he closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“So, you’re saying … what?” he murmured finally with a wave of his hand. “You’re in love with me?”
“No,” Zane was quick to insist. “I’m saying that I figured out I cared about what happened to you and then let you walk away,” he answered stubbornly. He had no idea about loving Ty. The whole concept scared the absolute shit out of him, and he simply refused to even consider the possibility. He could care about his partner, though, right? No harm in that.