He’s looking at me hopefully, brown eyes wide. But I can’t lie to him.
“What happened, with the newspaper and Tyler . . .” I try to explain. “It was a long time ago, and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to think . . .”
But Will’s face has shut down again, and I can see the hurt, so clear.
“Think what, Tasha, that you were some kind of fame-hungry whore?”
I freeze.
“Or maybe you didn’t want me to know you were leading me on, just using me.”
“This wasn’t about you!” I cry, but he won’t listen.
“God, when I think what a fool I’ve been . . .”
“Please, Will —”
“You must think I’m so pathetic not to even date me.” His eyes are like ice. “I mean, you’re happy to f**k anyone else who comes around!”
I gasp. This isn’t Will — this is some kind of stranger. I don’t know this guy.
He goes to leave, but then turns back for a moment, and when he speaks, every word is dripping with contempt. “You know, I’m glad we never got together. Who knows what I would have caught?”
I stumble back against the wall as he disappears out into the club. I can’t move. I can barely even breathe. My reflection is just a daze of skin and hair and teeth, and, god, I can still hear that last shot.
Who knows what I would have caught.
I lurch into a free cubicle and fall onto my knees, but there’s nothing but dry heaves. I’m shivering, alone, and nothing matters because this is how it’s always going to be. Every guy, every time.
It hurts too much to stay there thinking, so I stumble out and back up to the bar. A cute boy with stubble appears to take my order like he can read my mind, and within ten seconds I have a vodka in front of me. And another. The burn makes me shudder after so long, but then it brings a numbness down my body and I know I’m on the right track. Screw my pledge, screw changing, screw Will. I may as well enjoy what they think I already am.
I find Holly on the tiny dance floor with the crew girls and quickly get into the beat. All I care about is escaping the sharp pain lodged inside my chest, but the drinks and the heavy bass aren’t working. I can still feel it. I can still hear Will’s voice. I dance harder, throwing my body around as if I’m just a few steps away from numb oblivion, but still I know deep down it won’t work.
Then I feel a touch against my arm. I turn, half hoping it’s Will, come back to apologize and make things right, but it’s only a blond boy, hair ruffled in the way they do here; dark shirt; jeans. I swallow back my disappointment and turn away, but he’s dancing closer, moving his body to try and match my beat. I let him. He’s looking at me with interest, attraction, and maybe if I focus on that, I’ll forget the way Will’s eyes were so cold.
His arms reach around my waist, and now I’m pressed against him, my dance moves grinding my hips into him. His body is hot, and I wonder if it could melt away this ice. Face against my cheek, lips breathing by my neck. I feel myself responding without a thought.
It’s been so long since I’ve been touched like this.
When he tugs me off the dance floor, I don’t resist. I’m dizzy but still sober enough to follow him into the dark corner, through a door. My back is pressed up against a wall, and his lips are on mine before I realize I’m back in the bathroom, just inches away from where Will destroyed me.
I close my eyes. Hands on my waist, my hips, my ass. He’s pressing into me, hard, inching my skirt up with one hand on my bare thigh, the other pawing at my chest.
I don’t feel a thing.
Bending his head, he begins to kiss and lick at my neck. I stay, motionless, blinking back the tears in my eyes. I catch sight of us in the mirrors: dirty graffiti, dim lights, and my own blank face. It’s empty, hopeless.
And then I snap.
“No.” I push him back. He reels, surprised, but comes right back in, hands on me again. “I said no!” I shove at him, harder, and wrench myself away.
“What the f**k?” He narrows his eyes, breathing heavy.
“I’m done,” I tell him, a weird calm settling over me. This won’t make anything go away. I’ll just hate myself in the morning.
“Don’t tease.” He crinkles his eyes up in what I’m guessing he figures is a smile, reaching out to stroke my cheek. I slap his hand away. His eyes darken. “Come on, stop playing. I know you’re up for it.”
“Changed my mind,” I say coolly, making to push past him, but the boy grabs my arm.
“No way, you’re that girl, the one from the video.” He’s still trying to be charming. “You were hot.”
“Thanks,” I say, but he doesn’t get the sarcasm.
“So, how about it — wanna make a sequel?”
And that’s when I get it, taking in his drunk eyes and slurred voice. Tyler was different from this; I actually wanted to be with him, for him. He was cute and charming and kissed like a dream, and maybe he wasn’t worth the cost I’m doomed to keep paying, but at least I hooked up with him out of real desire and not this angry ache to make the world go away.
So I go.
“Bitch.”
I’ve already turned to go when he swears, and I don’t bother with a reply, striding out of that place with way more dignity than I had going in. I find Holly and let her know I’m leaving early, grab my coat, and head back to Raleigh. It’s damp and windy on the dark street, but I don’t feel the cold. Something major just happened, and I need to think it through.
I’m worth more than this.
The boy, the drinks, the way I just gave up and figured I should be the girl they think I am — it’s all beneath me, and I don’t think I got it until now. With cold splatters of rain spiking my face, I finally figure it out. Fooling around with Tyler wasn’t wrong or bad, no matter what everyone tries to make me feel, but if I let their dumb preconceptions rule my life, then I’m acting like they’re right.
It won’t ever go away, but I can get past it. I am past it. Sure, there are people like Carrie who can’t deal with the fact I wanted to be there — to make out with a guy I wanted, to fool around because it felt damn good, not because I’m brainwashed or damaged — but that’s their problem, not my fault. Will still cuts me and it hurts, but now the pain is dulled with disappointment because I know that the guy I thought was so great is just weak. Holly stood by me, Emily propped me up even though the girl’s never met me, but the one person I figured knew me better than anyone now couldn’t take it. He bailed.