More tears flowed down her cheeks, and I carefully stroked them away. She looked like she might lose it at any second. I hated that we were piling this on her now, when she was still weak and recovering, but it had to happen, and sooner was better than later. “You knew he was going to break up with me today?” she asked.
I nodded. “I knew he was going to do it soon. When you woke up and he looked at me…I figured he wanted to do it as soon as possible.” The weight of what needed to be done crushed me, and I looked away. “Rip off the Band-Aid…” I murmured. Do it now. Then walk away. It will only sting for a second.
No. It won’t. This sting will last for the rest of my life.
I stared at the ground as I willed myself to let her go. Denny was right. It was harder than I imagined. I had to though. This limbo wasn’t good for us. When I noticed Kiera’s hand reaching out for me, I forced the words from my lips. “What are your plans now, Kiera?”
Her hand dropped as she stuttered for an answer. “My plans? I don’t…I don’t know. School…work…” You.
She didn’t say that last option out loud, but I heard it plain as day. He left me, so I guess I’ll stay with you. Since you’ll always be here waiting for me.
Not this time, Kiera.
Heat was in my eyes when I returned my gaze to hers. If I could hold in the anger, I could hold back the pain. “And me? Do we just pick up where we left off? Before you left me…again…for him?”
Kiera’s eyes fluttered closed. “Kellan…”
Tears stung my eyes as despair battered against my crumbling wall of rage; I couldn’t keep holding it back. “I can’t do this anymore, Kiera.”
She opened her eyes, and I could see the agony in them, but I couldn’t stop now. Rip off the Band-Aid. “I was going to let you walk away that night. I told you I’d let you go, if that was what you wanted, and when you said…” I closed my eyes with a sigh. “After that, I couldn’t even find it in me to lie to Denny when he found us.” Reopening my eyes, I focused on our hands. “I knew he’d attack me when he heard the truth…but I couldn’t fight him back. I’d hurt him so badly, I couldn’t find it in me to hurt him physically. What we did to him…He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever known, the closest thing to real family I’ve ever had, and we turned him into my…”
I closed my eyes as the memory of my father merged with my image of Denny when he was attacking me. I’d done that. I’d made him snap. I’d created a monster. “I think a part of me wanted him to hurt me…” I lifted my eyes to Kiera’s. “Because of you, because you always chose him. You never really wanted me, and you’re all I’ve ever…” I’d do anything for you. Why won’t you do the same?
Looking away, I swallowed a lump in my throat. “So…now that he’s left you, now that the choice isn’t yours, do I get you?” The heat returned to my voice as I pulled my anger around me like a shield. “Am I your consolation prize?” Is that all I’ve ever been?
Her mouth dropped open like she was shocked I’d come to that conclusion. What other conclusion have you left me, Kiera? She opened and shut her mouth, but no words came out. Truth was hard to argue with. “That’s what I thought.”
Releasing some of the anger, since it was pointless to hold on to it, I let out a long sigh. “Kiera…I wish…” I wish we’d run away when we’d had the chance. I wish Denny had never returned from Tucson. I wish you’d come out here without him, and I’d fallen in love with you in an honest way, with no regret, no guilt…no pain.
Knowing wishes were just as pointless as anger, I shifted what I’d been about to say. “I’ve decided to stay in Seattle. You wouldn’t believe how much crap Evan gave me for almost leaving the band.” I searched her face as I recalled Evan’s disbelief and his odd-sounding words. You’re irreplaceable. My gaze stopped on Kiera’s wounds, and I felt like I was in a daze as I studied her. “I never even thought about my band in this whole mess. I hurt them when they figured out I was planning on ditching town.” I hadn’t spoken to the others yet, but I could easily picture Matt’s shock and Griffin’s disgust. I was such an idiot. And it was time to be smart.
I exhaled in preparation. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. Leaning down, I placed a soft kiss on her lips, then trailed kisses across her cheek to the soft spot below her ear. I cherished the taste of her, the smell of her, the sound of her. This was probably the last time I’d be close to her. It was quite possibly the last time I would ever see her. The thought filled me with pain, dread, and a hollow ache that burned my insides. What will I do without her?
Resting my head against hers, I made myself say the words I never thought I would say to her. “I’m so sorry, Kiera. I love you…but I can’t do this. I need you to move out.”
Before she could react, I stood and left the room. Any reaction from her would spark a reaction in me, and my reaction to her pain would most likely end with me staying. And I couldn’t. Not when her heart wasn’t really in it.
I made it halfway down the hall before the tears came. Near the waiting room packed with magazines and vending machines, there was a dimly lit chapel. I headed in there to find some solace so I could fall apart in peace. It was done. I’d ripped off the Band-Aid, but the wound beneath it hadn’t healed yet, and I was bleeding out. How do I go on now?
Hours later, when I came to grips with my new reality, I headed downstairs. Feeling more than a little lost, I walked the halls of the hospital. Eventually, I bumped into my band when I was coming out of the bathroom near the emergency room. Seeing them here shocked the hell out of me.
“Hey, what are you guys doing here?”
Griffin sniffed. “We came to see you and your chick. Well, your roommate chick.” Matt nodded in agreement, and I scrunched my brows as I studied them. What exactly had Evan told them? While I contemplated that, Griffin added, “You look like shit, man. How many guys jumped you?” With a smirk he leaned in and said, “It was one, right? Some tiny five-foot-nothing teenager, huh?” He shook his head with a chuckle. “Wuss.”
I looked over at Evan while Matt smacked Griffin in the chest. “They could have killed him, asswipe.”
Griffin looked affronted. “Well, they obviously didn’t. Lighten the fuck up, dude. You knew I was kidding…right, Kell?”
I managed to nod, but I was still a little dumbfounded. Evan told them the lie? Evan was remaining silent, but on his face was a knowing smile. “I…uh…Kiera’s fine, but she’s really not up for visitors…maybe tomorrow.”
I looked away as I imagined her sobbing into her pillows. Evan put his hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t we get out of here? We’ll go to Pete’s…relax.”
“I don’t want to relax,” I murmured. Looking up at him, I added, “I want to stay here.”
Griffin clapped his hands together. “Sweet! Let’s go to the cafeteria and see if we can score free food from the desperate chicks.”
Matt cocked an eyebrow at him. “Desperate chicks?”
Griffin shrugged. “You know, the fuglies with hairnets, moles, broken dreams, and crusty vaginas who work in cafeterias. It’s part of the job description.”
Matt could only shake his head at his cousin. “That’s so…How is it that no one has murdered you yet?”
Snorting in answer, Griffin started walking down the hall. “Because you can’t kill a god, dimwit.”
As the pair of them strolled away, I turned to Evan. “You didn’t tell them what happened? With me leaving…with Denny.”
Evan shrugged. “Not my story, Kellan.”
I smiled, then started following my bandmates. “Thank you. I’d rather they didn’t know.”
“Yeah, I figured as much,” Evan replied.
I thought the guys might pester me about the “mugging” once we got to the cafeteria, but Griffin was beside himself once he learned that his stereotype about cafeteria workers was dead wrong. He was in hog heaven, surrounded by cute women offering him a wide assortment of food. But, almost as if they’d heard his derogatory comment in the hallway, none of them gave him the time of day, and he had to pay for every single item he consumed. Most of the staff hit on me while we were there, which led to a different sort of pestering from Griffin, but it was a distraction I gladly accepted. And for a moment, my grief wasn’t overpowering and all-encompassing, and my “family” was the reason. I was tremendously grateful for that.
After the guys left, I went back to the quiet chapel. I ended up spending the night there, spread out on a row of chairs. It wasn’t the best place to sleep, but it was the closest to Kiera I could get without actually being in the room with her. I was stiff, sore, and tired as hell when I woke up, but I threw on a smile so I could go talk to the nurses and make sure Kiera was fine.
After one of the nurses told me Kiera was up and walking around, I wandered downstairs to watch people coming and going. Every face had a story—some happy, some sad. After a while, a face I recognized walked through the doors, and it was a face I hadn’t been expecting to see.