"I don't," said Jill. "And I'm sure Christian won't either."
Lissa frowned, confused for a moment. "Well... there's no point in stressing him out over it. It was my stupid mistake; I'll deal with it."
Now Jill frowned. She hesitated before speaking, that old nervousness returning. "But you have to. You have to tell him the truth, right?"
"It's no big deal," said Lissa, surprised at how defensive she suddenly felt. That unpredictable anger started to raise its head.
"But... you guys are in a serious relationship... You have to always be honest, don't you? I mean, you can't lie to him."
Lissa rolled her eyes. "Jill, you haven't been in a serious relationship either, have you? Have you even gone on one date? I'm not lying to him. I'm just not telling him stuff that's going to freak him out for no reason. It's not the same."
"It is," argued Jill. I could tell how much it killed her to talk back to Lissa, but I admired her boldness. "He has a right to know."
Lissa sighed irritably and stood up. "Forget it. I thought we could have an adult conversation, but apparently not." The withering look she gave Jill made the girl flinch.
Still, back at the Academy, guilt plagued Lissa. Christian greeted her return happily, showering her with kisses and hugs. She firmly believed Jill had overreacted, yet each time Lissa looked at Christian, she kept thinking about that kiss with Aaron. Was it as wrong as Jill had implied? It had been casual and under the influence of alcohol. Lissa knew telling Christian would upset him, though, and she hated to bring that on. Avery, listening as Lissa deliberated, agreed that there was no need to worry about it. Yet, as I looked at her through Lissa's eyes, my impression was that Avery was more worried about what Lissa's emotional reaction would be if she and Christian had a blowout. The morals seemed beside the point; Avery wanted to protect Lissa.
It seemed like it was all going to blow over... until later in the day, when Lissa met up with Christian to walk to dinner. His face was a storm cloud as he approached Lissa in her dorm's lobby, his pale blue eyes looking like they could shoot lightning bolts.
"When were you going to tell me?" he demanded. His voice was loud, and several passing people turned in surprise.
Lissa hurried him to a corner, pitching her voice low. "What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about. You using your weekend getaway as a chance to hook up with other guys."
She stared at him for several heavy seconds. Then the truth hit. "Jill told you!"
"Yes. I had to drag it out of her. She showed up to practice with me and was on the verge of tears."
Uncharacteristic anger suddenly burned through Lissa. "She had no right!"
"You had no right. Do you honestly think you could do something like that-without ever letting me know?"
"Christian, it was a stupid drunk kiss, for God's sake. A joke because he saved me from falling off a table. It meant nothing."
Christian's face grew pensive, and Lissa thought for sure he was about to agree with her. "It would have been nothing," he said at last, "if you'd told me yourself. I shouldn't have had to hear it from someone else."
"Jill-"
"-isn't the problem. You are."
Shock stunned Lissa for a moment. "What are you saying?"
"I..." Christian suddenly looked weary. He rubbed his eyes. "I don't know. It's just... things have been rough lately. I just... I'm just not sure if I can deal with all this. You were picking fights with me before you left, and now this?"
"Why won't you listen? It was nothing! Even Avery agreed."
"Oh," said Christian sarcastically, "if Avery agreed, then it must be okay."
Lissa's temper raised its ugly head. "What's that supposed to mean? I thought you liked her."
"I do. But I don't like how you're confiding in her more than me lately."
"You didn't have a problem with me confiding in Rose."
"Avery's not Rose."
"Christian..."
He shook his head. "Look, I don't really want to go to dinner anymore. I just need to think."
"When am I going to see you again?" she asked frantically. Her anger had been supplanted by fear.
"I don't know. Later."
He left without another word. Lissa stared after him, aghast as he walked out of the lobby. She wanted to go throw herself at him, beg him to come back and forgive her. There were too many people around, however, and she refused to make a scene-or intrude on his space. Instead, she took off to the only resource she had left: Avery.
"Didn't expect to see you again," Avery said, opening the door to her room. "What are you-Jesus Christ. What's the matter?"
She ushered Lissa in and demanded the story. With a lot of tears and near-hysteric rambling, Lissa related what had happened with Christian. "And I don't know what he meant. Does he want to break up? Will he come talk to me later? Should I go to him?" Lissa buried her face in her hands.
"Oh God. You don't think there's anything going on with him and Jill, do you?"
"Jailbait? No," exclaimed Avery. "Of course not. Look, you need to calm down. You're freaking me out. This is going to be okay." Anxiety lined Avery's face, and she went to get Lissa a glass of water. Then, reconsidering, she poured a glass of wine instead.
Sitting alone, Lissa felt her wild emotions torment her. She hated what she'd done. She felt like there was something wrong with her. First she'd alienated me, and now Christian. Why couldn't she keep her friends? What did it take? Was she really going crazy? She felt out of control and desperate. And she Bam!
Suddenly, and without warning, I was shoved out of Lissa's head.
Her thoughts disappeared completely. I'd neither left of my own choice, nor had I been snapped back because of something in my own body. I stood in the room alone, having come to a standstill while pacing and thinking. Never, never had anything like that happened to me. This had been like... well, like a physical force. Like a glass wall or force field slamming down in front of me and pushing me back. It had been an outside power. It hadn't come from me.
But what was it? Had it been Lissa? To my knowledge, she'd never been able to feel me in her head. Had that changed? Had she kicked me out?
Had her spinning feelings grown so strong that there was no room for me?
I didn't know, and I didn't like any of it. When it had happened, aside from the sensation of being pushed, I'd experienced another strange feeling.
It was like a fluttering, as if someone had reached in and tickled my mind. I'd had brief warm and cold flashes, and then it had all stopped once I was out of her head. It had felt invasive.
And it had also felt... familiar.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Unfortunately, I couldn't remember where I'd felt it before.
Considering everything else that had been happening to me, the fact that I'd even recalled it at all was remarkable. My memories were a little scattered, but I did my best to sift through them, wondering where I had experienced that tickling in my brain. I received no answers, and pondering it all soon became as frustrating as coming up with an escape plan.
And as more time passed, I realized I really did need an escape plan. The endorphin withdrawal was killing me, but I was thinking more and more clearly as the effects left my system. I was astonished at how out of it I'd let myself become. As soon as I'd allowed Dimitri to bite me... I'd fallen apart. I'd lost my higher reasoning. I'd lost my strength and skills. I'd become soft and silly and stupid. Well, not entirely. If I'd completely lost it, I'd be a Strigoi now. There was some comfort, at least, in knowing that even while high on bites, some part of me had still fought through and refused to succumb.
Knowing I wasn't as entirely weak as I'd believed helped keep me going. It made it easier to ignore the yearning in my body, to distract myself with bad TV and eating all the food in the little refrigerator. I even stayed awake for a long time in the hopes of exhausting myself. It worked, and I crashed as soon as I hit the pillow, drifting into a dreamless sleep with no withdrawal effects.
I was awakened later when a body slid into bed beside me. I opened my eyes and stared right into Dimitri's red ones. For the first time in days, I looked at him with fear, not love. I kept that off my face, though, and smiled at him. I reached out and touched his face.
"You're back. I missed you."