I looked at him, then at the door. “Can we go check it out?”
He smiled, pressing the panel back in place. “Not today. You need sleep, and I want to make sure it’s safe before you go wandering around down there. This passage may not even lead to that room. I only suspected it because you said you heard noises coming up from the wall.”
“I told you that?”
“Well, okay, no, you thought it, but, the point still stands. I’d just really like to be there to explore it with you. Will you wait for me?”
“Why can't we go now?”
“Because—” He looked at his watch. “You have to be up for queen duties in two hours, and I’ve got to go into town today.”
“What for?”
“Shopping.” He grinned. “I didn't bother packing any clothes when I left Rome, so I've been borrowing Eric’s, but he’s a bit bigger in the waist than I am.” He lifted his shirt and showed the gap between his golden V of muscles and the waistband of his jeans. “I need some new clothes.”
“Clearly.”
“Want anything from town while I'm there?”
My eyes went wide. “A block of chocolate!”
“Okay. If you promise to wait for me before you go down that tunnel, I’ll bring you a month’s supply.”
“Okay. I promise.”
He leaned in and lowered his face to meet me eye-to-eye, then held out his little finger. “Pinkie promise?”
I looped mine over his. “Pinkie promise.”
“Good. Now.” He kissed my head. “Get some sleep. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Okay,” I said, folding my arms, watching him open my bedroom door. “Night, Jase.”
“Night, Ara.”
As the door closed, the loneliness of my room swallowed me up again. All around my head, overtiredness mixed with confusion, and I felt a tear on my cheek. I swiped it away and looked down at my hand—at the clear patch of skin where my ring should be.
Since speaking to Arthur last night, I’d not had a chance to digest what he told me, because I couldn’t think of it while Jason was around. But, alone, in my room, finally with time to think, I didn't want to.
I waltzed over and sat by my dresser mirror, my eyes tracing lines over the face of the girl there. When she looked back at me these days, I saw only myself—not the mask, not the confusion or the troubled eyes of the lost soul—just me. What I felt for David, what I felt for Jason and even Mike was all clear in my head now. And it was okay. I loved Jason, though I had to keep that secret for the rest of forever. I loved David, but couldn't be with him yet. And I loved Mike as a friend. Clear.
But being clear about how I felt meant one other thing confused me more; what to do about this dagger and Arthur.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and texted, Arthur, I don't need to think about it anymore. I can't lose him. Meet me tonight?
He didn't reply.
I tapped my heel, drumming my fingers on my knee while I waited. But there was nothing. I sent another; Arthur. Did you get my message?
A reply came through immediately; My dear, you haven’t thought this through. Get some sleep. We’ll talk about it in a few weeks.
No! I sent back. I need to do this before I chicken out and run away to another state. I'm scared, Arthur, and we’re running out of time. It could take a month or more before we’ll even know if I'm pregnant.
I crawled into bed and hugged my pillow, tugging a corner of my blanket over my knees, when my phone bleeped with another message.
Have you done a test to make sure you’re not already pregnant?
Yes, I wrote. It was negative.
The clock across the room ticked, and I focused so intently on it that the minute hand moved over three or four numbers, my heart remaining steady the whole time, until another message came through; Ok.
What does ‘Ok’ mean?
Tonight, he wrote.
I swallowed, blinking away the hot, stinging tears, then wrote back ‘Ok’ and deleted the messages before turning off my phone.
Chapter Nineteen
We were just two shadows in the darkness of the training hall; no one passing would see us here, and no one was close enough to hear what we were about to do—how I was about to betray my husband to save his life.
Last night, being so close to Jason on the lighthouse rooftop, then spending all day away from him, made me realise that I may have admitted I loved him, but had in no way come to terms with it, and in that, wasn't ready to let him die for me—or for my people. However, I knew if it was a choice between Jason and David, I’d let Jason go, but while I had a choice—while Arthur was here, right in front of me, ready to give his life up, I’d let him.
He took my hand and drew me closer, sliding his cool touch down my spine and back up again, lifting my dress, taking it over my head. I watched it fall to the floor in the dark, tucking my elbows into my bare chest—not quite ready to let him see.
“You’re so tiny. Such a fragile little thing.” He cupped his hand to the side of my face, gently moving my wrists away from my chest. “Don't be scared, Amara. I won't hurt you.”
“I'm not scared,” I whispered in a shaky breath. “It’s just…it just feels so wrong.”
“I know.” He slid his fingers down my face, over my neck and cupped my hips. “Let’s just do this quickly, okay. Lay down.”
My knees trembled until I felt the ground beneath them—felt the aged blood and sweat these floorboards had soaked up since this whole thing began. And Arthur lowered himself, too, kneeling before me, making the hairs along my neck prickle under his smooth touch. He traced every inch of my spine, slowly wrapping me up in his arms; I felt small but safe, cradled into his chest.
“You smell like strawberries,” he said, kissing my neck; his lips were so warm, so wet and so foreign, his breath hot down the curve of my tight shoulder—his teeth grazing the flesh above my artery. And it felt nice, but wrong; this was Arthur—not David, not even Jason; he was my husband’s uncle—a man I looked up to. A man I cared about, but never wanted to be with this way. I closed my eyes, praying for strength.
“It’s time,” he whispered in my ear, and though my stomach was tight and my body so stiff I could hardly swallow, I managed to roll myself back, restraining my tears, focusing on the chill of the cold ground under my tailbone, up each vertebra in my spine and across my shoulders.
As I lay flat, the world around me felt wider, larger, like there was suddenly more space, or like the roof I’d seen a thousand times before, laying right here, usually pinned by a knight, seemed to sit miles up in the sky.