"He's gone then,' Sonya said. "He's either completely consumed by the world of the dead or is wandering as a restless spirit. Regardless, any lingering threads to life are gone. He can't come back to life.' She turned to Jill. "Go get Dimitri.'
"I don't know where he is,' said Jill, startled.
Sonya smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Close, I'm sure. And watching. Go walk around the motel, the block, whatever. He'll find you.'
Jill left, needing no compulsion. When she was gone, I buried my face in my hands. "Oh God. Oh God. All this time, I denied it, but it's true: I am a murderer.'
"Don't think about that yet,' said Sonya. Her take-charge attitude was almost comforting. Almost. It was easier to take orders than fend for yourself. "Deal with your guilt later. For now, we have to get rid of the body.'
I uncovered my eyes and forced myself to look at Victor. Nausea welled up within me, and those crazy feelings spun even more out of control. I gave a harsh laugh. "Yes. The body. I wish Sydney was here. But we don't have any magic potions. The sun won't destroy him. Weird, isn't it? Strigoi are harder to kill ... harder to kill, easier to clean up.' I laughed again because there was something familiar about my rambling ... it was like Adrian in one of his weird moments. Or Lissa when spirit had pushed her to the edge. "This is it, isn't it?' I asked Sonya. "The flood ... the flood you warned me about. Lissa escaped spirit, but it finally defeated me ... just like Anna ... just like the dream ... oh God. This is the dream, isn't it? But I won't wake up ...'
Sonya was staring at me, her blue eyes wide with ... fear? Mockery? Alarm? She reached out and took my hand. "Stay with me, Rose. We'll push it back.'
A knock at the window startled us both, and Sonya let Jill and Dimitri in.
"Where's Robert?' asked Sonya.
Dimitri glanced down at Victor and then promptly looked away. "Unconscious, hidden in some bushes around the corner.' "Charming,' said Sonya. "Do you think that's smart? Leaving him?'
He shrugged. "I figured I shouldn't be seen carrying an unconscious guy in my arms. In fact ... yes, I think we should just leave him there. He'll wake up. He's not a fugitive. And without Victor, he's ... well, not harmless. But less harmful. We can't keep dragging him with us anyway.'
I laughed again, that laugh that seemed unhinged and hysterical even to me. "He's unconscious. Of course. Of course. You can do that. You can do the right thing. Not me.' I looked down at Victor. ""An animal,' he said. He was right. No higher reasoning ...' I wrapped my arms around myself, my fingernails digging into my skin so hard they drew blood. Physical pain to make the mental pain go away. Wasn't that what Lissa had always said?
Dimitri stared at me and then turned to Sonya. "What's wrong?' he demanded. I'd seen him risk his life over and over, but never, until now, had he truly looked afraid. "Spirit,' said Sonya. "She's pulled and pulled for so long ... and managed to hold it back. It's been waiting, though. Always waiting ...' She frowned slightly, maybe realizing she was starting to sound like me. She turned to Jill. "Is that silver?'
Jill looked down at the heart-shaped locket around her neck. "I think so.'
"Can I have it?'
Jill undid the clasp and passed it over. Sonya held it between her palms and closed her eyes a moment, pursing her lips. A few seconds later, her eyes opened, and she handed me the locket. "Put it on.'
Just touching it gave me a strange tingling in my skin. "The heart ...' I looked at Dimitri as I fastened the clasp. "Do you remember that? "Where's the heart?' you asked. And here it is. Here it ...'
I stopped. The world suddenly became crisper. My jumbled thoughts slowly began to move back together, forming some semblance of rationality. I stared at my companions--the living ones--truly seeing them now. I touched the locket.
"This is a healing charm.'
Sonya nodded. "I didn't know if it'd work on the mind. I don't think it's a permanent fix ... but between it and your own will, you'll be okay for a while.'
I tried not to focus on those last words. For a while. Instead, I tried to make sense of the world around me. Of the body in front of me.
"What have I done?' I whispered.
Jill put her arm around me, but it was Dimitri who spoke.
"What you had to.'
Chapter Twenty-nine
THE EVENTS THAT FOLLOWED were a blur. Sonya might have kept spirit's touch at bay, but it didn't matter. I was still in shock, still unable to think. They put me in the front seat, as far from Victor as possible. Dimitri drove us somewhere--I didn't pay much attention--where he and Sonya disposed of the body. They didn't say what they did, only that it was "taken care of.' I didn't ask for details. After that, we were back and headed toward Court. Sonya and Dimitri tossed around options on what to do when we got there. Seeing as no one had yet cleared my name, the current plan was that Sonya would have to escort Jill into Court. Jill asked if she could call her parents to let them know she was okay, but Dimitri felt that was a security risk. Sonya said she'd try to reach Emily in a dream, which made Jill feel a little better.
I coped during the drive by checking in on Lissa. Focusing on her took me away from the horrible guilt and emptiness I felt, the horror at what I'd done to Victor. When I was with Lissa, I wasn't me, and just then, that was my greatest desire. I didn't want to be me.
But things weren't perfect for her either. Like always, a number of issues were weighing her down. She felt close--so, so close--to unraveling who had killed Tatiana. The answer seemed within her grasp, if only she could reach just a little farther. The guardians had dragged Joe the janitor in, and after a fair amount of coercion--they had methods that didn't require magical compulsion--he'd admitted to having seen the twisted-handed Moroi in my building on the night of the murder. No amount of pushing would get Joe to admit he had been paid off--by either the man or Daniella. The most he'd admit was that he might have been "a little off' in his times that night. It was by no means hard evidence to save me.