Whatever my subconscious reasons, I had still been pissed by his attempt at casual. I had found it extremely insulting that he could call me after months. After everything we had been through together and ask me how I was doing! If he had been within smacking distance I would have done just that. My rage switch had been flipped and the only thing I wanted to do was hurt him. To wound him as deeply as he had wounded me.
Clay had always made me act irrationally.
So I had been bitchy and dismissive. And after I had hung up the phone I felt horrible all over again. I spent the rest of the night beating myself up for not trying to have a conversation with him. I had missed out on the opportunity to talk to him, to see how he was doing. How many times had I moaned about the fact that I just wanted to know he was okay?
But in those five minutes we had been on the phone, my pride had gotten the better of me and I had ruined my chance to restart a dialogue. To try and repair some of what had been broken.
It was too late now, though. Because I was damn sure Clay wouldn’t bother calling me again. I mean why would he?
I was such a jerk.
“My mom called me a few minutes ago and told me I got my early admission letter from the University of Virginia. It was thick,” Jake was saying. I pulled myself out of my Clay obsession. Okay, I needed to come up with a friendly and supportive response here. But I was feeling anything but friendly or supportive. Maggie “bitch face” Young was out to play and I didn’t see her taking a nap anytime soon.
“That’s great, Jake,” I said, cringing at how fake I sounded. Jake didn’t seem to notice anything off about me. He just smiled and nodded. His good mood was sort of infectious. And I found myself smiling a bit more naturally this time.
“Have you heard back from JMU yet?” he asked me as I finished up my stretching. I had applied to James Madison University for early admission and then a handful of other in state colleges as backup. JMU had a great track team and I was really hoping to get a sport scholarship.
But I hadn’t heard back from them yet and I wouldn’t be getting news from the other schools until sometime in April. I knew I should be a bit more anxious about the whole thing. But I just couldn’t summon up the energy to care. Sure I played the part with my parents, engaging in endless discussions about SATs and campus tours. But the truth was my enthusiasm was sorely lacking. It didn’t change the fact that I had a big decision to make in a few months.
It was just hard to talk about a future without the one thing I wanted most.
“Not yet,” I said shortly, looking over my shoulder at Coach Kline, who was starting to round up the track team for a quick pow-wow before practice. “I’ve gotta go, Jake. Otherwise, Coach will make me run laps.” I pulled my hair up into a pony tail and straightened my track pants.
Jake nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got to get into the weight room. But before I go…” his voice trailed off and he seemed suddenly interested in his shoes. I looked at him impatiently.
“What is it, Jake? Seriously I’ve got to get going,” I said sharply. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I didn’t have time for his nervous rambling.
Jake sighed heavily. “Damn, Maggie, you really know how to cut a guy’s balls off.” He laughed uncomfortably. I chuckled but started to tap my foot, letting him know his time was running short.
“Okay, shit, I guess I’ll just spit it out. You wanna go out this weekend?” Jake asked in a rush. His question was like a punch to the gut. Crap! Crap, crap! I should have seen this coming. I had taken his patient understanding for granted it seemed. I knew he liked me, I had just really hoped I wouldn’t be put in the position to have to turn him down. I liked Jake. A lot. I just wasn’t prepared to like him as anything more than a friend.
Jake instantly took my silence as a rejection and the look of hurt on his face made me feel horrible. “It’s okay, Maggie. I get it. I just wish…never mind.” He ran his hand over his short red hair.
“You just wish what, Jake?” I asked, trying not to be irritated with him for putting us both in the awkward situation we found ourselves in. But I was mostly irritated with myself. Maybe I had been leading him on. Being too flirty. Yeah, this was probably my fault. Crap, crap, crap!
“You need to get over that guy, Maggie. It’s been months. He’s not coming back. But you’re acting like he’s the only one out there. I mean, even if you don’t want to date me, you shouldn’t rule out every other guy who isn’t Clay Fucking Reed!” Jake said in frustration and I clenched my teeth. Okay, so now he was pissing me off.
“Wow, thanks for your support. Glad to know what you really think of me. Sorry if I’m not moving on at a pace that is agreeable to you. Look, I’ve got to go. I don’t have time for this.” I started to turn away but Jake grabbed my arm, stopping me.
I snatched my arm back and glared at him. Jake grimaced and dropped his hand. “Damn it Maggie, I’m not trying to be a dick here. I just want to see you happy. It’s time to let yourself. Fuck it, never mind. Forget I said anything. See you around.” Jake hefted his gym bag up onto his shoulder and started toward the school.
I don’t know what made me do it but I yelled out, “Fine Jake! I’ll go out with you.” What was I saying? I felt possessed by the impulse to prove him wrong. To show him and everyone else that I wasn’t going to spend my life moping over a boy who had thrown me away. It was humiliating and I was sick and tired of being the pathetic girl who had been dumped by her crazy boyfriend.
Jake shook his head. “Forget it, Maggie. I don’t want you going because you feel bad for me or something. I just thought we could go out and have a good time, that’s all.” I closed the distance between us and put my hand on his arm.
“No, really Jake, I’d like to go. You’re right. I’m done with the sad girl act. But you’d better plan something good,” I warned good-naturedly, smiling. Jake smiled back at me.
“You got it, Mags.” And then he leaned down and kissed my cheek, his lips lingering on my skin. I flushed and backed away, not sure how I felt about all of this. “I’ll call you tonight, okay?” Jake called out as I headed back to the track.
I only nodded and waved goodbye. I couldn’t let myself think about what I had just agreed to and what that meant for me. I threw myself into track practice. I was running the 1600 and 3200 meter this year. After flaking out so much during cross country this year, I was determined to show Coach Kline that I really did kick ass.