“Ask if my Ron is there,” said Mrs. Ormerod. She had a jaw like a brick.
“I will, love, but you've got to be quiet while I make contact.”
There was silence, broken only by Mr. Scroggie's stomach rumbling. “Pardon, ladies,” he mumbled.
Madame Tracy had found, through years of Drawing Aside the Veil and Exploring the Mysteries, that two minutes was the right length of time to sit in silence, waiting for the Spirit World to make contact. More than that and they got restive, less than that and they felt they weren't getting their money's worth.
She did her shopping list in her head.
Eggs. Lettuce. Ounce of cooking cheese. Four tomatoes. Butter. Roll of toilet paper. Mustn't forget that, we're nearly out. And a really nice piece of liver for Mr. Shadwell, poor old soul, it's a shame ...
Time.
Madame Tracy threw back her head, let it loll on one shoulder, then slowly lifted it again. Her eyes were almost shut.
“She's going under now, dear,” she heard Mrs. Ormerod whisper to Julia Petley. “Nothing to be alarmed about. She's just making herself a Bridge to the Other Side. Her spirit guide will be along soon.”
Madame Tracy found herself rather irritated at being upstaged, and she let out a low moan. “Oooooooooh.”
Then, in a high.. pitched, quavery voice, “Are you there, my Spirit Guide?”
She waited a little, to build up the suspense. Washing.. up liquid. Two cans of baked beans. Oh, and potatoes.
“How?” she said, in a dark brown voice.
“Is that you, Geronimo?” she asked herself.
“Is um me, how,” she replied.
“We have a new member of the circle with us this afternoon,” she said.
“How, Miss Petley?” she said, as Geronimo. She had always understood that Red Indian spirit guides were an essential prop, and she rather liked the name. She had explained this to Newt. She didn't know anything about Geronimo, he realized, and he didn't have the heart to tell her.
“Oh,” squeaked Julia. “Charmed to make your acquaintance.”
“Is my Ron there, Geronimo?” asked Mrs. Ormerod.
“How, squaw Beryl,” said Madame Tracy. “Oh there are so many um of the poor lost souls um lined up against um door to my teepee. Perhaps your Ron is amongst them. How.”
Madame Tracy had learned her lesson years earlier, and now never brought Ron through until near the end. If she didn't, Beryl Ormerod would occupy the rest of the seance telling the late Ron Ormerod everything that had happened to her since their last little chat. (“... now Ron, you remember, our Eric's littlest, Sybilla, well you wouldn't recognize her now, she's taken up macrame, and our Letitia, you know, our Karen's oldest, she's become a lesbian but that's all right these days and is doing a dissertation on the films of Sergio Leone as seen from a feminist perspective, and our Stan, you know, our Sandra's twin, I told you about him last time, well, he won the darts tournament, which is nice because we all thought he was a bit of a mother's boy, while the guttering over the shed's come loose, but I spoke to our Cindi's latest, who's a jobbing builder, and he'll be over to see to it on Sunday, and ohh, that reminds me ...”)
No, Beryl Ormerod could wait. There was a flash of lightning, followed almost immediately by a rumble of distant thunder. Madame Tracy felt rather proud, as if she had done it herself. It was even better than the candles at creating ambulance. Ambulance was what mediuming was all about.
“Now,” said Madame Tracy in her own voice. “Mr. Geronimo would like to know, is there anyone named Mr. Scroggie here?”
Scroggie's watery eyes gleamed. “Erm, actually that's my name,” he said, hopefully.
“Right, well there's somebody here for you.” Mr. Scroggie had been coming for a month now, and she hadn't been able to think of a message for him. His time had come. “Do you know anyone named, um, John?”
“No,” said Mr. Scroggie.
“Well, there's some celestial interference here. The name could be Tom. Or Jim. Or, um, Dave.”
“I knew a Dave when I was in Hemel Hempstead,” said Mr. Scroggie, a trifle doubtfully.
“Yes, he's saying, Hemel Hempstead, that's what he's saying,” said Madame Tracy.
“But I ran into him last week, walking his dog, and he looked perfectly healthy,” said Mr. Scroggie, slightly puzzled.
“He says not to worry, and he's happier beyond the veil,” soldiered on Madame Tracy, who felt it was always better to give her clients good news.
“Tell my Ron I've got to tell him about our Krystal's wedding,” said Mrs. Ormerod.
“I will, love. Now, hold on a mo', there's something coming through ...”
And then something came through. It sat in Madame Tracy's head and peered out.
“Sprechen sie Deutsch?” it said, using Madame Tracy's mouth. “Parlez.. vous Franrais7 Wo bu hui jiang zhongwen?”
“Is that you, Ron?” asked Mrs. Ormerod. The reply, when it came, was rather testy.
“No. Definitely not. However, a question so manifestly dim can only have been put in one country on this benighted planet.. most of which, incidentally, I have seen during the last few hours. Dear lady, this is not Ron. ”
“Well, I want to speak to Ron Ormerod,” said Mrs. Ormerod, a little testily. “He's rather short, balding on top. Can you put him on, please?”
There was a pause. “Actually there does appear to be a spirit of that description hovering over here. Very well. I'll hand you over, but you must make it quick. I am attempting to avert the apocalypse.”
Mrs. Ormerod and Mr. Scroggie gave each other looks. Nothing like this had happened at Madame Tracy's previous sittings. Julia Petley was rapt. This was more like it. She hoped Madame Tracy was going to start manifesting ectoplasm next.
“H.. hello?” said Madame Tracy in another voice. Mrs. Ormerod started. It sounded exactly like Ron. On previous occasions Ron had sounded like Madame Tracy.
“Ron, is that you?”
“Yes, Buh.. Beryl.”
“Right. Now I've quite a bit to tell you. For a start I went to our Krystal's wedding, last Saturday, our Marilyn's eldest ...”
“Buh.. Beryl. You.. you nuh.. never let me guh.. get a wuh.. word in edgewise wuh.. while I was alive. Nuh.. now I'm duh.. dead, there's juh just one thing to suh.. say ...”
Beryl Ormerod was a little disgruntled by all this. Previously when Ron had manifested, he had told her that he was happier beyond the veil, and living somewhere that sounded more than a little like a celestial bungalow. Now he sounded like Ron, and she wasn't sure that was what she wanted. And she said what she had always said to her husband when he began to speak to her in that tone of voice.