It was just after midnight when I pulled into the surprisingly empty parking lot. As I jumped out of my car I noticed Dixie and the new bouncer walking out of the front door. The cute cocktail server stopped when she recognized me and nodded to the massive, imposing man to go ahead. He gave me a once-over and then walked over to a fierce-looking motorcycle that sounded as mean as it looked when he started it up. Dixie twirled one of her strawberry-blond curls around her finger and smiled sweetly at me.
“Everyone has been by to check on him tonight. I can’t say I’m surprised you’re the last one to filter through.”
I bit down on my lip and shifted uneasily on my feet. “How is he?”
She shrugged and lifted her hand to turn it back and forth in a so-so motion. “It’s Asa, so it’s kind of hard to tell. I think he’s glad to be back home, but whatever happened between the two of you is still sitting heavily on his shoulders. He hides it all pretty well, but I’ve worked with him so closely for so long I can see it. His eyes don’t shine anymore.”
That made me suck in a hard breath and had my fingers twitching on each hand. “I just wanted to see if he was okay. I knew he wasn’t close with his dad at all … but still.”
She nodded in agreement. “I think he’ll be happy to see you. It was a pretty slow night. Rowdy and Zeb were the last two left at the bar and they took off about ten minutes before Church and I walked out. He’s probably getting ready to shut everything down if you want to stick your head in for a minute before he locks the door.” She reached out a hand and gave my arm a little squeeze. “I don’t know why he did what he did, Royal, but I do know that doing it made him miserable and hurt him just as much as it hurt you.”
“I wish that made me feel any kind of better.” She made a sympathetic noise and then waved good-bye as she headed off to her own sporty little car. My hand shook when I reached out to pull open the door to the Bar. I didn’t know if it was better that he was alone inside or if seeing him for the first time since he demolished me would be easier with the buffer of other people around. I figured this way if I burst into tears, or made a fool of myself in any other way, at least he would be the only one to witness it and he had already seen me at various stages of my worst.
The lights were still on and blazing bright. The jukebox was on and playing a sad song I didn’t recognize. Asa was behind the bar and had turned around to see who was walking in when the doors opened. All I could think was that Dixie was dead wrong. His eyes shone brighter than the sun and hotter than the neon signs on the wall behind him from the distance that separated us. He was a glowing golden beacon of all that I ever wanted, and he was just staring at me while I stood rooted on the spot.
He looked a little rough. He had lost some weight and his normally short, blond hair had encroached on shaggy territory complete with unruly curls that upped his handsome level to devastating. He had more than a scruff of gold fuzz on his face, and where a flirty grin usually lived on his mouth there were fine white lines bracketing a tight frown. I took a deep breath and told myself that even if he had hurt me, even if he was still playing some kind of awful game, I was a big enough person to make sure he was all right. I could live my life without Asa Cross in it even if I didn’t want to. When I started walking toward the bar, I saw him tense up as he moved forward and leaned on the opposite side with his arms spread far apart.
“What are you doing here, Red?” He didn’t sound upset that I was here, but he didn’t sound happy to see me either.
I made my way all the way up to the bar and pushed a couple of the stools out of the way so I could stand directly across from him with the wood of the bar top pressing into my middle.
“I heard about your dad, so I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
He just stared at me for a long moment, then pushed off the bar and turned around to grab a couple of rocks glasses that he then proceeded to pour a couple of fingers of amber liquid into. I could tell by the peaty, smoky scent that it was scotch. My cheeks instantly flamed bright red and my breath got choppy when I recalled the last time we had shared a scotch in this bar. He pushed the glass over in front of me and I hesitantly curled my fingers around it.
“I feel like shit every second of every day, but it doesn’t have anything to do with my dad passing away.”
That much brutal honesty after a full month of silence was almost enough to bring me to my knees. I felt my back teeth clench together and some of the anger that I was surviving on surged to the surface.
“I didn’t go anywhere, Asa.” God, I wanted him to explain himself more than I wanted anything else in the entire world. I wanted him to open his mouth and make everything better, but he didn’t. He just continued to stare at me and I continued to stare at him.
He reached out for his own glass and lifted it until it touched his lips. I could see the memories glittering all along the molten heat in his gaze as he swallowed the liquor down and continued to watch me in silence.
I could see this was going to go nowhere fast. He wasn’t going to cave and break his silence. I wasn’t going to be able to withstand him licking his lips and looking at me like I was his last meal while he was on death row, without climbing over the bar and either smacking him across the face or sitting on it … or maybe both. Neither would bring me any peace of mind while he was still being so evasive and secretive. I pushed my untouched drink back toward him and closed my eyes briefly.
“So this is it for us?” I could hear in my voice how much it hurt to say those words.
He made a strangled noise and I opened my eyes as he leaned back up against the bar. Now I could see what Dixie had been talking about. There was no more shimmer, no more glimmer or metallic glow in his gaze. They just looked flat and boring brown like any other guy’s … which Asa definitely wasn’t.
“This is it.” It sounded like the words had to fight their way past dragons and over cliffs to make their way out of his mouth.
I pushed some of my hair over my shoulder and wrapped my arms around my waist. Once again he left me feeling like I needed a hug.
“You were worth every second of heartbreak. I just want you to know that.” I had to let him know that even if he ruined me, my time with him had all been worth it in the end. It was filled with moments I would cherish forever. His eyes flickered away from me for a second and his head dropped down so that he was looking at the top of the bar.