His accusation was clear, and I winced. "I'm really sorry," I said, meaning it. "I am an oblivious ass, and I don't blame you if you leave. Please stay. I won't doubt you again."
My eyes flicked up as Wayde leaned forward over the table. He was smiling. That was one of the things I loved about Weres. You didn't have to say much, but you had to mean it. "Apology accepted," he said, scratching his stubble like a dorm student after an all-nighter. "If you're ready to work with me now, I have just one question."
I waited, cringing. He could ask me anything right now, and with me feeling the way I did, I'd answer him with self-humiliating honesty. I'd been wrong, so wrong, and yet he sat there ready to let it go. I owed my dad a huge thank-you and Wayde a great deal more respect.
"Tell me why you walked off this morning," he said, and I blinked, caught off guard.
Wayde put one arm on the table. "Walking out like that was stupid." I took an angry breath, and he added, "All right. You're not as helpless as I've been making out . . . obviously." He frowned at my shoulder bag. "But what you did was the out-of-the-ordinary crap that smart people die from. I want to know why. I can't fill in the gaps of your security if I don't know how you're going to react."
My shoulders slumped. Shit.
Wayde leaned closer. "What happened?"
Avoiding him, I sought out Mark, on the floor arranging shiny bags of coffee. "Hey, can you make another one of these?" I asked him when our eyes met. "And put a shot of raspberry in it?"
Saying nothing, Mark frowned and stiffly went behind the counter. I looked at Wayde across from me, startled by the expression of sympathy in his eyes. "I, ah, had to get out of there," I said, and Wayde leaned back, waiting.
"To prove you could after I got the best of you last night," he said, and I shook my head.
"Yes. No. I left because everyone is moving forward in their lives. Without me."
Wayde rolled his eyes. "You left because your roommate is sharing blood and having sex with someone besides you?" he mocked. "She's a vampire! You don't want that. What's really bothering you?"
"Just forget I said anything," I said, feeling hurt as Mark approached with a grande. Both Wayde and I were silent as he set the cup down and I handed the guy a five. "Thanks, Mark. Keep the change," I said, miserable as I took a sip of my wonderful raspberry coffee, feeling it go all the way down. It sat in my stomach like lead.
Wayde waited with the patience of a wolf, his arms across his chest and a tightness to his lips. I fiddled with my coffee cup, finally saying, "Ivy came home smelling like a friend. She came home happy," I said louder when he started making noises of disbelief again. "And I'm glad for that. She deserves it. And Jenks."
I looked at the table and pushed my cup around some more. "Jenks is never going to find another person like Matalina to share his life with, but seeing him and Belle together . . . They fit, you know?" I said, not caring if he didn't get it. "I used to be in there with them. I'm seeing me starting to slide out. It needs to happen, but I don't like it."
Unfortunately, that was the truth. They were growing, and I wasn't. Or rather, I wasn't growing in the direction I wanted.
"People change," Wayde offered hesitantly, but it was obvious that he didn't get it.
"Tell me about it." I took another sip of coffee, feeling sorry for myself even as I enjoyed the rich, sweet caffeine. "I used to be the one changing and they were the ones trying to keep up. Now I'm sitting still and they're the ones moving on. Without me."
"Waah, waah, waah." Wayde reached for a scone, the bag crackling.
The Turn take it, I'd opened up to him, and he thought I was being self-centered. "Forget I said anything, okay?" I said, wishing I had kept my mouth shut and let him believe I'd left because I was mad about last night. "I'm not going to shrink down and be a pixy, and I'm not going to sign my will over to a vampire, even if I do love her. It would destroy both of us."
Wayde's chewing stopped.
"This is good," I insisted, my eyes on the torn bag as I folded it up around Jenks's scone. "All of it. Jenks and Ivy. It's good. They will live longer, happier lives without me, and I'm glad." I just wish it didn't hurt so much.
"I understand." Wayde put his hand on mine, stopping me from crushing Jenks's scone. "I grew up surrounded by big egos, Rachel, and I get it."
I pulled away from him, shoving Jenks's scone into my bag. "I do not have a big ego."
"Yes you do," he said, wiping the crumbs from his beard and chuckling. "It's probably how you survived living with Ivy. Get over it. You've got a big heart to match, and your dad is just as bad. But as you say, they're getting on with their lives and you aren't. Why do you suppose that is?"
Staring at him, I flopped back against the seat. "If I knew that, I wouldn't be sitting here with you in your pj's, drinking coffee."
And still he smiled, looking far too disorganized to be giving me advice. "Jenks and Ivy know their lives are going to be here. Right now and today," he said, tapping the tip of his finger on the table. "They're making decisions to move forward. Ivy is letting go of her past - that means you - and finding partners who fulfill her emotional, intellectual, and physical needs. Jenks is doing the same. You aren't, because you know in your gut that you won't find what you need here."
The sweet coffee in me seemed to go sour, and I stiffened. "Beg pardon?"
He shrugged and leaned back out of easy reach, looking grungy and disheveled. "For a smart woman, you are clueless sometimes. You're a demon."
Frowning, I glanced over the coffeehouse to make sure no one had heard him. "You want to say that a little louder, maybe?"
His teeth showing in a quick grin, he took a sip of coffee, clearly thinking he had the upper hand again. "I don't blame you for fighting it at first, but you're a demon and you need to accept that. All this about Kalamack giving you a choice that really isn't one aside. It's all you got, woman. Be the demon. The more you try to make the demon a witch, the more you hurt yourself. Why not try it the other way around? See what happens. If it doesn't work, they'll still be here. Waiting for you."
His attention was on my charmed silver bracelet, and I covered it up. It sounded so simple. Maybe he was right.
Wayde let a hand hit the table, making me jump. "Never mind," he said in a tired voice. "Don't listen to me. I'm just pissed you snuck out. You belong here with Ivy and Jenks. Maybe all you need is some new friends. Some who you can just . . . hang with for a while with no strings attached."