"That's crazy. That doesn't make any sense."
"Is it? You just told me that you can't ever be involved with anyone. Do you think it's possible that wanting someone you can't have is your subconscious mind's way of coping? If it's impossible for you to have him, then you never have to confront feeling conflicted about Lissa. You'll never have to choose."
"This is confusing," I grumbled.
"It's supposed to be. That's why I'm here."
"What's this have to do with Mason?"
"It has to do with you, Rose. That's what's important."
I left therapy feeling like my brain had melted. I also kind of felt like I'd been on trial. If Deirdre had been there to grill Victor, they probably would have finished up in half the time.
I also thought Deirdre had totally been going in the wrong direction. Of course I didn't resent Lissa. And the thought that I'd fallen for Dimitri because I couldn't have him was ridiculous. I'd never even thought of the conflict with guarding until he'd mentioned it. I'd fallen for him because ... well, because he was Dimitri. Because he was sweet, strong, funny, fierce, and gorgeous. Because he understood me.
And yet, as I walked back to the commons, I found her question spinning around in my brain. I might not have been thinking about a relationship distracting us in our guard duties, but I'd certainly known from the start that his age and job were huge barriers. Could that have really played a part? Had some piece of me known we could never really have anything - thus allowing me to always stay dedicated to Lissa?
No, I decided firmly. That was ridiculous. Deirdre might be good at asking questions, but she was clearly asking the wrong ones.
"Rose!"
I looked to my right and saw Adrian cutting across the lawn toward me, oblivious to the slush's effects on his designer shoes.
"Did you just call me 'Rose'?" I asked. "And not 'little dhampir'? I don't think that's ever happened."
"It happens all the time," he countered, catching up to me.
We stepped inside the commons. School was in session, so the halls were empty.
"Where's your better half?" he asked.
"Christian?"
"No, Lissa. You can tell where she is, right?"
"Yeah, I can tell because it's last period, and she's in class like everyone else. You keep forgetting that for the rest of us, this is a school."
He looked disappointed. "I found more case files I wanted to talk to her about. More super-compulsion stuff."
"Whoa, you've been doing something productive? I'm impressed."
"You're one to talk," he said. "Especially considering your whole existence here revolves around beating people up. You dhampirs are uncivilized - but then, that's why we love you."
"Actually," I mused, "we aren't the only ones doing beatings lately." I'd nearly forgotten about my royal fight club mystery. There were so many things I had to worry about lately. It was like trying to hold water in my hands. It was a long shot, but I had to ask him. "Does the word Man? mean anything to you?"
He leaned against the wall and reached for his cigarettes. "Sure."
"You're inside the school," I warned.
"What - oh, right." With a sigh, he put the pack back in his coat. "Don't half of you study Romanian here? It means 'hand.'"
"I study English here." Hand. That didn't make any sense.
"Why the interest in translation?"
"I don't know. I think I got it wrong. I thought it had some connection to this thing that's been going on with these royals."
Recognition flashed in his eyes. "Oh Lord. Not that. Are they really doing it here too?"
"Doing what?"
"The Man?. The Hand. It's this stupid secret society that pops up at schools. We had a chapter of it back at Alder. It's mostly a bunch of royals getting together and having secret meetings to talk about how much better they are than everyone else."
"That's it then," I said. The pieces clicked together. "That's Jesse and Ralf's little group - the one they tried to get Christian to join. That's what this Man? is."
"Him?" Adrian laughed. "They must have been desperate - and I don't mean that as a slam against Christian. He's just not really the type to get into that kind of thing."
"Yeah, well, he turned them down pretty hard. What's the point of this secret society exactly?"
He shrugged. "The same as any other. It's a way to make people feel better about themselves. Everyone likes feeling special. Being part of an elite group is a way to do that."
"But you weren't part of it?"
"No need. I already know I'm special."
"Jesse and Ralf made it sound like royals had to stick together because of all the controversies that are going on - about fighting and guardians and all that. They made it sound like they could do something about it."
"Not at this age," said Adrian. "Mostly all they can do is talk. When they get older, Man? members sometimes cut deals for each other and still have secret meetings."
"That's it then? They're just hanging out and talking to hear themselves talk?"
He turned contemplative. "Well, yes, of course they're doing lots of that. But I mean, whenever these little chapters form, there's usually something specific they want to do in secret. Each group's kind of different that way, so this one's probably got some plan or scheme or whatever." A plan or scheme. I didn't like the sound of that. Especially with Jesse and Ralf.
"You know a lot for someone who wasn't in it."
"My dad was. He never talks much about it - hence the secret part - but I picked up things, and then I heard about it while I was at school."
I leaned against the wall. The clock across the hall told me classes were almost over. "Did you hear anything about them beating up people? There are at least four Moroi I know of who were attacked. And they won't talk about it."
"Who? Like non-royals?"
"No. Other royals."
"That doesn't make any sense. The whole point of it is for elite royals to band together to protect themselves from change. Unless, perhaps, they're going after royals who refuse or are supporting non-royals."
"Maybe. But one of them was Jesse's brother, and Jesse seems to be a founding member. Seems like he'd have to make the cut. And they didn't do anything when Christian refused."
Adrian spread his hands wide. "Even I don't know everything, and like I said, this one's probably got its own little agenda they're keeping hidden." I sighed in frustration, and he gave me a curious look. "Why do you care so much?"