When the waitress came to take our order I pointed to the only word I recognized. Steak Tartar. Theo looked surprised by my selection.
“You like Steak Tartar?” he asked. I waved my hand indifferently.
“I love it,” I responded as though it was something I ate all the time.
“Wow, you’re hardcore, Viv,” he said and I wondered what the hell I had just ordered.
We sipped on our wine and smiled at each other with a strained stretching of lips.
“So, tell me about yourself,” Theo said.
“That’s a pretty general question, Theo,” I teased, drinking my wine a little faster.
Why was I feeling so lightheaded all of a sudden? I was by no means a cheap drunk. And I should definitely not be feeling the effects of wine after one glass.
But I stupidly decided to pour myself another glass.
“Well, how about your family? Tell me what growing up as Vivian Baily was like,” Theo prompted, eating some of the hors d’oeuvres he had ordered. Something called Assiette de Fruits et Fondue de Brie, which was only fruit and baked cheese with crackers. Sounded a lot fancier than it actually was.
“Not much to tell, really. I had a very stereotypical childhood. My parents are great. My mom is a veterinarian and my dad is a lawyer. I have an older sister, Sarah, who is physical therapist and an older brother who is a counselor. I get along really well with my siblings and my parents love me. Not much else to say,” I answered blandly. I was bored. Really, really bored. And my head was becoming cloudier by the minute.
Which made keeping my eyes open really difficult. Particularly with all of this riveting conversation.
I drank the rest of my glass of wine and began to pour myself another but my hand knocked over the bottle. Wine spilled all over the crisp, white table linens and dripped onto Theo’s lap.
He jumped to his feet and started to pat the wet spot on his crotch. I snickered and pointed at his pants.
“It looks like you pissed yourself,” I slurred.
Oh shit, what was wrong with me?
“Are you okay? How much have you had to drink?” Theo asked, frowning.
I held up two fingers. “Two glasshes,” I slurred, propping my head on my hand and poking at the Brie on my plate as our waitress came rushing over to mop up the spilled wine.
“That’s it?” Theo asked, as if he didn’t believe me.
I nodded, my head slumping.
“Did you take anything before you left the apartment?” Theo asked, shaking my arm to keep me awake.
I opened my mouth but no words came out. My tongue felt thick. Had I taken anything before I left the house?
Oh yeah. I had taken the antihistamine. And then I’d had wine. Probably not a good combination.
“I took an antihista. . .an antihistamer. . . .an antihissic. . .” I couldn’t get the word out correctly.
“An antihistamine?” Theo prompted and I tried to put a finger on my nose.
“That’s it! You get ten points!” I said loudly.
“Shit. You need to eat something and drink some water. And you definitely need to stop drinking this.” Theo swapped my wine for a glass of water.
“Hey! I wanted that!” I pouted.
Theo scooped some fruit onto my plate. “Eat. You’ll feel better once you have something on your stomach,” he suggested.
And I did as I was told. “Mmm, this is so good,” I moaned, closing my eyes as I swallowed the melon and cheese.
Theo cleared his throat and moved around in his seat.
“I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out with you,” I said, proving that antihistamines and alcohol took away all of my filter.
Theo cocked his head to the side and smiled, clearly amused by me. “Oh really?” he asked.
I licked some cheese from my fingers before grabbing some more. This shit was good!
“Yeah. Because there’s this guy I’ve been f**king for a while. The sex is unbelievable. And he’s gorgeous too. The things he does with his tongue, oh god. And his cock,” I held up my hands, indicating the size of Cole’s well-endowed penis.
“He’s hung like a horse. I’m not even kidding,” I informed my date, who seemed less and less amused by my dinner talk.
I took a drink of water to wash down the crackers. “And I think I love him. Like a lot. But he’s an ass**le. And he’s with other girls way too much. And I just couldn’t put up with that anymore. But you’re nothing like him. You’re sweet. And even though I haven’t seen your Mr. Winky, I’m sure it’s nice enough.”
I gave him a sloppy grin and I barely registered the fact that Theo was most definitely not smiling anymore.
Our waitress showed up and put our dinners in front of us. I stared down at the pink blob of meat on my plate and started to feel faintly nauseous.
“You really should try to eat something,” Theo said shortly, digging into his own dinner and purposefully not looking at me.
I poked the meat with my fork. “What is it?” I asked, sort of scared by the pile of gross in front of me.
Theo raised his eyebrows. “It’s Steak Tartar. It’s what you ordered. I thought you had eaten it before.”
I shook my head. “I have no idea what this shit is.”
“Well, you’re in for a surprise then. Because it’s essentially raw hamburger,” he informed me as he turned back to his more appetizing meal.
“Raw hamburger?” I squeaked.
Theo’s face softened. “Just try it. Some people really like it,” he suggested.
I picked up my fork and jabbed it into the mess on my plate. I put a small piece in my mouth and my throat instantly seized in revolt. My body did not want me ingesting this vile thing served as food.
Oh no, I was going to be sick.
“I have to go to the bathroom!” I jumped to my feet and hurried as fast as I could to the women’s room, where I lost the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
I sagged to my knees and laid my forehead on the toilet bowl. Now that everything was out of my belly, including the alcohol, the fuzz in my head receded slightly. I was still shaky, but I wasn’t feeling so out of it.
I flushed the toilet and went to the sink to rinse my mouth. This was officially the worst date in the history of worst dates.
Christ! Had I really told Theo about the size of Cole’s penis?
What was wrong with me? Was I trying to make him hate me?
There was a knock on the door and Theo’s voice was heard on the other side.
“Are you all right, Vivian?” he asked, concerned.