I could only stare at her in shock. I didn’t know what to say or do so I just kept sipping on my coffee and watching her.
“You asked me how I could love Remy knowing how different he was while I always had such a hard time with you and I want to try and explain things. It’s not an excuse, our relationship has never been easy, we’ve never been as close as I was with your brother and it started when you were both born. You guys were early which is pretty common with twins, only you came out strong and healthy bellowing your little head off, Remy wasn’t so lucky. He had the cord around his neck and was breech, it took a lot of work and effort to get him here alive and well so from the start I think I focused more on him than on you which makes me a terrible mother but didn’t mean I didn’t love you both. Remy breast fed, you wanted formula and when you were old enough to walk Remy held onto my fingers and tottered all over the house, you pulled yourself up using Rome as a lever and then just took off on your own. Your brother always needed me, always wanted me and you, well you were like you are now; independent, fierce and determined to blaze your own way in the world and I just let you go. Your dad and I both just let you slip away.”
I was having a hard time breathing but I was so focused on what she was saying that it didn’t seem to matter. “When Remy brought Shaw home I was so excited. He hadn’t ever shown any interest in any other girl meanwhile your dad caught at least a girl a week sneaking out of your window and we were starting to put the pieces together about him. I was convinced he was just waiting for the right girl and Shaw had it all, she’s lovely, well educated, comes from money it never occurred to me that she was too delicate, too broken down by her own family to be with someone as gentle and sweet as Remy. She needed someone strong, someone not afraid of all things that tormented her day in and day out so of course she picked you, she’s loved you forever. I saw it, your dad saw it and even with that we let Remy use her and snow everyone into thinking they were an item because it was just easier than dealing with the truth.”
She stopped fidgeting with her cup and met my stunned gaze. She had tears in her eyes which were nothing new, but these ones for once seemed generated by actual regret not overbearing anger and blame directed at me.
“The night of Remy’s accident he called me. I knew he was on his way to pick you up and I told him not to go, that you were a grown man that could find his own way home. He got really mad at me, told me I needed to get over whatever it was that kept me from embracing you, from loving you as openly and fully as I loved him. I got angry back and told him he had no place to lecture me on how I interacted with you if he was going to keep living a lie. We had a huge fight, it was ugly and I threatened him. I told him I was going to let you and Rome know exactly who their brother was and he freaked out. He hung up and left to get you and those were the last words I said to my baby.”
She was crying openly now and all I could do was sit there and let everything she said flow over me. “I said it should have been you; put all my grief and responsibility on your shoulders because I was too weak to be accountable for my part in what happened to Remy. Out of all of us you’re the strongest, you’re the one that handled it the best and it was easier to blame you than look at you and realize what I had done. You never loved me the way Remy did and the farther away I pushed you the easier it was to feel less guilt. I’m sorry I did it, you never deserved it. I felt like you were already lost to me so the idea of losing you wasn’t as crippling as it was with Rome, but I realize now you were never lost I had just shoved you as far and as hard away as I could because of what may or may not happen and that’s not healthy or acceptable.”
We sat in silence while I tried to work through all of it. I couldn’t just accept her apology, too much time and too many hurtful words and actions had been exchanged for that, but I could recognize that we were all human and prone to making careless mistakes with people that we cared about and try and work towards a resolution from there.
“That’s a lot to take in mom and I’m not sure what you expect from me after telling me all that.”
She swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand and gave me a rueful grin. “I don’t expect anything but I do want you to know that your dad and I are committed to putting this family back together, including Shaw. I know you’re mad she didn’t tell you about Remy but I also saw the way you two were looking at each other. I saw the way you were with her Rule and I know you have never been like that with anyone else. She has always thought that you were worthy and in need of love even when you did your absolute best to convince the rest of the world that you weren’t interested in being loved. I just think you should consider that before deciding to walk away from her for good.”
Was my mom, the woman that had made it her mission for the last three years to make sure I knew I was the lowest form of humanity trying to give me relationship advice? Was she seriously trying to tell me to try again with Shaw?
“She actually walked away from me. She told me that trying wasn’t enough, that she needed to know that I loved her for sure and I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know that we’re ultimately good for each other.”
My mom reached across the table and grabbed my hand that was resting by the cup. I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“She needs your strength and you need her to teach you how to love. She comes from a really awful group of people; Rule. She needs someone that can stand by her while she deals with that and you need someone that’s not scared of you, someone that can love all the different parts of you and not ask you to change any of them. She’s done it for years even if you didn’t know it. She was loyal to your brother, she kept his secret even though it caused problems between the two of you, and she’ll be loyal to you too.”
We sat in silence while her words washed over me. I just didn’t know what to say but I did know that things weren’t the same without Shaw in my life. The last couple months had been hallow. I didn’t just miss her in my bed, which I did…a lot, I missed her in the morning when I had breakfast, I missed hearing from her in the afternoon and sending her naughty little text messages that I knew made her blush, I missed her coming by the shop for dinner and hanging out while she did her homework. I just missed her and things weren’t as good as they were when she was around.
“I have to say this was one of the more surprising birthday’s I’ve ever had.”