“Aren't they the same things?”
He laughed softly. “No.”
“Well, how do I come to terms with it?”
“That, my dear child, you will have to learn on your own. One day, you will wake up and everything will suddenly make sense to you—the path you must take, the road you’ve been down, all the questions you ask yourself about why—it will all make sense, and then, and only then, does it mean you have come to terms with what is in your heart, and essentially, what you, deep down inside, are.”
“What I am? What do you mean by that?”
He looked out at the ocean. “I mean that…you perceive yourself as this confused little girl, who thinks she knows what's right but doesn’t trust herself. You also believe every impure thought you have—perhaps thoughts for another man—make you a bad person, somehow. But you’re not. You are, for all intents and purposes, human. And you make human mistakes and feel human emotions. You berate yourself far too harshly for what you feel, Amara, and that will, in the end, be your undoing.”
“My undoing?”
“Emotionally. You cannot rule if you are not strong, in here.” He tapped his chest. “And you cannot be strong if you do not love yourself—or at the very least, understand yourself.”
I nodded. “That’s the problem. I can't understand how I could feel anything for Jason at all. I can't understand how I can love anyone else but David. He…” I looked ahead, closing my eyes for a second. “Even though he’s gone, he should still be the only one I ever love.”
“Amara, don't be so harsh on yourself. You cannot expect to be alone for the rest of your days.”
“I know. But what about when he was alive?” I said. “I loved Jason then, Arthur, and I can't forgive myself for that.”
“Did David ever know how you felt about his brother?”
“He asked me a few times—but we always got interrupted and just never continued the conversation.”
“What do you think he would say now—if he were to find out?”
I went a little stiff. “I'm not sure. I think he’d hate me.”
Arthur nodded.
“Really?” I looked at him. “You’re nodding. So, you agree?”
“Unfortunately, my dear, I can't honestly answer that. You see, David spoke to me shortly after he first saw you. And we had many conversations preceding that, where I learned two things. One; David had lost faith in the world. He believed there was no good left in anyone—not vampires and not humans. The other thing I learned was that, through reading the minds of humans for a hundred years, David had a bitter hatred for their kind. Until you came along. He saw in you a pure soul; he said all your thoughts were battles between right and wrong and he had never met a girl so innocent, so undamaged by the world, that he instantly fell for you.”
“Undamaged?” I scoffed. “Arthur, I have to be just about the most damaged girl in the world.”
He laughed. “Yes, but he meant that you were not tainted by the world’s ways. You weren’t mean, harsh—you thought of others before yourself.”
“I did?” I rubbed my hairline. “Boy, did he have me figured all wrong.”
“No, my dear, he did not. He was right. Sometimes you look past other people, too busy worrying about how not to hurt them, that you do just that. I know what you are, and David fell in love with what you are. He told me he learned more about compassion and kindness in a week with you than he did in an entire century from the human race.” The sun made his nose look longer as he looked at the ocean again. “He loved you fiercely, my dear, and it was because you are a good, pure soul.”
“Which is exactly why he’d hate me so much if he realised that I'm not.”
“By loving another?” Arthur frowned. “You think you’re impure because your heart wanted his brother?”
“Yes.”
“Did you have his brother? Did you cheat on David?”
“No. I mean, I don't really know. I held hands with Jason and I know I kissed him, but—”
“But this was in your dreams.”
“Mind-links.”
“Or maybe they were merely dreams, Amara. You don't actually know, do you?”
I shook my head slowly. “I guess not.”
“And, if Jason were here right now, alive, would you be with him?”
“Um, no. Not if David were alive as well.”
“Why?”
“Because I love David. I'd never want to hurt him like that.”
“Precisely.”
“So, what are you saying? What's your point?”
“My point is…David would hate you for doing the wrong thing, Ara. He would likely be immensely angered to learn you had feelings for Jason, but unless you acted on those, I doubt he could ever bring himself to hate you.”
I shook my head. “Even then, it doesn't make having feelings for Jason right.”
“No, but you are not declaring that you didn't love David by facing the truth that you love Jason.”
“Yeah, I guess not.” I laughed, moving my toes to make patterns in the sand under them. “But…I still lose sleep over it.”
“Well, if ever you find yourself unable to sleep, come to my chamber,” Arthur said. “I have some herbal remedies that assist with relaxing the mind of a vampire.”
“Do you have one that makes the heart stop feeling anything?”
“No. And you do not need such things.”
“Hmpf!”
“Amara—” He turned my face to look at him. “You're a young girl, nineteen, to be exact. You are still learning the inner workings of your heart. Most girls your age have had many boys in their life at this point to learn from, but you, my dear, have had one.”
“No, two,” I corrected.
“Ah, of course.” He drew a breath through his teeth. “Mike. But, Amara, falling for, having feelings for, and even acting on those feelings for boys, does not mean you are bad or promiscuous—it simply means you are young.”
“So, are you saying I shouldn’t have gotten married—that I can never be monogamous in my heart because I'm young?”
“No.” He tilted his head. “Simply that if your heart wants, don't hate yourself for it. A wise young girl once told me that the heart lives by its own set of rules.”
He smiled; I smiled back.
“Unfortunately,” he continued, “the world has created its own rules about how love should be, too. That doesn’t mean it’s natural. Queen Lilith, for example, had four husbands—”