"I know." He let her nuzzle her face into his neck, stroking his hand over her hair. "But he did other things." Acts she hadn't revealed during the healing sessions.
A jerky nod. "He - he liked to demonstrate his telekinetic control by forcing objects inside my body using only his Psy skills."
Red blazed in his mind and it wasn't pain. Gritting his teeth, he made himself stay silent and listen.
"I was so ashamed," she whispered, her cheek wet against his skin. "I was a wolf changeling - stronger, faster, desperate - and I couldn't stop him. Sometimes he'd untie me but hold me down telekinetically so it'd be like I was holding myself down...like I was cooperating. Then he'd experiment with my pain thresholds. Mostly it was mental, but sometimes...sometimes he'd decide to see what my body could take."
"You have nothing to be ashamed of." How could she have even thought that? "Enrique was a cardinal Tk and a killer. He bears all the blame."
Her arms tightened. "I'm starting to believe in myself again, but anytime something sexual happens, I associate it with him. I can't seem to break the link though I know it's not right. I know not all men are like him, but..."
"What he did was about pain. This is about pleasure." Even a rebel Arrow knew that distinction.
Her tears stayed silent. Heartbreakingly so. "He made my body feel pleasure, messed with my mind until he controlled my responses and made me enjoy every humiliating, degrading thing he did." Shame layered her whispered words.
Judd wished Enrique weren't dead so he could torture the bastard. He'd keep him alive, make him suffer. You could cut off parts of a man without killing him for days, weeks if you were patient. "Enrique was a Tk," he repeated, "with only midlevel telepathy. He wanted to tear into your mind, but he never reached the inner core, the part that governs your emotions. He didn't have that ability. When he made your body respond, he did so by controlling your nerves."
Brenna had gone quiet, as if concentrating on his factual explanation.
"You were always aware of what was happening, weren't you?"
A warm breath against his neck. "It was like I could watch what he was doing to me but not stop it. I hated it, but my body did whatever he wanted."
"So there was no pleasure, only a physical response."
"Aren't they the same?" Raising her head, she looked him in the eye, the tears having left her gaze strangely clear.
"The order is wrong." He knew the logic, had been taught it as part of the conditioning process. When he saw her frown, he decided to prove his point. "If I told you I think you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen, would you feel pleasure?"
A blush colored her cheeks. "Do you mean that or are you making a hypothetical point?"
"I mean every word." She was soft and curvy and lushly female. Perfect.
"Of course that would make me happy." She brushed a kiss over his lips and it was so unexpected, he had to scramble to regather his thoughts.
"What if a stranger on a dark street said the same?"
"I'd get out of there as fast as my legs would carry me." She made a face. "You're saying pleasure is dictated by the heart and mind. I trust you, think you're sexy as hell, and so you pleasure me. Another man, while he might somehow be able to force my body to react, would give me no pleasure."
Every man had a limit. Judd figured he'd gone past his weeks ago. "The link must be present between a body and a free mind. Without that link, it's not pleasure but a facsimile so wrong it's pain."
She was silent for close to a minute. "I never thought about it like that, but you're right. It was pain. It tore me apart to have my body react against my will, hurt me so badly I had to curl up in my inner mind to survive. Sascha said it's the most basic of survival instincts, what sentient beings do when there's no other way out. Sometimes, they never return from the catatonic state."
Driven to the edge, but unwilling to chance hurting Brenna, he focused his rage into manipulating an inanimate object instead. The sofa raised off the floor behind her. "Yes," he said, hoping she wouldn't notice. "So embrace the pleasure you get from me. It's not tainted."
She smiled, slow and bright. "You're wonderful, you know that? All logic and reason but wonderful." A simple statement that meant everything. "And even more so because you've been holding me all this time without complaining. I'm no lightweight."
He debated whether to say it and decided for truth. "I'm a Tk. It costs me nothing to hold you."
Her face clouded over. "You're using telekinesis to hold me up?"
"Yes. It's who I am." It was time they dealt with that. "Look behind you."
Frowning, she glanced over her shoulder. Her mouth fell open. "You're making the sofa...and the table, float!" She turned back to him. "Why?"
"Too much power. I have to release it somehow."
She wriggled and he knew she wanted to be freed. He let her jump down, wondering what she'd do now. Able to rein in his most dangerous emotions now that she was no longer touching him, he brought the furniture back down to earth.
"Lift me," she ordered out of nowhere.
"Brenna - "
She took a couple of steps back to give him more room. "Do it, I want to feel your...energy, differentiate it from his." A stubborn look.
Judd had the sudden realization that if he ever saw fear of himself in Brenna's eyes, it would break him beyond redemption. "Hold still." He could do it while she was moving, but she might inadvertently hurt herself if she pushed forward at the wrong instant and redirected his kinetic energy.