Climbing into my car, I debated leaving again. I could run away, try to forget her. I knew I never would though. She would always be in my mind. From now until the day I died, I would be in love with her.
I went to Evan’s for rehearsal, then stayed there when everyone went to Pete’s afterward. I didn’t want to see Kiera. I couldn’t. Not yet. I was still processing everything she’d said. It seemed off somehow, and I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it. With her heart and soul in her eyes, she’d asked me not to leave her. Her begging me to stay in that parking lot hadn’t been because she was merely attracted to me. There had been more going on. There had to have been. She wouldn’t risk her relationship with Denny over a charming smile.
I was staring up at Evan’s ceiling, pondering that, when I heard his door open. “Kell, you still here? What happened? I thought you said you’d be right behind us?”
Evan walked into his apartment with a naturally confused expression. Faking a yawn, I blinked and sat up on his couch. “What time is it?” I asked, my voice groggy. “I must have fallen asleep.”
When the guys had packed up their stuff and headed out to the bar, I’d told them I wanted to jot down some lyrics I’d just thought up, and I’d join them when I was done. Not wanting to mess with my creative process, they’d all given me the space I’d needed—no questions asked. I hadn’t written down a damn thing though; my mind was spinning way too fast for any decent lyric to pop out. I felt kind of bad about lying to the guys, but I couldn’t tell them I was avoiding Kiera. I couldn’t tell them anything.
Evan came over to the couch while I stretched out. “It’s pretty late. We ended up closing Pete’s.” He crooked a smile at me. “You missed Griffin getting shot down by a hot blonde. It was…amazing.” He laughed, then pointed to a notebook on the couch beside me. Yes, I’d brought props into my lie. “You finish what you were working on?”
Grabbing the notebook, I curled my fingers around it. “Yeah, almost.”
“Can I read it?” Evan seemed genuinely curious about a potential new song to start putting together, but I hadn’t written down anything.
With a frown, I lifted the notebook, but didn’t ease my grip on it. “It’s nowhere near ready. Soon though. I promise.”
Evan only nodded at my answer. He respected my process enough to not badger me about it. I appreciated that, and felt even guiltier. I’d have to scrap together a song soon so I wouldn’t be a complete and total liar.
Running a hand through my hair, I let out another yawn. “I’m beat. I better go home and get to bed.”
Clapping me on the shoulder, Evan let out a yawn as well. “Yeah, me too. Laughing my ass off was tiring.” He shook his head and started chuckling. “You should have been there, man. You missed out.”
Even though I didn’t feel like it, I made myself smile. “Yeah, sounds like I did.” I felt like I’d missed out on a lot of things. “Night, Evan.”
“Night.”
I took my time heading home. I stopped to get gas and picked up some groceries at a twenty-four-hour store. I even debated going back to that diner in Olympia. I didn’t though. Eventually, I sucked it up and went back home. Kiera and Denny were asleep when I got there. Not wanting to wake anyone, and being careful to avoid the couple of spots that always creaked, I put away my things and then tiptoed up the stairs. I couldn’t make sense of my life anymore. What seemed up was down, what seemed right was wrong. When did the world get so confusing? Or had it always been this way, and I was only now catching up?
Sleep was difficult. I kept seeing Kiera repeating over and over, “I’m attracted to you…but I feel nothing…” Then my father would appear. He’d laugh at me, then say, “I told you she was too good for you.”
I woke up after only a few hours and decided to get up. Having Kiera and my father reject me wasn’t exactly restful. I’d rather be tired.
When Kiera entered the kitchen, I was already at the table, sipping my coffee. She seemed relieved to see me, and guilty too. I wondered what exactly she felt guilty about—leading me on, or telling me the truth. Then I decided it didn’t matter. What was done was done. I’d never expected this to last anyway.
I watched her as she sat down across from me. She seemed nervous, like she wasn’t sure how I’d react to her. I didn’t blame her for feeling unsure. I’d been all over the place with her. Way up, and way down. Right now…I was just numb.
“Hey,” she whispered.
“Hey,” I said back. I set down my coffee cup, and an ache filled me to touch her. I just wanted to hold her fingers, stroke them. It had only been a day since she’d ended things, but I already missed her.
Neither one of us spoke again and tension filled the room. It was like we were both suffering from the stress of restraint. Or maybe I was just hoping that it was killing her not to touch me. Maybe she was fine, and I was the only one struggling. She seemed stressed though.
Suddenly, she blurted out, “My sister is coming in tomorrow. Denny and I are going to pick her up from the airport in the morning.”
I blinked, then nodded. I’d almost forgotten about her sister’s visit. “Oh…right.” Not wanting anyone to be inconvenienced by my presence, I told her, “I can crash at Matt’s. She can stay in my room.” Then you won’t have to feel guilty when you look at me.
“No…you don’t have to do that. It’s not necessary.” She paused, and her eyes grew heavy with sadness. “Kellan, I hate how we left things.”
I couldn’t keep watching her eyes, so I shifted my gaze to the table. “Yeah…me too.”
“I don’t want this…weirdness…between us. Can we…can we still be friends? Truly, just friends?”
Dark humor on my lips, I looked up at her then. “Are you really giving me the ‘let’s be friends’ speech?”
She grinned, and my heart ached a little. She was so beautiful, and so out of reach. “Yeah…I guess I am.”
Could I be friends with her again? What did that entail anyway? Weren’t we friends before she’d pulled the plug on us? No, we were never really friends. We were always slightly above that. And now, any sort of friendship was buried so far in our past, there was no way to retrieve it. I couldn’t be her friend when she was my entire world, it would hurt too much, but…what choice did I have? I’d take anything she’d give me. Anything. Even this.
I was gathering my courage to tell her that we could be whatever she wanted us to be when she interrupted. “I should probably warn you about my sister.”
The sudden shift in the conversation derailed my train of thought. I tried to understand what she meant by her comment, then I remembered what she’d said about her sister a few weeks ago. Pointing to myself, I said, “I remember…man-flavored candy.” According to Kiera, her sister was pretty much going to attack me. Well, she couldn’t be much worse than the aggressive fans at the bar. I was sure I could handle her.
Kiera shook her head. “No…I mean yes, but that’s not what I was thinking of.”
“Oh?” I asked, curious what else there could be.
Looking away, Kiera’s cheeks tinted pink, like she was embarrassed to be telling this to me. “She’s kind of…well…She’s very beautiful,” she said with a sigh.
No surprise there. “I figured she was.” Kiera’s eyes snapped to mine, and I quietly added, “She’s related to you…right?”
She gave me a put-out sigh. “Kellan…”
“I know. Friends.” I had to accept that friendship was all she could give me. The thought made my soul ache though.
Kiera’s eyes were sympathetic. She didn’t want to hurt me, and I knew that. “Are you still coming with us to the club?”
Why? What purpose would that serve? “You still want me to?” I asked, averting my eyes.
“Yes, of course. We’re still friends, Kellan, and my sister expects…”
Understanding hit me and I looked back at her. Of course. I couldn’t forget about the charade we had going on. “Right, we wouldn’t want her asking the wrong questions,” I said, my voice rough. So there it was, the real reason Kiera was smoothing things over with me right now. Not because she felt bad that she’d hurt me, but because she didn’t want her sister suspicious. Because then her sister might talk to Denny, and that was the last thing Kiera wanted. I should have known. It always circled back to Denny.
“Kellan—”
“I’ll be there, Kiera.” Don’t you worry about it. I don’t want Denny to know either.
Finishing my coffee, I stood up. There was nothing more to talk about here. I started to leave, but Kiera harshly snapped my name and I turned to look at her. What could she possibly be mad about?
“Remember your promise,” she said, her voice hot.
My promise? That I wouldn’t sleep with her sister? Why would I want to sleep with the girl who was nothing to me but a poor substitute of the person I really wanted to be with? Why would I torture myself like that? And what did it really matter to her anyway, since she didn’t have any feelings for me?