I didn’t like the image of her with him.
Jax stared at me, unmoving and waiting. “Cameron’s a friend, okay?” he explained gently. “An old friend.”
I hardened my jaw, the lump in my throat growing. “I see that.”
“K.C…. ,” he started, but I climbed back into the car before he could finish.
I didn’t want to lose it in front of him. Was I mad? Was I upset? Shit, I didn’t know. All I knew was what Cameron had said. Two girls. Two damn girls to wear him out. Which meant he did it regularly. How could I compete with that? What the hell did he want with someone like me?
I shook my head, going from sad to angry, and regaining my control just in time for him to climb back into the car.
“I’m tired,” I said right away, lying. “I need to go home.”
I stared out the window, but I still saw him. His grip so tight on the steering wheel that his tanned knuckles turned white. The long cord of his tensed arm. The lips closed tight, because I could hear him breathing through his nose.
But he slammed the door shut.
As he made his way back through town, the only sound we could hear was the water on the streets being kicked up under the tires. He’d silenced the radio, we weren’t talking … and I felt as if he’d switched off.
Everything had felt alive when he kissed me. His heart under my palm. His breath in my mouth. His hands roaming over my skin as if they were trying to memorize every inch of me.
Now he was a bullet. Going from point A to point B without hesitation.
Until his flat tone finally filled the car. “Come home with me.” It wasn’t a question, and I couldn’t hear a trace of emotion.
I turned to him, stunned. “Are you serious?” I asked. “I don’t think I’d be enough for you.”
“Don’t do that,” he shot back. “Don’t ruin what happened between us. You were fire in my hands, and I want you to remember it, K.C.”
I could feel his eyes on me as I clasped the strap of Tate’s messenger bag sitting on the floor.
“Clothed, naked, I don’t care … ” He trailed off, sounding almost sad. “As long as your lips are on me again.”
I shifted in the seat, trying to buy myself time. What I wanted and what I should do were two different things. I’d fought that battle with Liam, my mother, and hell, the list went on. It was true when I told Jax that I wanted to be a mess. But I didn’t want to get hurt.
“Thanks for the lesson,” I said. “And the ride. But I’m not like you, Jax. I don’t just ignore the rules and take what I want.”
“You don’t know me.” His tone turned defensive. “You know nothing about me.”
“And what do you know about me?” I threw back. “Other than you wanted me to spread my legs in high school? You want to have fun with me and nothing more, Jax. Find someone else.”
He jerked the steering wheel to the right, and I grabbed the door handle to keep from vaulting over to his side of the car as he sped up into his driveway.
My heart jumped into my throat, and I shot out my hand, grabbing the dash when he skidded to a quick halt in front of his garage.
“Jax!” I scolded.
He shut off the car, yanked the parking brake up, and turned to look at me, leaning his forearm on the steering wheel. “You think I don’t know you?” he challenged.
I pursed my lips. “Other than that I’m gutless and helpless, no.”
He shook his head. “You want to travel. To unusual and dangerous places. You hid a binder full of National Geographic pages in your locker in high school because you didn’t want your mom to see all the pictures you’d torn out to keep track of the places you wanted to visit.”
My jaw dropped slightly, and I widened my eyes. What?
He continued. “You didn’t eat lunch for an entire month senior year, because you saw Stu Levi not eating and found out his single mom was out of work and couldn’t afford to put money on his lunch card. So you put your own money on it. Anonymously.”
How did …?
“You love dark chocolate,” he kept going, “Ricky Gervais, and any movie with singing and dancing.” His voice filled the car, and my heartbeat was in my ears. “Except The Wizard of Oz, because the witch freaks you out, right? And you’ve collected almost an entire set of vintage Nancy Drew books. You had the most badges in your troop in Girl Scouts, and you had to quit swimming when you were fourteen because your mom said that your shoulders were getting too muscular and you wouldn’t look feminine. You loved swimming,” he added.
I wrapped my arms around my stomach, the air turning cold. Tate and Liam didn’t even know all that.
“I didn’t drool all over you in high school, K.C. I listened to you. I paid attention to you. What the hell do you know about me?”
And he swung the car door open, climbed out, and slammed it shut, not waiting for an answer.
I sat there, watching him walk into his house and close the door.
Then the tears spilled over, and as much as I wanted to prove him wrong, I couldn’t go after him. He didn’t know that I’d watched him, too. He didn’t know that I’d paid attention as well.
I always saw him.
“Music centers you,” I whispered to an empty car, staring at his front door. “You listened to your iPod between classes and while you sat on the bleachers before school every morning.” I smiled, letting more tears run down my cheeks and thinking back to him and his black hoodies, looking so dark. “You love popcorn. Almost every kind and flavor but especially with Tabasco sauce,” I said, remembering the times he would come into the theater where I worked. “You hold the door open for women—students, teachers, and even old ladies coming out of Baskin-Robbins. You love movies about natural disasters, but they have to have some comedy in them. Your favorite one is Armageddon.” I swallowed and thought about how little I’d ever seen Jax truly smile. “And while you love computers, it’s not your passion,” I concluded. “You love being outdoors. You love having space.” My whole face hurt, the last words barely audible. “And you deserve someone who makes you happy. I’m just not that person.”
CHAPTER 7
K.C.
“Hey, K.C.” Simon, one of the other tutors, came up to me after the sessions ended on Friday. “Doing anything fun this weekend?”
“Probably not,” I said, without looking at him as I loaded up my bag—or Tate’s bag.
“Well, we’re all going out for coffee. Wanna join us?”
I stopped what I was doing and looked up. Peering around him, I saw the other tutors gathering their materials and some waiting by the door.
Smiling softly, I apologized, “Sorry. It’s kind of hot for coffee.”
“Iced coffee, then?” he shot back, grinning playfully. “They have smoothies, too.”
I swung the bag over my head, legs tensing with the urge to walk.
Simon seemed like a nice guy. And good-looking, too. I wasn’t sure if he was feeling me out or just being friendly, but I clutched the strap over my chest, wishing he had just left me alone.
Not that he’d done anything wrong. I should spend time with people. With a potentially nice guy, too. But last night—and nearly every night this week, actually—I’d opted to ignore Shane and texts from Nik and Tate and either take long, long walks or sit on a lawn chair in the backyard and zone out listening to the iPod. Alone but not really lonely.
How was that even possible?
Throughout high school and college, I was always lonely.
At parties. Lonely.
With Liam. Lonely.
Around my family. Lonely.
Standing in the middle of a group of friends. Completely lonely.
But it was weird. Now that I was alone more than I’d ever been in my life, the doubt and the anxiety were replaced with something else.
Time to think. Time to unwind. It unnerved me, but it also felt kind of good. I started putting my feet on the coffee table, drinking from the carton, and playing music every morning when I woke up. It was as though I was starting to meet myself.
I put my head down, feeling bad as I walked around him toward the door, but I just wasn’t up for being social. “Thanks. Maybe another time, Simon.”
As I walked into the hallway, turning right to head out the front doors, my phone rang from inside the bag.
Picking it out, I looked, only hoping to avoid calls from my mother, but I didn’t recognize this number.
I held it to my ear. “Hello?”
“Hey, Trouble,” a deep voice greeted me with humor.
Jared.
“Great,” I mumbled. “You’re teasing me, too? I seem to remember you getting arrested once.”
I heard his quiet laugh on the other end. Jax’s brother—also Tate’s boyfriend—and I were friendly but not particularly close. I hadn’t seen him in forever.
“It’s Tate’s fault, you know?” I explained. “She’s a bad influence.”
“Yeah, no shit.”
Tate was a ballbuster, and the whole town knew it. While she and Jared used to be childhood friends, he’d begun bullying her in high school for reasons I still didn’t know. When Tate started fighting back, she literally started fighting back. There was a broken nose, a knee in the balls, some slaps, and a whole lot of damage to Jared’s car.