I always thought I was aiming for the best possible kind of life, the one my parents told me I should strive to achieve, but now I know I deserve better than the neat plans I made so carefully; I deserve that trip in my bloodstream that I felt watching our film up on the auditorium screen; I deserve laughter and adventure and the rush of uncertainty that comes from living without a schedule.
I start suddenly as a body collapses beside me on the sand. Tash passes me an open box of Krispy Kremes, oozing custard and calories.
“For breakfast?” I exclaim, my pulse still beating a giddy dance from those revelations.
“Uh-huh,” she mumbles through a mouthful of icing. I stop myself from making another nutrition-related comment and fill my mouth with soft fried dough instead. It turns out to be a far more pleasurable option.
“So what are we up to today?” Tash asks, yawning.
“I don’t know,” I muse, stretching all the tension and worry free from my muscles. The beach around us is filling up as the college kids prepare for another taxing day of tanning, the breeze scented with sunscreen and ocean tang. “I was thinking some lounging, a little more relaxing . . .”
“Perfect,” Tash agrees. “And remember, we’ve got wireless Internet in the hotel room if you feel like running over and sending Ryan an email.”
I laugh at her tenacity. “Will you ever quit?”
“Umm, no.” She gives me a wry grin. “This is what friends do.”
“Well . . .” I stretch my lips into a slow smile. “Perhaps I will just write a quick message before we hit the pool.”
Tash squeals and grabs me. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.” I giggle, and to my relief, the decision really does feel final.
“I knew it!” she exclaims. “I knew you’d break sometime. And I hadn’t even started with the movie marathon or the guilt trip about opportunity.”
“Gee, thanks!” I elbow her. “I didn’t realize this was an intervention.”
“Only ’cause you needed it.” Tash pushes back. “And anyway, you have to come. What would I do all summer without you?”
“Go clubbing with Morgan and Lexi?” I tease.
“Ew no!” She grimaces. “They’re toxic. Oh, wow, we’re going to have the best time.”
“We will,” I agree happily, reaching for another doughnut.
“And Ryan’s going to be pleased . . .” She looks at me sideways. I laugh.
“This isn’t about Ryan!”
“I know, it’s about identity and autonomy, blah blah.” She waves my protest away. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t have your cake and kiss your boy too.”
I pause for a second, reveling in the lightness in my chest. I have no idea whether Ryan will want to get back together with me or how my parents are going to react when I tell them what I’ve decided, but I don’t feel as if I have a single problem in the world. “I’m going to have everything,” I say slowly, like a promise to myself.
“Don’t you mean we are?”
“Absolutely.”
And we lie there in the sun together until all the doughnuts are gone.