I’ve been watching them for a couple years now, so there’s not much I need to know about fitting in. I bet I know the city better than they do, at this point. It’s going to be difficult to send my updates—someone might notice that I’m connecting to a distant server instead of an intra-city server, so my entries will probably come less often, if at all. It will be hard to separate myself from everything I know, but maybe it will be good. Maybe it will be a fresh start.
I could really use one of those.
It’s a lot to take in, but I find myself rereading the sentence: The only problem is that at my Choosing Ceremony next year I’ll have to join Erudite, because that’s where the killer is. I don’t know what killer she’s referring to—Jeanine Matthews’s predecessor, maybe?—but more confusing even than that is that she didn’t join Erudite.
What happened to make her join Abnegation instead?
The alarms stop, and my ears feel muffled in their absence. The others trickle out slowly, but Tobias lingers for a moment, tapping his fingers against his leg. I don’t speak to him—I’m not sure I want to hear what he has to say right now, when we’re both on edge.
But all he says is, “Can I kiss you?”
“Yes,” I say, relieved.
He bends down and touches my cheek, then kisses me softly.
Well, he knows how to improve my mood, at least.
“I didn’t think about Marcus. I should have,” I say.
He shrugs. “It’s over now.”
I know it’s not over. It’s never over with Marcus; the wrongs he committed are too great. But I don’t press the issue.
“More journal entries?” he says.
“Yes,” I say. “Just some memories of the compound so far. But it’s getting interesting.”
“Good,” he says. “I’ll leave you with it.”
He smiles a little, but I can tell he’s still tired, still upset. I don’t try to stop him from going. In a way, it feels like we are leaving each other to our grief, his over the loss of his Divergence and whatever hopes he had for Marcus’s trial, and mine, finally, over the loss of my parents.
I tap the screen to read the next entry.
Dear David,
I raise my eyebrows. Now she’s writing to David?
Dear David,
I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen the way we planned it. I can’t do it. I know you’re just going to think I’m being a stupid teenager, but this is my life and if I’m going to be here for years, I have to do this my way. I’ll still be able to do my job from outside of Erudite. So tomorrow, at the Choosing Ceremony, Andrew and I are going to choose Abnegation together.
I hope you’re not angry. I guess even if you are, I won’t hear about it.
—Natalie
I read the entry again, and again, letting the words sink in. Andrew and I are going to choose Abnegation together.
I smile into my hand, lean my head against the window, and let the tears fall in silence.
My parents did love each other. Enough to forsake plans and factions. Enough to defy “faction before blood.” Blood before faction—no, love before faction, always.
I turn off the screen. I don’t want to read anything that will spoil this feeling: that I am adrift in calm waters.
It’s strange how, even though I should be grieving, I feel like I am actually getting back pieces of her, word by word, line by line.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
TRIS
THERE ARE ONLY a dozen more entries in the file, and they don’t tell me everything I want to know, though they do give me more questions. And instead of just containing her thoughts and impressions, they are all written to someone.
Dear David,
I thought you were more my friend than my supervisor, but I guess I was wrong.
What did you think would happen when I came in here, that I would live single and alone forever? That I wouldn’t get attached to anyone? That I wouldn’t make any of my own choices?
I left everything behind to come in here when no one else wanted to. You should be thanking me instead of accusing me of losing sight of my mission. Let’s get this straight: I’m not going to forget why I’m here just because I chose Abnegation and I’m going to get married. I deserve to have a life of my own. One that I choose, not one that you and the Bureau choose for me. You should know all about that—you should understand why this life would appeal to me after all I’ve seen and been through.
Honestly, I don’t really think you care that I didn’t choose Erudite like I was supposed to. It sounds like you’re actually just jealous. And if you want me to keep updating you, you’ll apologize for doubting me. But if you don’t, I won’t send you any more updates, and I certainly won’t leave the city to visit anymore. It’s up to you.
—Natalie
I wonder if she was right about David. The thought itches at my mind. Was he really jealous of my father? Did his jealousy fade over time? I can only see their relationship from her eyes, and I’m not sure she’s the most accurate source of information about it.
I can tell she’s getting older in the entries, her language becoming more refined as time separates her from the fringe where she once lived, her reactions becoming more moderate. She’s growing up.
I check the date on the next entry. It’s a few months later, but it’s not addressed to David the way some of the others have been. The tone is different too—not as familiar, more straightforward.
I tap the screen, flipping through the entries. It takes me ten taps to reach an entry that is addressed to David again. The date on the entry suggests that it came a full two years later.
Dear David,
I got your letter. I understand why you can’t be on the receiving end of these updates anymore, and I’ll respect your decision, but I’ll miss you.
I wish you every happiness.
—Natalie
I try to flip forward, but the journal entries are over. The last document in the file is a certificate of death. The cause of death says multiple gunshot wounds to the torso. I rock back and forth a little, to dispel the image of her collapsing in the street from my mind. I don’t want to think about her death. I want to know more about her and my father, and her and David. Anything to distract me from the way her life ended.
It’s a sign of how desperate I am for information—and action—that I go to the control room with Zoe later that morning. She talks to the manager of the control room about a meeting with David as I stare, determined, at my feet, not wanting to see what’s on the screens. I feel like if I allow myself to look at them, even for a moment, I will become addicted to them, lost in the old world because I don’t know how to navigate this new one.